I decide to skip swimming this evening. I’m a little afraid I’ll drown in my current condition. I also don’t want to fall into traffic, so jogging is out. Settling on a shower then dinner, I head for the bathroom.
After, sitting in my lounge chair facing the skyline with a bowl of cereal, I finally feel sober enough to tackle more of “The Count.” I’ve set my list on the small table next to me in case Lily actually comes up for air. Soon I’m completely drawn into my book. Ping. I mindlessly pick up my phone figuring it’s another bored “tart” trying to find me.
Maggie: How’s the book?
My heart starts pounding in my chest like it’s trying desperately to get out. This is ridiculous! I’ve never had such a visceral reaction to a woman in my life.
Colin: He’s just broken out of the prison. Edmund must have a pair of huge ones to sew himself into a body bag and get thrown in the sea. Not sure I would have the guts.
Maggie: Don’t sell yourself short. If you’d like, we can try it sometime. I’ll get a body bag and we can toss you off the Trinity Bridge.I shake my head grinning, I’m pretty sure I’m still a little drunk though.
Colin: Oh, I’m not. I do have a set of big ones. I can show you sometime. I’ll be done either tonight or early tomorrow. Have you thought about my next book?My phone goes silent, so I nod off in my chair, jumping when it finally goes off again.
Maggie: Umm... have you been out?Why would she think I’ve been out?
Colin: I had a couple of beers with some guys from work. Why?
Maggie: Oh, no reason. How do you finish the books so quickly? I know your social calendar keeps you a busy man.Damn, she’s got claws! I’ll choose to ignore the stab.
Colin: I set up the perfect reading area, complete with a fabulous view. I don’t sleep much anyway, so I might as well read.
Maggie: That sounds intriguing. What does your view look like?I snap a picture of the lights of downtown, sending it to her.
Colin: It’s downtown Kansas City.
Maggie: It’s beautiful! I would never leave if I had that view to look out at while I read. What does your reading nook look like?I hold the phone as far back as possible taking a picture of me sitting in my new lounger with the table holding a drink in the background.
Maggie: Okay, you win. They are pretty big. So, how much beer did you have?What?
Looking at my picture, I let out an impressive string of expletives. I’ve sent her a picture wearing nothing but a pair of boxer briefs. I’m talking to Maggie, so of course my dick has swollen to a ridiculous size. I’ve in essence sent her a PG-13 rated dick pic.
Reading back through my text, I also see that I’ve offered to show her my balls sometime. This is exactly why I’ve stayed away from her for so long, I’m a complete idiot around her.
Colin: Um...I’m sorry. It was not my intention to send you a picture of my junk or invite you to see it. Obviously I’ve had more to drink than I thought I did. I’ll try to make sure I’m wearing actual clothes next time.Pretty sure this shouldn’t be part of the long game. There’s a pause before she answers.
Maggie: Not on my account I hope! I have been regaled by you in a too small swimsuit remember? You might want to cover that...asset...with a blanket next time though.I sit straight up. Shit, she actually remembers that?
Colin: Why Miss Emerson! You make me blush. Was that a little bit of sass I heard?
Maggie: Was that what that was? I was just afraid you’d catch pneumonia! Good night, Colin.
Colin: Good night, Maggie.
I set the phone down, grinning like an idiot. Even in a text, she comes off quick-witted. I, however, have managed to drunk text her a picture of my barely concealed dick. I’m officially a cliche. It’s also very apparent that she is much better at flirting than I am.
I wake the next morning to my phone ringing, the light like daggers through the window piercing directly into my brain. I’ve fallen asleep in my reading chair. As I sit up, stretching, I hear my phone start up again. Holy shit, my neck hurts! I look over at the phone, searching for the time. How in the hell did I sleep in this chair until nine in the morning? Fuck, my head is pounding. I almost drop the phone when it starts ringing again.
“Hello?” I say, trying to rub the crick out of my neck.
“You’re a dick!” Yeah, called that twice in one week, that must be a record.
“Hello, Lily. How are you this morning?”
“I repeat, you’re a dick. Don’t call and threaten me. Were you drunk?” Damn, she sounds really pissed.
“Probably?” I say, listening to an angry snort in response. “Okay, yeah, I’m sorry. I went out with the old guys to the bar.” I sit in silence trying to remember what I said or even what I wanted to ask.
“What do you want, Colin?”
