It wasn’t until I heard him say it that I began to wonder if it was true. Luca seemed to understand Brennan in a way I’d never been able to. He’d felt that way before.
“You really think so?” I asked.
“I know so,” he answered, pulling me back into his arms.
I leaned into him, allowing his embrace to carry the weight of my pain, while I also made space for his. I didn’t know how long we stayed like that, holding each other’s broken hearts together. When I finally looked back up at him, I made a silent vow to myself.
There may have been nothing I could have done to save my brother, but I’d do everything in my power to keep Luca from ever feeling that way again.
TWELVE
Luca
It wasn’t likeI hadn’t imagined it since I started this whole fucking healing journey—what it would’ve been like if I’d actually made the choice to leave this world for whatever came next. How it would have affected my friends. But imagining it and facing it were two entirely different things. McKenzie’s grief for her brother was still an open cut, even fifteen years later. In my head, I imagined that agony faded with time. But maybe it merely scabbed over, scratched open with every milestone that passed without them or with every birthday or holiday missed.
I rubbed my hands along the tops of her shoulders. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I know it had to have been hard. I wish I’d known last night. Maybe there was something I could have done to help.”
“Honestly, you just being there was…really great,” she said. “And you kept me from doing anything stupid. Well, anything more stupid than getting wasted and puking in the bushes.”
“Do you normally spend the anniversary alone?” I asked.
She shook her head. “I’m usually with my mom, but she had the opportunity to go on the trip of a lifetime to Italy, and I told her she needed to take it. I wanted her to, and Brennan would have wanted that too. Then I made plans with some friends, but I don’t know…my mind started going to some dark places, so I canceled. Then I ended up at The Piccadilly Deli, and you know the rest.”
“I’m glad I ran into you.” For so many reasons. So that I could keep her safe. Because I enjoyed her company. Because she saw the darkest parts of me in a way many couldn’t, and it didn’t seem to scare her.
“Me too. And I’m sorry I broke down on you like that,” McKenzie said, pulling out of my grasp and dabbing her fingers beneath her lashes. “This isn’t like me. I don’t do this.”
“Do what?” I asked.
“Talk about shit,” she said with a nervous laugh. “You know.Feelings.I’m more of the suffer in silence type. Or on rare occasions, get blackout drunk.”
“I can relate to that,” I admitted. “But all that managed to do was send me to therapy, so maybe it’s good to talk about shit sometimes.”
“Maybe,” she said with a faint smile.
I reached out, swiping away the lingering dampness on her cheeks with my thumbs. Her gaze snagged on mine. My eyes were drawn to her mouth like a bee to a flower. I swear, her bottom lip quivered slightly. Did she feel it too? Could she see the effect she had on me?
Thiswasn’t likeme.None of it. I didn’t take care of people. Hell, I barely took care of myself until recently. I didn’t do thefeelingsshit either, and Idefinitelydidn’t do relationships. I was into more…casualconnections, but there was nothing casual about what I felt forming between McKenzie and me.
She let out a small shudder of a breath. “But I think that’s enough feeling for one morning.”
My chest tightened, and I pushed my hand through my hair to keep myself from touching her. I’d wondered if she’d remember the rest of what happened the night before. I’d almost hoped she would, but she didn’t. It was what I’d been afraid of, what I’d wanted to avoid. I hadn’t wanted her to hook up with me in a moment of drunken delusion and regret it. The old me would have been far less discerning or too drunk myself to make the right call, but now…things were different. Though, I’d kind of hoped her drunken desires might reflect her sober ones.
“Yeah,” I said. “How about we finish breakfast and then go pick up your truck?”
“That would be great,” she said. “And a shower. I smell like a whiskey sour.”
I shot her a playful grin. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but yeah…”
She swatted my arm and rolled her eyes, heading back to the counter. We finished our food and coffee, chatting while the cats wove between our feet. Then I waited while she took a quick shower, trying to keep my mind from wandering to the space behind the closed bathroom door.
“Ready?” she asked when she emerged with damp hair and wearing a black sweat suit. How was she so fucking cute in sweats?
I shrugged on my jacket and reached inside the pocket for my keys. “Ready.”
Suddenly, I itched to get my journal back in my hands. Finally, I had something to say.
I returnedto Dallas and Katie’s after taking McKenzie back to her truck and immediately opened the moleskin journal. With McKenzie’s advice to think of it like writing a song at the forefront of my mind, I found that the words came easier. They weren’t cohesive or evengood,but they were mine.
