“Okaaaay,” I said, drawing out the word, an unspoken question lingering in my tone. My stomach tied itself into a knot. Maybe her fibromyalgia was beginning to flare up again. God, I hated seeing her hurting, and I knew that pain also meant she wouldn’t be able to do the things she wanted or needed to. What if she lost her job? She’d been working for a well-to-do dermatologist doing medical billing from home for the last ten years, and her boss always seemed understanding, but maybe there’d been budget cuts. Whatever—I’d get two more jobs to help take care of her if I had to.
“And before you get all worried, I promise it’s nothing bad,” she said, but something was off. I detected the slightest tremble in her voice. “In fact, it…I think it could be a good thing.”
I stopped browsing, giving her my full attention. “Well, out with it, then.”
“Dr. Rossi is taking some time off next month,” she began. “She’s going back home to Italy for a few weeks.”
“Does this mean you’re going to have some time off?” I asked. “I’ll see if I can get away from work. Maybe we could go somewhere. Oh, maybe a road trip would be fun.”
“Well, that’s the thing, Kenz. Dr. Rossi has offered for her senior staff to go with her as a bonus,” she said, excitement creeping over her face. “It’ll just be me and two others, and Dr. Rossi, of course. We’d be staying at her family’s summer home. It’s just…it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I’ve never been out of the country before, and this is the kind of trip I could never afford. She’d be paying for our airfare and most of our food, all while still receiving our paychecks.”
“Wow. That’s awesome, Mom. Of course, you should go,” I said. “That’s incredibly generous of her.”
“It is, isn’t it? There’s just one thing.” She paused and took a breath. “It would mean I wouldn’t be here on…on the anniversary.”
“Oh. Right.” My heart sank until it felt like it was circling a drain, only seconds from being squeezed through the pipes of grief until there was nothing left but a few grimy streaks letting me know something had existed there before.
She came around the rack to where I was standing and placed her hands on my arms. “I know we’ve always spent that day together, and I don’t want to leave you here if—”
“You should go,” I insisted, forcing a smile.
“But—”
I grabbed hold of her shoulders. “No buts. Brennan would want you to, andIwant you to. You deserve this.”
“What will you do, though?” she asked, blinking back the glossy film that coated her eyes.
“Actually, some friends mentioned the possibility of getting together that day, so really, it works out,” I said, though I had no intention of seeing anyone or even crawling out of bed. “Don’t worry about me.” She seemed unsure, so I forced a smile again. “The only thing you need to worry about is getting some good luggage. Now come on.”
I grabbed the cart and steered it toward the back of the store, forcing the lump in my throat down as far as it would go.
FOUR
Luca
The demons Laceyhad coaxed out of me the night before had made the voyage home with me, but instead of letting them linger in the shadows, I turned on all the lights and set about doing laundry so I’d have clean clothes to pack. I even changed the sheets and started picking up. With every coffee-stained mug I placed in the dishwasher, I felt a sense of pride.
Most people probably loaded their dishwasher without even thinking about it, but over the past few months, every task had become heavy, weighted with expectation. When I’d told Lacey about this, she’d suggested I start with a single cup. If I felt like doing another, I could. If not, it was okay to stop. But once I started, Icouldn’tstop. Cleaning my space was the only thing keeping me from losing my shit.
With the place mostly cleaned and some clothes washed, I finally settled into bed a little after 3 a.m. Part of me wanted to drive straight to Nashville, but I didn’t want to show up at such an early hour and freak anyone out. Calling didn’t feel right either. I owed people an explanation, and they deserved one given in person. I’d gotten a lot wrong in the past, but this was one thing I was determined not to fuck up.
Lacey had told me about a couple of podcasts she liked, so I put one of them on. The lady’s voice was so monotone that it eventually put me to sleep. When I woke twelve hours later, I was still exhausted, leaving me wondering if the demons had been throwing a fucking rave all night.
I filled my suitcases in a daze and set out a little after 5 p.m. before I had the chance to lose my nerve. A quick stop for gas and a shitty cappuccino that nearly made me see noises, and I was on my way.
With “Welcome to the Black Parade” by My Chemical Romance playing on repeat, I drove down I-65 south without knowing my exact destination. The closer I got to the city my friends called home, the more I realized nowhere really felt like mine. Not my apartment. Not Nashville or even the roads I’d spent the majority of my twenties watching pass by from the window of the tour bus. My own body didn’t even feel like home.
As I got closer, an instinct I couldn’t identify took over. The wheels of my car were pulled toward an exit I vaguely remembered. Turns I hadn’t made that often before suddenly felt familiar. Shame slithered up my neck and settled into my cheeks as I turned onto the tree-lined street. I should have been here more.
I pulled into the driveway and cut the engine a little after eight, white-knuckling the steering wheel for a moment. What would they think about me just showing up like this? Being mere feet from the door made me realize that maybe a phone call wouldn’t have been the worst fucking idea.
“Just get out of the fucking car,” I muttered to myself. “One cup at a time.”
Pocketing my keys inside my jacket, I got out and grabbed my bags. With every step, the monsters clawed at my feet, tugging me back toward the car. Each stride forward was met with resistance. But I kicked away the gnarled fingers clinging to my jeans as I climbed the stoop. I might not have been home, but I was somewhere I felt safe. And that was close enough.
I knocked on the door three times in rapid succession, my heart pounding with my fist.
The muffled sounds of the television muted, and I heard a faint, “Be right there!”
