“Speaking of, I better feed these guys before they decide to pack up and go home with you.” I grabbed their bowls from the spot by the fridge and padded over to the small pantry, scooping some food into each of their bowls. They happily received it, Binx letting out one of his signature chirps, and Earl Grey purring like a boat motor.
And just like that, I was back in their good graces. Animals were so much easier than people.
“You did say something last night that I wanted to ask you about, though,” Luca said, pinching off a bite of his muffin and tossing it into his mouth.
Oh no.I’d thought the potential for more embarrassment had already passed. What the hell could I have said? Glimmers of my dream returned to me, and my palms started to sweat.
“What was that?” I asked, trying to play it cool as I returned to my coffee.
“You said something about wanting to forget.”
I nodded and closed my eyes. The reason for my drunken display of idiocy burned through me like the whiskey down my throat. I’d made it through the night, but there Brennan was, waiting for me the next day. I never forgot for long—not that I wanted to. But sometimes, Ididthink about how much easier life would have been if I could’ve forgotten. Maybe I wouldn’t be so fucking scared of letting people in, constantly afraid of the singular moment that would rip them from my life forever.
“What were you trying to forget?” he asked.
I froze, placing my coffee cup down. Outside of my mother and my friends from group, no one else knew. Not even Katie, despite how close we’d become. But Luca had watched me spiral out of control the night before, and he hadn’t left. He’d stuck by my side and taken care of me. I owed him some honesty.
“Come here,” I said, walking over to the wall that held all of my thrifted art finds and beloved pictures.
“This is my brother, Brennan.” I pointed to my favorite of me and Brennan when we were teenagers. “He passed away fifteen years ago yesterday.”
“McKenzie, I’m sorry,” he said softly. “How old was he?”
“Seventeen,” I answered. “He had his whole life ahead of him. He never even got to see his favorite band play a show. Never got to have his own apartment. He used to play guitar. He was good too. I swear, he could have been in a band one day if he’d wanted to.”
“How did he…I mean, what happened?” he asked with a shake of his head. “If that’s not too personal to ask.”
I reached out, touching my finger to the distressed wood frame. The photo was taken over Labor Day weekend, a little more than a month before I lost him. Brennan, Mom, and I were never big outdoorsy people, so we’d stayed in, playing games and watching old movies. I don’t even remember what was happening when our mother took the photo of us. Brennan, who was wearing his favorite My Chemical Romance shirt, was looking directly at her. But my eyes were on him, my lips stretched in a cheesy grin. I’d probably caught him cheating at Monopoly again or maybe he’d just told us one of his ridiculous one-liners that could put all dad jokes to shame. He was the only person who ever made me smile like that.
I turned to Luca, hot tears filling my eyes. “He took his own life. I was the one who found…” I trailed off and drew in a breath, moisture sliding down my cheeks.
He swallowed hard. “Were the two of you close?”
I nodded. “I had no idea he was so depressed—that he felt like that. He was my best friend. He knew me better than anyone. Aside from our mom, he was the only person who made me feel safe enough to be myself. But I…I couldn’t keephimsafe, and I lost him.”
Luca didn’t say a word. He simply pulled me into his arms, his chin resting on top of my head. I sank into him, letting him hold me as I wailed into his chest. Maybe it was the raging hangover I had or the fact that in less than twenty-four hours, Luca had seen me at my absolute worst. Or maybe it was because there was something about him that made me think he might understand the darkest shadows of my heart because he lived in darkness too.
Only when my sobs quieted did he pull away, and even then, it was so he could look into my eyes.
“I need you to hear me when I say this, McKenzie,” he said. “I didn’t know your brother, but I can tell you his death was not your fault. When someone makes up their mind about something like that…He didn’t tell you because he didn’t want you to know.”
“But I should have seen the signs.”
“You’re not hearing me. He didn’t give you any because he never wanted to hurt you. He loved you too much to do that. When people feel like that, they aren’t thinking about the pain it will cause anyone else. They just wanttheirpain to end. They want to stop feeling like a fucking burden. They’re not trying to be selfish because they think the most selfless thing they could possibly do is to remove their broken fucking pieces from the picture.”
His face disappeared behind a wall of my tears. “I don’t believe you. I could have done something. Ishouldhave done something.”
He placed his hands on both sides of my face, pressing his forehead to mine.
“I’m telling you there’s nothing you or anyone else could have done,” he whispered, his words full of anguish. “Because there was nothing anyone could have done for me.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, my voice hoarse.
“My friends had left every door open for me, but it didn’t matter. I pushed them away. I didn’t want tobehere anymore.” His eyes turned glassy. “Existing in this mind, this body, that tried to sabotage me at every turn. That’s why I disappeared. You know how hard Katie and Dallas tried to reach me, but I lied to them. I told them I was traveling when I was really rotting away at home.”
I blinked, unsure what to say.
“I didn’t speak to anyone for months because I didn’t want to. People can try to help, butwehave to be able to receive it.” His thumbs stroked the tender skin beneath my eyes. “I’m so sorry you lost your brother. I can’t imagine the grief you’ve felt all these years. But his death wasn’t your fault.”
