My eyes continued searching his face, his posture, needing more of an explanation.
“I’m just processing. I didn’t know you’d be back tonight. I’d prepared myself for both alternatives—that they’d woo you and convince you to take the job, and we’d need to figure out how to adjust our lives around it, or that maybe you’d decide not to take the job because you like writing and having freedom more. I spent all day trying not to get attached to either possibility, but I couldn’t shake my selfish desire that you’d turn it down.”
“It’s not just writing, Luke. It’s you. I want to be here withyou. I don’t want to move to Boston and only see you and Luna on the weekends. But if it makes you feel better, I would have chosen not to take the job whether I had you and Luna in my life or not.”
He nodded and his shoulders dropped with relief. My hand clung to his, holding it against my leg. He lifted my legs andmoved closer to me, placing my feet down on either side of his hips. His lips dropped to mine.
“I’m so happy you’re staying,” he said into my lips, brushing mine with each word.
“Me too.” I smiled, finally. “It’s like I didn’t know what making the right decision would feel like until right now.”
The smile on his perfect lips reached his eyes and calm washed over me. “Can we tell Luna? Please? Do you think she’ll be happy or need a little time to adjust?” The stream of excited questions flowed from my lips in a burst.
The consternation I saw on his face earlier returned to his eyes. His mouth clamped shut.
Tears of confusion pooled behind my eyes, hot and frustrated.I’m still missing something.I didn’t give him a chance to respond. “If there’s a reason you want to wait a little longer, we can. I just…” I was at a loss for words; hurt penetrated all of my senses.
“I just want you to be sure,” he whispered.
“Luke! I am sure. I have no doubts. I literallyranback to the bus station.”
A smile broke through his serious expression. He pushed my hair back again. “We’ll tell her soon, okay? I promise.”
I nodded. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t have much fight left in me today. He must have his reasons for wanting to wait. It was natural he’d want to protect Luna, even though it hurt to think he’d feel the need to protect her from me. Was it because he wanted to make sure this relationship was serious enough before telling her?
But we are serious. We love each other.
Why did it feel like we were having two different conversations?
I tried not to let my swirling emotions show on my face.
“Are you hungry?” he asked me. “I have leftovers from dinner.”
I looked down at my stomach. “Honestly, probably. I haven’t eaten today besides a granola bar on the bus.”
Luke stood up and pulled me up by my hands, no strain in hisarms as he lifted me, like I was light as a pillow. “That’s no good. You need food, you.”
When his hand grasped the slider door, orange streaks reflecting in the glass, he turned. I paused one step behind him. “Hey, Val?” My gaze met his in the fading evening light. “I love you.”
My eyes filled with tears of relief. “I love you, too.”
He’s Luna’s dad. He has to do what he thinks is right.I kicked off the comforter, turned onto my back, and then flipped to my front again. The sheets on the bed in my room at Mimi’s felt scratchy. I needed to buy new ones. This was insufferable.
“I just want you to be sure.”Luke’s low voice blew into my ears, carried on a breeze of worry.
What does that mean?
I was sure. I’d never been more sure of anything in my life. I meant what I said to him—I didn’t know what the right decision would feel like until I’d actually made it. Not just the decision not to go back to BigLaw, but the decision to deliberately stop worrying what other people thought of me or my level of success.
I’m not a failure; I just changed my priorities.It took me all summer to believe it, but I did. The encompassing feeling of both elation and calm I felt the entire trip back to the island was unlike anything I’d felt in my adult life.Right.
I even bought a beer and mentally toasted myself on the boat ride back. It was such a difference from the insecure, unsure beer I bought on the boat ride in May. That felt like years ago, not months. I was a different person now, and I liked this version of myself so much better.
And I could not have gotten here without Luke. And Luna. Not telling her stopped me from embracing her and the life and the family I wanted more than air in my lungs. It hurt. But I was stronger now than I was before. I could wait, if that was what Lukeneeded. I’d keep telling him I was sure, that I was staying, that I loved them… I swallowed a new lump in my throat.
My phone buzzed. My heart hoped it was Luke, but we’d already exchanged “goodnight” texts, so I pushed down my expectations before lifting my phone. The name on the screen made me happy, nonetheless.
Natalie
