“When you two were together, you seemed…happy.Not content, not just going through the motions, but happy for the first time since before Brennan died.” She gave me a wistful smile. “And I want that for you, you know? That’s the kind of love and joy you deserve.”
“I’m just afraid of losing him, and I guess this whole situation reminded me how real of a possibility that is.”
“That’s true of any relationship,” she said.
We understood that more than most. It was the reason I’d worked so hard to keep people at a safe distance since Brennan’s death. People couldn’t leave if I never opened the door for them to begin with.
“If you were to walk away now, you’d still be losing him, just in a different way. Whether you stay or go, it won’t be easy. But this is where you’ve got to pick your hard. Only you can decide if that means pushing him away or letting him in.” She reached for my hand across the table. “Kenz, all we can do is love people as much as we can while we can. There are no guarantees.”
I squeezed her fingers. “I know.”
And despite the risks, I knew exactly what my heart wanted. I longed to run into Luca’s arms and never look back. But there was still a nagging question lingering in the back of my mind. Even if he was what I wanted…even if we loved each other deeply…would the fear that one day I’d lose him ever really go away?
After my momwent home that afternoon, I curled up on the couch with Earl Grey and Binx, my phone staring holes in my head from beside me on the cushion. I needed to call Luca, but every time I reached for the device, my hand hovered over it before retreating back to my lap.
I groaned to myself. “Get it together, McKenzie.”
Just the thought of talking to him made my palms start to sweat. My heart raced as I imagined the last time I’d heard his voice and what transpired afterward—the devastation I felt when I went inside the hobbit house only to find he was already gone.
“You can do this,” I said to myself.
Binx regarded me through squinted eyes as though he was saying‘you sure about that?’.
I wasn’t. Not even a little bit.
I scooped up the device, illuminating the screen. I swallowed hard as I swiped my finger over it and found his contact. Before I could stop myself, I pressed the call button.
He answered on the second ring. “McKenzie?”
My mouth opened but no sound came out.
“Are you there?”
“Yeah,” I managed. “I’m here. Sorry.”
“God, I miss you.”
My chest ached. “I miss you too.”
“How are you feeling?” His voice was thick with emotion, heavy with the weight of his question.
“I…I don’t really know,” I admitted. “I had my first therapy appointment this morning. It was…good. I think it’ll help.”
His shaky breath traveled through the cell towers. “I’m sorry, McKenzie. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Was it, though?
“No,” he said, answering for me. “It isn’t. After everything you’ve been through…I should have handled things differently. I wasn’t thinking.”
“I know,” I whispered. “And I’m sorry too.”
“You have nothing to apologize for.”
“I didn’t exactly handle things so well, either,” I said. “I was stressed out and—”
He cut me off. “And I should’ve known that. But I was so wrapped up in my own shit that I stopped paying attention.”
“What I don’t understand is why you didn’t call someone else. Why you didn’t wait for me.Something.” Tears stung the corners of my eyes. “Anything besides leaving.”
