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“And what was this moment, Derek? You just woke up one morning from a dream or what?”
His eyes started to water again. “My parents…”
“Your parents, what?”
“They…they…really love each other, and…what they have…I have with you.”
They’d always been lovey-dovey, so that wasn’t enough for me. Nothing he said would ever be enough for me. “I’d like our relationship to be professional until I get another job and leave. You should be pragmatic and hire my replacement, so I have ample time to train them. Because I’m leaving, whether it’s next week or in a couple months. There’s nothing you could say to ever make me feel differently toward you, to ever feel safe, to ever risk what’s left of my heart on a gamble. Because it is a gamble, Derek. Not an investment.”
He bowed his head in defeat.
“Learn from this experience and be better for the next woman.”
He inhaled sharply like I’d insulted him. “There will never be anyone for me but you.” He lifted his chin and looked at me, his eyes wet, his expression tight with pain. “You don’t understand. You’re…you’re it. You’re the other half of me.”
Despite the depth of his words and the sincerity they were coupled with, they didn’t pierce my hard exterior. All I could see was a man who would go back and forth indefinitely, who would be the man I loved half the time and then the heartless man I hated the other half of the time. Once upon a time, I looked at Derek as God’s gift to women, the greatest man who ever walked this earth, but now…I saw a man so scarred that he would never cease to embody all his hate, his bitterness, and his fears. “I warned you what would happen if you took too long—and you took too long.”
13
Derek
I lay on the couch in the living room and stared at the ceiling. As the night deepened, the shadows shifted and moved, entertaining my eyes and my thoughts because I was unable to sleep.
I never seemed to sleep anymore.
When my head hit the pillow, I thought about my mom, thought about my life if I lost her. I thought about the man my father would become, a hollow shell that only knew how to be vicious and mean. I was on the precipice of losing my family if my mother lost this battle.
The past ten years, I’d taken everything for granted. I took for granted that I had the best parents in the fucking world, a perfect family, even if another woman had me and left, it was still fucking perfect.
Because my mom loved me when she didn’t have to.
That made it perfect.
She would give up her life for me in a split second. She loved me as much as Dex and Daisy. She wore her heart on her sleeve and showed me she was there every single fucking day.
Took it all for granted.
Now I was scared…so fucking scared.
I didn’t want to see my mom or go with my dad to the hospital because I was so low. But I refused to allow myself to run away like all those other times. That wasn’t who I was anymore. Through the good and the bad, I was there.
I just wished I had Emerson at my side.
My rock.
My everything.
But I wasn’t her rock when she needed me. I didn’t deserve her. I knew I didn’t. But I tried to get her back anyway because I didn’t know what else to do. There was no other woman on this earth I could share my life with. She was everything to me. I could picture my future so clearly now. I would be like my father without my mother—and live the rest of my life like that.
Why did I let this happen?
Why did I let my past ruin my future?
Why…why was I so fucking weak?
I closed my eyes and tried to slow my rapidly beating heart. The anxiety and the palpitations would give me a heart attack if I allowed it to continue for too long. The tears burned my eyes and almost dripped down to my cheeks.
I hadn’t cried this much since I was little.
And I hadn’t felt this low in a lifetime.
Mom didn’t look the same anymore.
Her hair was gone. She was tired. It was springtime outside, and instead of going to the cabin at the first opportunity, we were inside…in the dark…in front of the TV.
Dad was worse, barely able to keep up his stoicism in front of my mom. The stress ate at him the way the chemo ate at my mom. He aged so quickly, became ruthless, turned into a stranger I didn’t recognize.
When I spent time with my mom on the couch, my dad took the opportunity to leave for therapy. He always told my mom he was going to the office to check up on things, but I knew where he was really going. I kept his secret. I was glad he was getting help, but judging by how aggressive he was every time he came home, it wasn’t working.
