“Because that’s all I know how to do.”
My heart sank. Would there ever come a time when that wasn’t his first instinct?
“But I want that to change,” he continued, as though he were reading my mind. “I went back to therapy yesterday. I never should’ve stopped. I let myself get lured into this false sense of security, thinking I was all well and good, but I wasn’t. I’ve got to keep doing the work even when I’m not falling apart because that’s what’s going to hold me together when the chips are down.”
I pressed my tongue onto the roof of my mouth, trying to keep from crying.
“Yeah. I guess I kind of realized the same thing,” I said. “But God, it sucks. It sucks so much.”
“Yeah, it does,” he rasped. A silent beat passed between us before he spoke again. “Dallas and I are coming back to Nashville this afternoon. I was wondering if…Can I see you?”
I wanted to say yes. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t make the words come out.
My hands trembled, and I dug my fingers into the cushion. “I want to see you, Luca…but I…”
“Do you…not want to be with me anymore?” he asked, the words painted with sorrow.
“No, it’s not that,” I answered. “I just…I think I need a little more time. To catch my breath.”
I longed to hold him, to be held by him, but I couldn’t. Not yet. Not while I was still so jumbled up inside.
“All right,” he said, and I detected the slightest break in his voice. “Take as much time as you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
I’m not going anywhere.
The words sent a warning flare shooting up from my heart. That was exactly what I was worried about.
I released a slow exhale. “Okay.”
Another pause stretched between us with only the soft sounds of our breathing on the line. It took every ounce of self-control I had not to tell him I changed my mind—that I had to see him right away because having him in front of me was the only surefire way to keep him with me, to keep him safe. But I kept my mouth clamped shut. If I ever hoped to truly let go of things I couldn’t control, I had to start somewhere.
“I love you, McKenzie,” he said.
I pressed the phone tighter against my ear as though that would bring him closer.
“I love you too.” The tears I’d been fighting spilled onto my cheeks. I loved him more than anything in the world, but I had to figure out how to love me too. And that meant taking some time apart. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Soon,” he echoed before the line went dead.
I squeezed my eyes shut and didn’t move a single muscle, desperate to hang on to him a little longer.
THIRTY
Luca
“You’re really gonna sellthis place?” Dallas asked Monday afternoon as I finished packing my bags to head back to Nashville with him and Emilia. “I never thought I’d see the day.”
“It’s time,” I answered.
“What did McKenzie say when you told her you’re gonna move?” he asked, petting Emilia where she sat beside him on the foot of the bed.
I stuffed another T-shirt in my suitcase. “I didn’t tell her yet.”
“Why not?”
“I didn’t want her to feel pressured. Our relationship is on shaky ground right now, and I don’t want her to think she’s the only reason I’m moving.”
“She’s not?”
