“Right.” His eyes hollow out a bit. “So, you’re wondering ifanyof it is real…”
His expression crumbles like something fragile, and I immediately feel guilty for pushing this.
“Please don’t get me wrong. Whatever this is, it’s been totally cool. Beyond cool. I’ve never had anything like a boyfriend—and you’re kinda like the perfect boyfriend. Which has been super nice.” My shoulders sag, and I pull at my own fingers in my lap, awkwardly. “It’s just that… I’ve never been in love or anything… And it’s really hard not to get caught up in this. To get caught up inyou.”
He purses his lips and nods soberly. “So you want to know if what we’ve been doing is all some kind of act on my part. Or game. Ormanipulation.”
I wince. “I’m sure you wouldn’t have done it in a mean way or anything, but yeah… I guess I do need to know.”
A half-smile dimples one of his apple cheeks. “I understand. It’s a fair question.” The momentary lightness dissolves. “And you’re right to question me, Alvin. Some of itisan act.”
My heart squeezes. Those are not the words I was hoping to hear.
Collin folds his arms and exhales. He looks away, ashamed.
“Obviously, I’mnotsome lad who was born in Dublin, Ireland, twenty or so years ago. I do my best to recreate the accent and use the right slang, but I’m sure that an actual Irishman would be able to spot me as a fake pretty quick.” He meets my eyes. “This is something I’vealways done, throughout the centuries. I’m completely isolated in that watch, you see. I basically only exist when someone wants something from me, and then only long enough for them to get it. By trying to be a person who could currently be alive and out there, it makes me feel connected to the world. It makes me feelreal, for lack of a better word.”
I gently touch the back of his hand. “So… if you’re not a cute Irish boy, what are you?”
He grimaces. “I honestly don’t know! My first memory was being asked mad questions by a gang of hard-faced men in gray robes. And when I looked down at myself, this is what I saw.” He pulls his hands down his body, fingers spread. “A body that was 100% human, with all the working parts and all the same needs—just utterly locked away from the world and made into a tool.”
His voice becomes thick, and he clears his throat before continuing. “I don’t know what I was before that. Or if I even existed at all. It’s another question I’m not allowed to ask. Those ancient druids could well have conjured me out of thin air. Maybe I am just a tool. Other than the woolen garments I wear whenever I’m summoned and how I look, the only thing I could ever really call my own is my name: Culann…”
“KOO-lawn…” I repeat. We’re both sitting cross-legged together now, facing each other, the sheet down in my lap. I scoot forward, wanting more than anything to cheer him up now. “Well, that soundsprettyclose to ‘Collin.’”
He nods with dry amusement. “It’s a Celtic name. I’vejust updated it a bit. Versions of it are still in use, but I wanted something that sounded more common.”
I playfully bump my knee against his. “I get it—wanting to choose what people call you. I basically did the same thing. Mom doesn’t do last names, not consistently anyway, so I made up my own: Alonso.”
He bumps back, affectionately, before leaning in. It causes the front part of his legs to press against mine. His body heat easily radiates through the smooth silk of my PJs. “I know. It means ‘noble and brave.’ It’s a good pick.”
Shrugging, I match his lean forward, keeping the contact. “I was fourteen. It was what you might call ‘aspirational.’”
Collin lets out an amused breath, then becomes serious again.
“I honestly don’t know what I am, Alvin. The only thing I can say for sure is that every one of my interactions—what you called ‘illusions,’ all ofthis”—he places his hand on top of mine and squeezes—“for me, it is real life. And what I feel for you—I swear, it’s the opposite of a game.” He lets go and drops both his fists and his gaze into his lap, sad and frustrated again. “But I can’t blame you for not feeling the?—”
I hook the buttoned placket of his PJ shirt with a finger, pull him toward me, and kiss his lips.
His eyes stretch wide in response.
“So, that feels real to you?” I ask. I’ve pulled back, but only a little.
He swallows hard. The blush on his cream-white cheeks flares red. “Uh, yeah. Very real.”
“Okay,” I say.
I kiss him again, this time with my hand around the back of his head. I coax open his mouth with mine and explore, tasting mint and fennel, until his breath comes out in ragged puffs.
“Jaysus, Alvin… For someone who had his first kiss just hours ago, you’re some quick learner.” He tongues his lip, like he’s still feeling me on him. “But… what are you doing?”
WhatamI doing?
I kissed him just now because I didn’t want him to feel bad. At least, I thought that was the reason.
But whether it’s my monster or what happened between me and Rafa or just constantly being around someone so undeniably cute—arousal has been humming inside me like background noise for a while, pushing for some kind of release. And even if I don’t have all the answers, even if the freaking Avatar of Knowledge doesn’t have all the answers, there is one thing I can say for sure: I like this guy. A lot. I like pretty much everything about him. Whatever he is.
And he says he likes me back. I can’t be with Rafa because of what I am. And there’s probably even more reasons why I shouldn’t be. But with Collin, it’s different. There is no one else like him in all the universe. Maybe weweremade for each other.
