So that was what I did. I spent high school and college and law school grinding to get the best grades I could, and it all culminated with the rare, highly sought after job offer from Peters & Dowling, one of the top law firms in New York City, and the world. In just three years, I would be eligible for the promotion to Peters & Dowling partner. If I got it, I would make millions of dollars, and make a career of negotiating the most high profile, highest dollar-value deals.
The definition of success and financial security.
I pushed myself up from my desk and concocted a plan for how I’d make it to the birthday party I’d committed to that weekendandmeet this client deadline.
Stay the course, Val,I said to myself.
It will be worth it.
Right?
The sun was far from up when my alarm sounded on Saturday morning. I fumbled through the top drawer of my dresser and pulled out a well-worn, full-coverage, tan bra. It used to be comfortable, but now it was too small. I’d gained enough weight that I needed to buy new bras, but part of me held out hope thatI’d find time to exercise again soon, so I didn’t want to replace them all just yet. I clasped it behind my back and pulled each strap up to rest on my shoulders.
Besides, it didn’t matter that it was ill-fitting, I’d just be sitting at the desk in my living room. Alone.
My law school friends, Tyler and Erica, were having a birthday party that afternoon for their two-year old daughter, which was mostly an excuse for them to invite all of their adult friends over to their new house for food and cake and drinks. I’d been looking forward to it for weeks.
I hadn’t seen them in months.
I refused to let Jasmine’s request for a contract draft by Monday prevent me from going, so here I was, at 4:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning, firing up my computer and making a cup of coffee. I had about six hours to read and revise every line of the 150-page document before sending it to John. Then I could get ready for the party.
But six hours later, I was still hung up on the indemnity section, agonizing over which representations and warranties should be considered ‘fundamental,’ and therefore result in enhanced damages for my client if they were breached by the tech company.
Eventually my drooping eyelids compelled me into the kitchen to make another cup of coffee from my little single-serve machine. The time on the stove glared at me. I was hoping to be in the shower by now, but I had another thirty pages to revise.
Should I text Tyler and Erica and tell them I can’t make it?
No.I clenched my fist.I need to show up for them.
Glass of water in one hand and boiling cup of coffee in the other, I only spilled a little as I ambled back to my desk. My trembling hands landed back on my keyboard. I rolled my shoulders and began reading the next section.
By 12:30 the document was in John’s inbox, and I was sprinting into my bedroom. I skipped my shower, left on the ill-fitting bra, and threw on a pair of jeans and a blouse that used to look goodon me, but now were a little too snug around my waist and hips. My makeup routine got bypassed, too, replaced with few swipes of mascara and some tinted lip balm so I didn’t miss the train to the suburbs. When I walked out of my apartment fifteen minutes later, I felt thoroughly disgusting, and not much in the mood to socialize.
Hopefully Chris doesn’t come to this party.
Enjoy it, the voice in my mind said as my boot-clad feet carried me up the walkway to Tyler and Erica’s front door.You love your friends, and you haven’t seen them in so long. Despite repeating these things to myself as my hand hovered over the door handle, I already knew what would happen once I went in. I’d be surrounded by people I cared about, people I genuinely wanted to see and talk to, but at the same time, in a very real way, I’d be completely alone with the stress inside my own head.
Half-present. Pretending.
Erica spotted me the moment I entered their kitchen. “Val, I’m so glad you could make it!”
I rushed over to give her a hug.
“Wouldn’t miss it! It’s so good to see you. And look at this house!” Their white kitchen cabinets extended all the way to the ceiling, and the wide-planked hardwood floors gleamed.
“Thank you! It needs a few updates, but I’m so glad we found something with enough bedrooms and not so far outside of the city.”
“I think it’s beautiful.”
Erica smiled.
Tyler was talking to a few people I didn’t recognize on the other end of the kitchen. I decided not to interrupt.
“Help yourself to a drink.” Erica gestured to a bar cart in the living room. “And there’s a raw bar in the dining room.”
“A raw bar? Incredible.”
Erica rolled her eyes. “Please eat at least five oysters.”
