As if reading my mind, he said, ‘Remember that I volunteer with children who have seriously messed up lives. I’m not saying you’re seriously messed up or anything. I just mean that I can spot when someone’s not telling me everything.’
I stared at the empty fire. ‘I hadn’t thought about it until he walked into the shop and Clare said it aloud.’
‘Said what?’
‘His name.’
‘What about it?’ I turned to face him and saw realisation dawn.
‘Andrew Steven Kerr,’ I said. ‘Clare and Andy always wound each other up by saying each other’s full names because Clare hates her middle name. They did it today.’
Nick looked as though I’d punched him in the stomach. ‘I thought you’d given up on the search for Steven.’
‘I had. It’s just… I…’ A tear rolled down my cheek.
He reached out and took my hand. ‘Please don’t cry. I get it. I do. It sounds like you need some time and space right now so I’m going to make things easy for you and say let’s just park what happened last night.’ He swallowed hard. ‘I think the world of you and I believe we have something pretty special. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I think we could have a great future together. But you and Andy have a past together. If you don’t explore the Steven connection and whether the timing is finally right for you both, you and I won’t survive for long because he’ll always be there in the background like a ghost and you’ll always be wonderingwhat if?’
‘But…’ The words caught in my throat as another tear trailed down my cheek. Nick tenderly wiped it away.
‘It’s for the best. I should go.’
I nodded, unable to speak as more tears fell. I followed him tothe door in a daze. I hadn’t made a decision about Andy. I hadn’t wanted to push Nick away; I’d just wanted to be honest with him. I’d only wanted him to know I was going to meet with Andy to understand more about why he was here; I wasn’t planning to run off with him.
‘Goodbye, Sarah.’ Nick hugged me tightly then disappeared down the garden path into the darkness and the rain.
I shivered as I leaned against the doorframe, the wind whipping my hair across my face. I had to fight hard against the urge to chase after him and beg him to stay because I knew he was absolutely right; not exploring things with Andy would leave too many unanswered questions and too much pressure on my fledgling relationship with Nick.
The sky lit up followed by a deep rumble. The storm had broken and I started to shake.
‘You’ll freeze if you stand there all night,’ said a soft voice right behind me. Clare reached around me and gently closed the door. ‘Come here, you.’
‘He ended it,’ I whispered as I sunk into her arms and sobbed.
A knock on the door a few minutes later made us both jump. Clare released me and opened it cautiously. ‘Can I speak to Sarah?’ asked Nick.
Clare moved aside. Rain trickled down his face and his dark hair lay flat against his head.
‘You’ve changed your mind?’ I asked.Please say yes. We’ll find a way through this. I want you in my life.
‘No. But I couldn’t leave without saying something. I really am going to give you the time and space you need to decide whether you want to try again with Andy. But I don’t want you to make the decision thinking it’s been easy for me to walk away from you because I’m not that bothered or because we only got together last night. I said you mean the world to me but that was a cop-out. Andy says he loves you. Well, so do I. I didn’t want to say it because I didn’t want to scare you by being too serious too soon. I know we only met ten weeks ago but I already can’t imagine my life without you in it. You’re amazing, Sarah. You’re beautiful, funny, kind and intelligent. I’m so impressed with what you’ve done with Kay’sbusiness and I was excited about supporting you as you go from strength to strength. The minute I met you before Callie’s wedding, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m not someone who believes in love at first sight but it happened to me that day.’ He paused for breath.
You love me?I opened my mouth to speak but no words came.
‘Please don’t say anything,’ he said. ‘You need to meet Andy to talk but you need to have the full picture first. I’m not going to get in touch with you again. It’s up to you to make the next move if you want to. If you decide that this thing with Andy was over years ago, it’s just a coincidence that Steven’s his middle name, and you do want to be with me after all, you know where I am. But you need to be completely over your search for Steven because I definitely can’t do this again. I hope you will come back to me. I’ll be waiting for you, Sarah. However long it takes.’
As another bolt of lightning illuminated the sky, he leaned forward and tenderly kissed me on the cheek. ‘However long it takes,’ he whispered. Then he retreated into the darkness again, his footsteps drowned out by the thunder.
‘I don’t care what that stupid clairvoyant said. You should be with your man Nick.’ I turned around. Clare was sitting on the stairs, crying. Clare never cries. ‘If you really believe in fairy-tale endings, how can you not see that Nick’s yours? I can see it and I don’t even believe in all that crap.’
29
?? From Auntie Kay
Just spoken to your mum. She told me about you and Nick. Beside myself with excitement. Knew you two were perfect for each other. Glad you’ve come to your senses and called off your Steven search. When you have a moment, please email me with all the details. Don’t leave anything out! Is it too early to buy a hat?!!! xxxx
My heart sank.She was so right. Wewereperfect for each other.But was Andy also perfect for me, just like he was when we got together twelve years ago? Or was he still the Andy who treated me like crap as soon as he started his fast-track career? Or perhaps someone even worse? But what if he was The Steven? I had to find out or, as Nick said, I’d be forever wondering ‘what if?’
‘Another text from Andy?’ Clare asked as we relaxed on the sofa after a late breakfast on Sunday.
