“You get stung by a bee, and it fucking sucks, right? Even when it stops hurting, you always remember what the sting felt like. That’s what it was like to lose Craig. But losing someone slowly is different. It feels like hundreds of bee stings. Just when you think it can’t get worse, there’s another bee and another and another, until you can’t breathe. It’s death by a thousand cuts, and you’re just waiting for that final blow to give you some relief.”
I swallowed hard, thinking about the last weeks of Carrie’s life. Though mentally she was still present with me, her every waking moment was spent in pain. I never imagined that I’d be asking God to take the one person I’d give anything for, but I did. In Carrie’s last days, I realized I’d rather suffer every second of the rest of my life than for her to endure another moment. “It’s an agony I can’t begin to describe.”
“Shit. I’m an insensitive asshole. Of course you know how all of this feels. I’m preaching to the choir.” She cleared her throat. “Damn, I really took us to the dark side. I’m sorry for being such a killjoy tonight.”
“Ella.” I pulled back slightly so that I could look into her eyes that were still red from crying. “Stop apologizing. I want to know every part of you. Even your dark side.”
She placed her hands on the sides of my neck, drawing me closer until our foreheads touched.
I took her beautiful face in my hands, grazing my thumb along her bottom lip before kissing her softly. We melted into each other, two white flags surrendering to any hesitation that had been lingering.
When she finally broke our kiss, there was a burn in her gaze that set me on fire from the inside. “Will you stay with me tonight?”
Seventeen
Ella
“Are you sure?”Cash asked tentatively. “I know you wanted to take things slow, and I respect that.”
I nodded and gripped the collar of his shirt, pulling him close until my lips met his. “I was just scared. So many things in my world were changing, and this was another change. But you’ve made me realize that sometimes change is good.” I kissed him again. “Really, really good.” I stood and pulled him to his feet, my heart already pounding in my ears. “Come with me.”
When we started toward the hall, Bradley Cooper whined and raised his head to look at me.
“You stay here, buddy,” I told him. I scanned the room for his favorite bone made out of allegedly indestructible material and gave it to him. He happily received it, gnawing away at the toy. I turned to Cash, took his hands in mine, and guided him toward my bedroom, slowing only to kiss him every few steps. We crossed the threshold into my room that was lit only by the soft glow of the bedside lamp. “That bone will buy us at least ten minutes.”
He chuckled softly and took my face in his hands, tenderly tilting my face up to his. “Then we may need a few more of those.” His lips barely brushed mine, but I felt the electricity prickle from the top of my neck to the base of my spine.
My breath caught in my throat as his eyes lingered on mine, and I realized I was actually nervous. “Why’s that?”
“Because I plan on taking my time with you.” His voice was low and seductive, causing a warm ache to spread deep into my core. He slid his hands beneath my T-shirt, his fingers brushing softer than silk across my skin. “I want to know what makes you feel good.”
My eyes closed as his hands made their tantalizing journey up my sides, along my rib cage. His thumbs lightly caressed my breasts over the satin of my bra causing my nipples to perk. “This feels pretty great.” A nervous laugh bubbled up from my chest. It was hard to think straight or form words with him touching me like that or with the warmth of his breath next to my ear.
His hands moved down my back, and then he grabbed the hem of my shirt, tugging it gently over my head. I let out a shallow breath and mentally kicked myself for not having a few more sips of that wine with dinner to calm my nerves. It wasn’t like the man hadn’t seen me naked before. But this time was different, wasn’t it?
In the weeks since we’d had sex, Cash had seen me stripped down in a way that only one other man had ever seen me. Sex was one thing. I didn’t mind him seeing my cellulite or the beginnings of the varicose veins on my legs. I was confident in the softness of my body even if it didn’t look quite like it did twenty years ago, and I knew I had a temple worthy of worshipping.
But this wasn’tjustsex. Since the first time we’d slept together, Cash had seen me completely unguarded and vulnerable, and I felt things for him that extended well beyond how good the touch of his hands made me feel. I was used to being the caregiver, but he made me feel cared for. He made me feel safe, and he had a way of looking at me like I was the most beautiful creature he’d ever laid his eyes on.
“No body Tupperware this time,” he teased as he traced the outline of my pale, pink bra with his fingers, sending shivers across my shoulders.
“No body Tupperware,” I confirmed. “And not to brag, but my bra even matches my thong.”
The flames in his eyes flickered brighter at the mention of my underwear, and I felt my cheeks blush.
Though I hadn’t planned exactly when this night would happen, I’d made sure my underwear game had been strong ever since that first night. Just in case.
His eyes bore into mine as I undid the buttons of his shirt one by one, revealing his firm chest covered in a spray of whiskey-colored hair that disappeared below his belt. “I love the way your hands feel on me.” He groaned with pleasure as I rubbed along the V shaped lines that beckoned me southward.
His eyes were dilated, changing them from their usual hazel to pools of dark chocolate. I pushed the shirt down his biceps until it hit the floor, running my fingers over the curves of his arms for longer than necessary. The way he watched me undress him made my heart race and caused beads of sweat to form on the back of my neck.
“Is it weird that I’m a little nervous?” I asked, smoothing my quivering hands up his chest.
He shook his head. “I’m a little nervous too.” He pressed a kiss to my forehead. “We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for.”
Sweet Jesus, this man melts me.And I knew he meant it. He’d wait for me for as long as I wanted, but waiting was not on my agenda. “I promise it’s not that,” I assured him. “I’m ready.Reallyready. It’s just...”
“It feels different this time, doesn’t it?” he asked, as though he could read my mind.
