The train derailing. The heating going off. Not getting the chance to tell Gabriel how he feels.What if this means that he never gets to tell-
Gabriel must notice his turmoil since he reaches out for his bedside lamp and flicks it on. The soft glow of it provides a little bit of comfort. “You know what, maybe the moonlight will help,” says Gabriel, who stands up and pulls open the curtains opposite their bed. It’s the side of the train not facing the rock formation, but James is too busy focusing on his oncoming panic attack to comment on the fact that the full view of how high they are really won’t be helping.
There’s a sudden intake of air from Gabriel and a startled gasp as he falls back on the bed next to James. “James,I need you to look up.” The last time Gabriel said those words to him, he was greeted by one of the most beautiful train stations he’d seen until then. But now, now he’s greeted by things outside of his imagination.
His own breath catches in his throat as his eyes find swirls of blues and greens swirling outside of the window. His eyes fill with tears, tears he’s desperate to blink away – he can’t let himself miss any moment of this. He scrambles off the bed to the window, hands landing on the table in front of it in a desperate attempt to keep himself upright. The slight ringing in his ears is an indication that he might’ve hit his head harderthan he thought.
A sudden streak of purple joins the green and blue and he’s breathless as he watches the Aurora Borealis swirl in front of him. It feels like he’s standing inside of it, the way the light is shining this close by. The inside of the cabin is lit up from outside, multicolored light reflecting off all different surfaces, bathing them in it. A quick glance backward shows him Gabriel, still sitting on the end of the bed. He startles when their eyes meet, finding Gabriel’s gaze on him instead of the window. There’s a fond smile lingering on his lips. James is sure that his own looks quite similar.
Gabriel’s eyes flick toward the window and the light in them dims a little. As James follows his gaze he finds the brightness of the hues dimming and slowly fading out. It feels like it’s been hours when he takes in the breath that’s been lingering in the back of his throat and sits down next to Gabriel. “That was incredible.”
Gabriel’s smile appears slowly, eyes bright as he replies, “Don’t have to tell me twice.”
“And I didn’t even flinch at the height!” James’ laughter borders on hysterical when he jumps up from the bed and twirls in his happiness. Gabriel’s laughter joins in soon after and for a moment they get lost in it.
*
They spend the morning recounting the lights. Jamesdiscovers that he’s in fact not over his fear of heights and that the sight of where they’re currently stationed is enough to make him nauseous. Gabriel offers to close the curtains, but James is determined to keep them open in case the Northern Lights return.It’s important that he knows when they return.
During the day, there are no more updates about what’s happening outside of the train, but it’s clear that people are getting angsty. The hurried footsteps across the hallway increase with every hour that passes.
The two of them nibble on their collected snacks and sip on the different bottles of soda they’ve acquired over the last week. It’s a forced day of rest, one that James knows happened because of things out of their reach.
*
In the soft, warm light of the cabin James leans back against the headboard, e-reader in hand and a packet of crisps laying against the pillows in between them. Gabriel has propped his tablet up on them, giving James the opportunity to catch bits and pieces of the show he’s watching. From the silent, shaking laughter coming from the man next to him, he gathers Gabriel’s enjoying it.
Slight movement catches his eye. He squints a little, thinking there’s a little bird fluttering around outside, before the sky suddenly floods with color. Blues, greens and purples, once again blazing over the horizon and immersing them inlight. He blindly reaches out to Gabriel, nudging him away from the tablet. Without any words he knows Gabriel’s turned his focus toward the window as well, taking it all in.
They sit there, side by side, looking out the window and marveling at the Aurora Borealis for the second time that day and all James wants is to lay his head on Gabriel’s shoulder. To soak in his heat, smell the lingering cologne and think about how he never thought he could let himself even entertain the thought of entering another relationship again. Not until Gabriel showed him what it’s like to be treated like a normal person, and not a show pony.
The only thing going through his mind right now is: Tell him, tell him,tell him.
His eyes are still trained on the window while his heart battles with his head and his internal conflict grows.
What if things really take a turn for the worse during the night?
What if we both die and I never told him how I feel?
What if-
He takes a deep breath, trying to keep his hammering heart under control, but now the thought has settled in his brain, it won’t leave him alone.
Unable to keep his body under control any longer, he turns to Gabriel, who’s been silently sitting alongside him the entire time, and without much further thinking, pulls him into a tight hug. It’s something entirely new, a touch they’ve neverquite shared before. He flushes from the heat of Gabriel’s body, a welcome source of warm comfort. At the same time, the proximity makes him shiver.
“I love you,” is whispered into the silence of the room. James’ heart hammers in his chest. He burrows his head in Gabriel’s neck when,finally,a pair of hands settle on his back.
He feels Gabriel startle, then swallow and say, “I know.I love you too.”
“It’s the most important thing in my life. Your friendship, yourcompanionship.” It’s important to James that he gets that across. So even if Gabriel doesn’t reciprocate his feelings, James is willing and able to move past this. “I want to be with you all the time.”
Gabriel’s voice wavers with confusion, “What’s going on? James?”
He repeats the words, head filling with static. “I want to be with you.”
“I know,” Gabriel repeats. “You just said.”
“No,” James swallows, pulls back from his hiding place to finally look into Gabriel’s shocked eyes, “Iwantyou.”
