I parked the car and got out, winding my way through the headstones, a journey I made often after she died. I walked until I reached the big evergreen tree that sheltered her, and I saw the shimmering granite stone that let me know she was there.
“I brought you some flowers,” I said, gently placing the bouquet on top of the headstone. I looked around, noticing I was the lone mourner in that corner of the cemetery, so I took a seat on the grass. Beads of sweat formed along my hairline as a result of the unforgiving August heat and my own nerves.
“I miss you, Carrie.” I closed my eyes for a moment, listening to the birds chirp around me, hoping I might catch a whisper of her. “That makes what I need to talk to you about so hard.” I sucked in a shallow breath. “I met someone. I feel like you probably already knew that. Maybe it’s crazy or maybe it’s wishful thinking, but I wonder if you somehow had a hand in me meeting her. You always told me you wanted me to move on and be happy one day. I remember how many times you wanted me to promise you I would, but I couldn’t. For so long, I couldn’t see a future in which you didn’t exist. I think that’s why I resisted the idea so much. I was going about it all wrong. A future without you in it was never possible because you’re part of me.”
I wiped at the tears that fell freely from my eyes. “You’d like Ella and Grace. They both know what it’s like to lose someone they love. Ella lost her husband when Grace was a little girl, so they’ve been through this before. I know they’d help me keep your memory alive, and if you ever come across a guy up there named Craig, you should get to know him. I think you’d like him.
“I just need you to know that I will never stop loving you. I’ll never stop missing you. What I feel for Ella and Grace doesn’t change that. And because I’ve known what it feels like to lose you, I’ll never take a single second with them for granted if they give me another chance. I don’t know what to do, what to say to make things right with them. I wish you could tell me what I should do.”
I kissed my fingers and placed them on her headstone before rising to my feet. “I love you, Carrie. I always will. I’ll come back again soon.”
With a heavy sigh, I turned and started the journey back to my car. Carrie was a part of my story. She was imprinted on every page in the book of my life. But I was finally ready to begin a new chapter.
A slight breeze rustled around me, and my phone rang from my pocket. I almost didn’t answer, but I heard Carrie’s voice clear as day in my mind. It said,You wanted a sign. Here it is.
I extracted my phone from my pocket and saw Grace’s name flash across the screen.
My heart pounded in my ears as I swiped across the screen to answer. “Grace…”
“I’m going to say this, and I need you to listen,” she began, and I heard her voice waver. “I don’t care that you’re my boss. Right now, I’m not talking to my boss. I’m talking to my friend, the guy who has felt a lot like a dad to me. You leaving sucks. It really sucks, but I forgive you. I know you didn’t ask for forgiveness, but it doesn’t matter because I forgive you anyway. Because this isn’t like you.” She barely took a breath as she barrelled on, much like her mother had the morning I left. “Things got weird after the accident, and I don’t know why. I don’t know if I scared you off or what happened, but I know—”
“Grace, no,” I said, cutting her off. “This wasn’t your fault. It had nothing to do with you.”
“Then what is it?” The hurt in her voice was palpable, and I made a solemn promise to myself to never be the reason she hurt ever again. “Why did you leave?”
“I got scared,” I admitted. “The accident and what happened with Sam knocked the wind out of me. They reminded me how quickly I could lose everything I love. Seeing you in that hospital bed shook me to my core, Grace.”
“But I’m fine,” she said.
“At that moment, all I could see were the millions of possibilities that could cause me to lose you or your mom,” I explained. “And it scared me.”
“You were scared to lose us, so youleftus?” Grace snorted. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
“I said I was scared. I didn’t say I was smart.”
Grace’s soft sigh came through the phone. “So, where did you go?”
“I came to visit Carrie’s parents,” I confessed. “I needed to clear my head, but I didn’t know how to tell you or your mom that. I barely understood what I was feeling at the time. But Carrie’s mom helped me realize that the fear I had of losing both of you wasn’t a warning sign telling me to shut down to keep myself from being hurt. It was a reminder to love you both every second I have with you. And I failed at that.”
“You only fail if you don’t try again,” she said gently. “You can try again.”
“I’m so sorry. Can you forgive me?”
“I already did. I love you, Cash. Of course, I forgive you.”
“I love you, Grace,” I said, my voice breaking. “I love you so much, honey. And I’m going to be here for you as long as you want me to be.”
She paused for a moment. “What about Mom? I know you love her too.”
“I do,” I said, “but I don’t think she’s going to want to talk to me right now, and I understand that. I hurt her a lot when I left.”
“You just have to tell her what you told me.”
My chest bloomed with hope. Would Ella give me a chance to explain? “Grace, I want to, but I don’t know if she’ll even agree to see me.”
“Oh, she’ll see you.” She got quiet for a moment, and I could practically hear the wheels in her head turning. “You leave that part to me.”
* * *
