Relieved, maybe.
Laptop open on my lap in bed, the cursor hovered over an unsent email to Mallory requesting a meeting for tomorrow morning while guilt gnawed at me. She’d given me so many opportunities to work with our most established clients on high profile deals. My lungs took in a breath and held it as my trembling finger pressed Send. She’d been supportive about the medical leave, hopefully she’d be understanding about my departure, too.
And I can’t make big life decisions based on guilt,I reminded myself.
“You shouldn’t worry more about disappointing others than you do about disappointing yourself,”my therapist said when I told her how guilty I would feel if I decided to quit. That advice resonated with me, like a long-awaited and hard-fought revelation. I’d repeated it to myself daily when the doubt slipped back in.
I tossed and turned in bed as fat raindrops pinged on the metal air conditioning unit in my bedroom window before giving up and turning on the light. I picked up my book, but after I’d read the same paragraph four times, absorbing nothing, I put it back down on the nightstand that Mimi and I had painted white ten years ago, during a summer while I was in college. I ran my fingers over the worn, chipped edge.
What would college-age Val think of me quitting my job tomorrow?
As I replayed my conversation with Max in my head, twisting and untwisting the sheets around my legs, my phone buzzed. I picked it up, expecting a text from Max, but instead Luke’s nameappeared on the screen, and my heart trilled.I’m sure it’s just something logistical for tomorrow, I cautioned myself.
But it wasn’t.
Luke
I know tomorrow’s the big decision and you’re probably freaking out. I wanted you to know that whatever you decide, Luna and I will be fine. You have a job with me as long as you want it, but we will figure it out if you don’t. I think you should do what feels right. It will all work out.
I read the text three times, my eyes welling. He probably had no idea how much I needed to hear that.
Or maybe he did know, somehow.
I puzzled over how to respond. How could I tell him how much his encouragement meant to me without revealing too much?
I went with:
Val
Thank you so much for saying that. It’s exactly what I needed to hear tonight.
Luke
Good. Try and get some sleep?
The question mark said it all.
Val
I’ll try!
I fell asleep eventually but woke up at 3:00 a.m. feeling wired.May as well start getting this over with.I padded downstairs as quietly as I could, made a cup of coffee, and opened my work laptop for the first time in over three months.
I can do this,I told myself as my hands started sweating.
By 8:00 a.m. I had gone through hundreds of emails and set meetings with the partners I needed to tell about my departure. Palms damp, laptop burning a hole in my bag, I left for Luke’s to get Luna.
When I got there, Luna was already ready, and they were both gathering their things by the door. “Hey, I meant to text you, I can take Luna to tennis this morning.”
“Oh, okay.” I was in a bit of a daze, exhaustion and anticipation battling for dominance in my veins. I made to turn back for my car.
“You have your work stuff on you?” He nodded at my bag.
“Yeah.”
“Stay here. It’s quiet and private, plenty of coffee.”
I wrote at Luke’s house a few afternoons a week anyway, so it wasn’t as if I hadn’t been alone here before, but for some reason this felt different. It was preferable, though. Mimi’s walls were thin, and she usually slept until after 10:00 a.m.
