“Paul,” James says, eying the man in front of him dubiously. The tray wobbles slightly. He curses himself for not keeping in mind that Paul could be somewhere on the train as well.
“Moved on so soon, huh? Always knew you were desperate.”
James swallows, his throat feeling dry. His words ring true and honest, when he says, “You don’t get to have an opinionof me.”
Paul cocks his head. “Don’t I? Another man in your bed, not even a year after we split up?”
“How about the man inyourbed? The one who was therewhilewe were together.” Never in a million years did James think he would be able to speak to Paul this way. It’s funny how things change. Especially now that he doesn’t have to uphold to any expectations anymore. It’s satisfying to see the flush spread up on Paul’s neck.
The embarrassment doesn’t last long, since Paul snarls back, “That’s because you’re so difficult, but you already know that. All those unexplainable rules and routines.” James bites the inside of his cheek, afraid of showing how much the comment stings. “If it weren’t for your money…” Paul trails off.
It’s one of the things he’s wondered about; the reason for Paul’s unfaithfulness. While the communication and mental aspect of their relationship was always a hurdle, the physical part of it was something they both didn’t lack in. He’s always figured that was the most important thing for Paul anyway, so who cared about the fact that they both wanted different things in life.
James reels back as if slapped. Last year, after he found Paul in their bed with Riley, he left without giving Paul the time to explain or make excuses. The day after they gotengaged, nonetheless. James hadn’t been granted more than 24 hours of bliss, before the world fell away from underneath him. He’d just come from lunch with his best friends, where they’d gushed over the ring and thrown around early wedding plans.
Their relationship wasn’t perfect. There was fighting, evenings spent apart because of it, and miscommunication aplenty. But he was content. Ten years of being partners, only to be separated on the day he thought would be one of the happiest of his life. Finding Paul with Riley wasn’t the worst of it, in the end.
Paul didn’t grant him the dignity or time to tell their friends and family about either their engagement or their separation, because three days after their engagement dinner Paul turned up to one of the joined family functions with news of the broken relationship and Riley on his arm.
James looks away, and replies meekly, “And you stuck around that long anyway.”
“Only because you got me into the right places.” Paul smirks. It’s another stab in the gut. Also one that he learned to live with, now that he’s had the time to look at his relationship with Paul from an outsider’s point of view.
The tray is starting to become heavy, the steam above the cups dwindling with every passing second and James mourns the thought of having a quiet morning tea with Gabriel. Hetries to sidestep Paul, this time he gets as far as two steps, before Paul dishes out the final blow. “We’re getting married at Chatsworth House. Just thought you would like to know.”
He almost drops the tray. James thanks his lucky stars that he’s more composed and too afraid to embarrass himself in public. He swallows once more, blinking back tears he’s desperate to conceal from Paul. With less conviction than he wants, he says, “I hope it burns down,” and hurries into the hallway. He hates that he let Paul get the better of him.
There’s moisture clinging to his lashes when he arrives back at the cabin. But he’s been successful at staving off the tears. With a deep breath he slides open the door as best as he can, balancing the tray in his left hand. The sight of Gabriel’s mussed up bed head and the warmth of the room brings him back to reality a little. It’s enough to make him realize that he can’t tell Gabriel about the encounter. Not just because he let Paul get the upper hand, but because – deep down – he knows the words are true and he really is too difficult for someone to love.
He plasters a happy smile on his face, putting the tray on display for Gabriel to see. “I got us tea. Might be a bit cold though, it was busy for the early hour.”
“Any tea is good tea, in my opinion.” Gabriel grins sleepily, rubbing sleep from his eyes. He’s smiling softly when he reaches out for one of the mugs. The soft edge falls awaywhen his eyes flicker toward the red corners of James’ eyes. James turns away as soon as the mug is securely in Gabriel’s grasp. The tea’s so cold already that James can gulp it down in two large swallows. With a heavy hand he puts the mug back on the tray and says he’s going for a shower.
“James, is there something wrong?” There’s hesitation in Gabriel’s tone, an underlying worry reflecting in his cadence.
“Nothing’s wrong,” James tells him while he’s gathering up his towel and today’s outfit. “Didn’t sleep too well.” He wonders if he can ask Gabriel the same thing, since he’s been a little different after the phone call he received a few days ago.
*
He knows it’s only because they’ve got a shorter day in Vienna today that he’s stepping out of the train. Any other day he might’ve let what happened earlier deter him from going out and explore, but they need to be back atThe Evergreenbefore dinner and there are still things he wants to see in the city.
Gabriel’s worried glances don’t go unnoticed but James doesn’t feel like reassuring him. Maybe he’ll open up to Gabriel about it sometime. But not right now. Right now it’s still something he needs to come to terms with.
It’s nothing new to hear that he’s an acquired taste of sorts. It’s also nothing new to hear that Paul didn’t like those aspects of him. It is, however, a shock to hear your former partneradmit that he cheated on you because certain parts of your character were so unlovable and hard to handle.
The view of Schonbrunn Palace helps get him out of his head a little. With the soft yellow exterior it almost looks out of place in the gray of winter. At the same time it feels like a beacon of sorts, a spot of sunshine in the darkness. James is pleasantly surprised to find a Christmas market in front of the palace, livening up the place and bringing a lot of holiday spirit with it.
The smell of chestnuts, roasting from somewhere further down the market, reminds him that it’s still one of the things he wants to try while they’re in Vienna. He stops at the first place he finds that sells them, the smell filling the space around him and lingering on his coat.
As they stroll along the market, the palace on his right and Gabriel’s presence on his left, he makes a promise to himself not to let himself linger on whatever is happening in his life outside of these great cities and the incredible trip he’s on. He’s got plenty of time to dwell on his failed relationship, the embarrassment he’s still facing because of it and the way he’s still making sense of his new life, when they get back to London in the new year. For now, he’s content to share the bag of deliciously roasted chestnuts and let his eyes roam over the beauty that is the city of Vienna.
19 [Gabriel] From Vienna to Helsinki
December 13th & December 14th
The northern cities of Europe. It’s one of the parts of the trip Gabriel’s been excited about. It’s also some of the cities he’s been dreading the most. The cold is supposed to be a whole new level of freezing, with temperatures hitting far below zero and the risk of hypothermia present at all times.
It’s close to midnight, the train having been on its way to Helsinki for almost six hours now, and the both of them are still wide awake. It’s by far the longest train ride of the entire vacation, being just short of twenty-four hours of continuous travel, due to the fact that the train passes several borders to get into Finland. He’s dreading the snow and the cold that’s waiting for them on the northern half of the trip, but he’s looking forward to travelling onThe Evergreenduring the day and getting to see the changing of the landscape while they make their way through the different countries in order to getto Helsinki.
