BIANCA
Ourwalkstartedoutokay. Antonias gave a mini tour of some of the new additions to S. S. Estates, as well as things he planned to do with the property over time. He introduced me to the Big Three: Khema, Will, and Deck. They were S. S. Estates farm hands, and if I was honest, they looked like they could bench press the whole damn house. Each man was as tall as a skyscraper and built like a mountain. Antonias was six-foot-four and thickly built himself. The fact that he looked small compared to them tickled me. Despite how large they were, they werecomplete gentlemen. I knew for a fact that they kept this place up to par and safe when Antonias wasn’t there.
The grounds were magnificent. Several horses were housed in a stable that could easily be worth one of Bell Estates’ mansions. Antonias showed me the chicken coop area, introduced me to his goats, and pointed out a herd of cows in the distance.
“It’s enough space for generations to come,” he stated.
From the sound of it, he planned on raising his family here. Which I found heartwarming. Knowing he was planning such a life with Katrelle was sickening.
Especially considering I’d slept in his arms all night. I expected Antonias to comfort me, just not in that way. The minute he slid next to me and spooned me, it was like the ghosts of the nightmare fled. He chased them away with his soft words of comfort and strong arms as protection.
I wasn’t crazy. The people responsible for nearly killing me were already dead. That was the only reason Antonias had some peace about him. Otherwise, dealing with him would’ve been like dealing with a caged animal. There was no caged animal holding me last night, though. It was a gentleman with a big heart that I failed to see.
“How did you and Katrelle officially decide to get together?” I asked him. Despite how I felt about him getting married, it was inevitable that his wedding was going to happen. It wasn’t like I could hide from him for the rest of my life. We worked together, and he spent too much time around my family. In fact, he was practically family.
He chuckled and asked, “You really wanna know the answer to that?”
“Yes, I do.”Begrudgingly, I thought.
“It was at Quilo’s graduation.”
I frowned.
“She was there overseeing a few high school students who were apart of her intern program. She invited me to dinner. I accepted.”
Thinking back to that day, I wanted to kick myself.
“You better cry like that when our kids walk across the stage,” Antonias quipped as I wiped another set of tears from my eyes. My brother’s family was so damn beautiful, and the way he took in Quilo never ceased to amaze me. I was proud of Adir in every way.
“To carry your kids means I have to sleep wit’ you, and I refuse. There’s no telling where yo’ dick has been,” was my reply.
“For the record, my dick has been a lot of places. It’s clean as fuck, though,” Antonias said, bringing me back to the present.
“Yeah… About that.” My mouth could be slick, especially with Antonias. I did so much to try and run him away that I didn’t care what I said to him. Even if I didn’t believe it. There I was speaking death over my body and didn’t even realize it. Now, I could never carry his kids.
With that thought, my body had enough. I was tired of walking and ready to head back to the house. We made it halfway there before I couldn’t take another step without wincing from discomfort. Thinking I was going to have to trek the rest of the way back to the house, I was grateful when Antonias took over for me. There I was in his arms again. There I was feeling loved and safe.
The next afternoon, rain lightly pattered the wall window. Although Christmas was approaching, the weather wasn’t giving winter snowflakes. Instead, the light droplets brought on a dreariness that mirrored my mood.
“You ready to talk?” Kwamé questioned. She’d been sitting in my room for the last ten minutes waiting for me to say something. After my walk with Antonias yesterday, I’d beendrowning in my own thoughts. I turned my phone off, kept the television on mute, and barely ate whenever Antonias offered me food. If nausea came upon me, I snacked on the graham crackers he kept beside my bed. That was all I could stomach right now.
“What is there to talk about?”
Kwamé came to my bed and propped herself at the foot. Knowingly, she peered at me. “What do you feel right now, Bianca?”
“Besides hopelessness, nothing.”
“Explain to me what hopelessness looks like to you,” she requested.
No humor was behind the chuckle I offered her. “Well, I tried wishing I wasn’t here, but Antonias nearly shook me when I said that.”
“With great reason, he should’ve. You’re entitled to feel the way you want to feel, Bianca. However, I urge you to measure your words. Be angry with the person or people who put you in this position you are now forced to adapt to. Place anger where it’s due. Putting that on your shoulders is being selfish to yourself. You don’t deserve to be kicked while you’re down, not even by the words from your own mouth.”
Swallowing the emotions clogging my throat, I asked, “How? How do I even begin to accept this new version of me?”
“You start by accepting that there are other options. Once you accept that being a mother is more than carrying a baby, your heart will be open to seeing the truth and hope in it. What your body is or isn’t capable of doingdoes nottake away your ability to be a mother.” She reached over to squeeze my hand. “Please say that you understand, Bianca.”
Sighing, I told her what she wanted to hear. “I understand.”
