“Oh lord. He’s got it bad. So just to be sure, how old is she?” Ernie is shaking his head looking at Andy for confirmation.
“She’s twenty-two for fuck’s sake! I’m not a complete pervert.”
“Did you ask her out or are you just acting like a creeper?”
“Yes, I asked her out. She turned me down. I might also be a little bit of a creeper.”
“Ouch. Did she give you a reason for turning you down?”
“Besides basically calling me self-absorbed? Not really. I did talk to her on the phone for a few minutes today. She called to ream me out for enlisting my sister to stalk her.”
“Damn, boy! This doesn’t sound anything like the Colin Rhett I’ve seen in the last year.”
“I know! What the hell is wrong with me?”
“Sounds like you’re smitten,” Ernie surmises.
“Yeah he is. Completely head over heels,” Andy agrees. We’ve polished off beer number two, so I order another round.
“Shit. This is really bad,” I say. When they look at me in confusion I continue. “I’ve always managed to stay away from her until now. I don’t know how long I can stay away anymore. So what do I do? I’m so screwed,” I say, running a hand over my face.
I’m so screwed as a matter of fact that I’m willing to ask two old guys for relationship advice. They sit in careful contemplation as our next round is set on the table.
“You think this is the girl for you? Long term?” I sit for a moment before nodding my head slowly. Five years and five hundred miles hasn’t done anything to extinguish what I’ve felt for Maggie since the first time I saw her. I’m finally done trying to stay away.
“Here’s what you need to know,” Ernie finally says. “The good ones don’t come running just because you snap your fingers. If this girl is worth more to you than a one-time frolic, you’re going to have to change your behavior. You’re going to have to become the man you want her to see you as. Then you’ll have to convince her you truly are that man.”
“It took me a full year to convince my wife to date me,” Andy pipes in.
“You’re going to have to run the long game.” I must have had a look of panic on my face because Ernie quickly adds, “Don’t listen to Andy. That man has no game. First, you’re going to reinvent yourself. No little tarts on the side.” Tarts? Okay, Mugsy. Did that word even exist still in the real world? “Second, you’re going to have to romance the hell out of her. With your fancy lawyer salary, you should be able to pull out all the stops.”
“You need to get all of the information you can on her. Learn anything you can use to your advantage,” Andy adds.
“I shouldn’t be even trying to see her. She’s… she’s just not for me.” Ernie puts a hand on my shoulder as I take another hard pull on my beer.
“Why is she not for you? You’re handsome, successful, giving and she’s old enough. Let her see the real Colin Rhett. If she doesn’t see you for the good man we know you are, then she’s the one that doesn’t deserve you. Let me ask you this, when you dream of waking up in the morning, who are you holding?”
“Maggie. It’s always been her,” I whisper as the table goes silent.
“Either that or you can just hire a hooker to get her out of your system,” Andy adds.
“What is wrong with you?!” I ask, waving for another round. As I work my way to getting drunk, I consider my options. If I can draw out a contract negotiation to bluff opposing counsel into caving to our demands, then I can become a man good enough for Maggie. They’re right, though, I'm going to need one hell of a game plan to work with.
“Okay, guys,” I say, raising my fourth beer. “Here’s to the long game.”
There are some days I’m really glad I have a car service at my disposal. Not only do they send a car for me outside the bar, they send an extra driver to get mine home.
Staggering into my condo I grab a legal pad, sitting down to start making notes. Normally this would be best left to when I’m sober, but I want to get started immediately. I pull out my phone after I’ve put together a reasonable list of actions. When I just get a voicemail, I leave a message.
“Lily. Damn it! Get your legs unclamped from around that bean counter before I kick his ass. Call me back. I need information.” I belch an impressive beer belch onto her voicemail before hanging up.
I’m not really going to kick his ass, I actually like the guy. Ever since I broke a couple of his ribs, I’ve developed a whole new respect for him. But it’s my job as the older brother to keep all of her boyfriends terrified. I also found out the hard way that he is into some kinky shit, which doesn’t really work for me when my little sister is involved.
My phone pings. I grab at it hoping it’s Maggie, knocking it off the table and across the floor. When I finally pick it up, I see it’s a message from Bethany. Oh, that’s right, her name is Bethany.
Bethany: Free tonight? Call me. I miss you.
I sit back down at the notepad writing NO TARTS with an exclamation mark. Just for good measure, I circle it. I delete the message then flip over a page. I title the next page, “Personal Things I Know About Maggie.” I make a list of everything I’ve learned so far: high school English teacher, likes classic literature, favorite author Steinbeck, fucking gorgeous. That’s a really short list. I truly am self-absorbed if I can spend an evening with a woman and come away with nothing more than that.
