On the cusp of the new year, standing on the Scottish waterline, he finally -finally- grieves the year he lost living in limbo, stuck between losing the past and fearing the future.
43 [James] Inverness, Scotland
December 31st
“Now this is something I could spend hours looking at,” Gabriel mutters. Both of them are bundled up in all their winter accessories, thick scarves wrapped tightly around their necks and hats pulled as low as possible. Gabriel’s even put on the heated gloves, anticipating the cold as the wind picked up.
The ruins of Urquhart Castle stand proudly in front of them. James thinks it’s one of the most significant pieces he’s seen during the trip. Not because of its beauty, but because of the visible aging and resilience. If only the temperature was better, he would’ve happily sat on a bench somewhere while Gabriel took his time sketching.
Unfortunately the weather isn’t on their side. Not only is the wind stronger, the temperature dropped significantly during the night as well. If James has to guess it’s close tofreezing, or even slightly below it.
It’s Hogmanay, as the Scottish refer to New Year’s Eve, and the air’s buzzing with anticipation. After Christmas this is James’ favorite holiday. There’s just something special about knowing that the clock resets at midnight and you’ll have a new beginning and a fresh start.
With Gabriel by his side, he’s sure that the new year will be full of new experiences and enough laughter to last him a lifetime. There’s so much that can change in a year, even a month is enough to turn your life completely upside down, and he’s not so secretly looking forward to seeing how things will look this time next year.
“I hope the pictures will be enough of a reference,” muses James.
“Pretty sure they will be. If not, we’ll just have to come back sometime.” It’s said so casually stated like it’s the most obvious thing. James’ heart stutters in his chest at it. Gabriel steps over a piece of rock, balancing on one leg as he jumps to find the right place to photograph the castle.
James watches with worried eyes, even if he’s endeared by Gabriel’s antics. If only his family could see him now, missing out on such a wonderfully kind person.
“Did you want to do dinner at the house? Or get something in the city?” Gabriel calls out from where he’s sitting crouched down on a slab of stone. He’s beensurprisingly open to the idea of the two of them escaping to celebrate. Something that James is thrilled about.
He hums, thinking it over. Making dinner with Gabriel sounds like a good way to end the year, sharing the space of the cozy cottage. But there’s also a part of him that doesn’t want to miss out on the celebrations. Or rather, Gabriel not missing out on it. “Either way works for me. What would you prefer?” He reaches out to pull the other up, but spots the first inkling of mischief burning in his boyfriend’s eyes just a second too late.
Gabriel takes his hand and, instead of pulling himself up, he pulls James down. He falls backward with an amused huff, which soon turns into a groan when he seems to realize that he’s now laying on the cold, wet stone. James squeaks as he lands on him, scrambling to get up.
His companion turns out to be quicker, circling his waist and keeping him pinned on top of him. Gabriel laughs, eyes crinkling with the force of it, and James is in awe. Green, happy eyes stare up at him as Gabriel hums and says, “Dinner, just the two of us sounds like a nice way to spend the last night of the year.”
With every passing day he manages to tear down some of Gabriel’s walls, and every time it happens it’s like there’s a piece falling into place and forming the image that James has of him. It’s not perfect, but for that James is grateful. No oneis perfect. He has his own habits and vices, and in a way he’s happy to learn that Gabriel’s complements his so they balance each other out.
It’s been easy to spot that Gabriel likes his solitude, his own space. But in London he won’t let himself have that. James can’t seem to recall a week where there wasn’t someone coming around theirs, or Gabriel leaving to go somewhere else. James’ heart aches at the thought of Gabriel denying himself of what he wants. It’s a good thing that they’ll be able to be more open about their needs when they get back.
He smiles, putting his own hand on Gabriel’s cheek. “It does. But I would hate for you to miss out on the Hogmanay celebrations.”
Gabriel’s smile is mischievous when he says, “I’m sure we can find a couple of sparklers somewhere. And a bottle of champagne, hmm.”
James leans in to steal a kiss, lingering for a moment. “I’m sure we could.”
For a moment it’s quiet, just the two of them in the middle of the ruins of what once was a beautiful castle and James smiles. He leans back, feeling the wetness of the ground seeping into his trousers, but the happy glow in Gabriel’s eyes evaporates every bit of reprimand he wants to use.
*
In the quiet of the late morning they turn back toward thecity. As they leave the ruins of the castle behind, James almost feels like he’s leaving behind a piece of himself, here in Scotland. It’s freeing. His steps feel a little lighter with each passing mile, even with the lingering wetness that’s soaked into his clothes.
The afternoon seems to fly by as they go looking for a supermarket and a place to buy some supplies for the evening. Gabriel manages to find a variety of different things for dinner, James goes on the hunt for a bottle of something bubbly, and together they select some cheesy party hats and sparklers.
“I feel like we’ve got food to feed at least five people,” James quips while they lug the grocery bags across town. Due to Gabriel’s little prank they underwent a little detour on their way to the house, having to stop atThe Adventurerto change their clothes.
The modest cottage rests just on the edge of the city. Not quite nestled in the tree line but secluded enough to offer privacy and solitude.
“Well, it has to last us until midnight, at the earliest,” says Gabriel. James laughs, nearly dropping the bag with the force of his giggles. “I’m not young enough to party through the night.”
“Not my idea of a party, anyway.” The smirk on Gabriel’s lips is unfairly attractive. James blushes.
The house comes into view and James is once again reminded that he really hasn’t been here enough. It’s easy to retrieve the keys out of the locked safety box next to the door and make their way inside.
The rustic wooden panels, paired with the gray stones and deep red roof have all the makings of a classic holiday getaway. At the sight of the living room, which is just like he remembers it, he promises himself to take the trip up here more often from now on. Gabriel’s appreciative glances around the space show him it would be a welcome escape.
