The way they’d looked at each other made my stomach clench. That all too familiar look of something more than lust. Perhaps it wasn’t love, not yet anyway. But their bodies longed for one another as much as their beating hearts, and this was my fault for helping Ren dive into that fantasy. She could never have that, not with Damien, and she deserved more than he could offer her.
Seeing Damien and Ren together had caused me to reflect on my own feelings. Was I jealous of Damien because he seemed to possess a part of Ren that I secretly wished was reserved for me? Or perhaps it was the fact that I knew Ren would only get hurt in the process if she continued down this road. Either way, our path had been irreversibly altered. We would never be able to go back to the way things are, and I couldn’t help but feel responsible for that.
The look on her face before she’d watched me escort him back to his tower had been enough for me to know she was angry with herself, with him, and probably with me as well. She hadn’t said a single word to me during the evening, not even as I walked her to the door, where she promptly slammed it in my face.
I’d trudged back to my room, content to drown my sorrows, but I only ended up diving deeper into them instead. Because not only was I concerned with Ren, but also Arabella and Illara.
It killed me not to tell Ren about Arabella. I had almost fallen to my knees the morning after I’d seen her and explained everything, to let her know I didn’t abandon her for no reason. But I couldn’t bring myself to utter the words out loud to anyone other than Ciena. Somehow, saying it to Ren would’ve been different.
I couldn’t explain why, or maybe I didn’t want to.
And then there was Illara, though I’d hardly seen her since she’d returned. The healer had sent word that Illara was awake and healing well, though she said the woman seemed to be quite angry with me for various reasons.
A soft knock came from the door before a small woman peeked her head in. “Sorry to disturb you, General, but I was asked to escort you to the gardens.”
I sat up, stretching my arms above my head. I realized my immodesty as I looked at the young woman and saw her eyes travel along my torso with an appreciative glance. She noticed my gaze and quickly bowed her head, blushing.
“I am so sorry, General—”
I tsked, moving out of bed. Mercifully, I hadn’t slept naked, or it would have been more embarrassing. “Apologies aren’t necessary.” I tossed open my chest of drawers, sorting through until I found a simple button-down shirt and breeches. “Who asked?”
The woman did not look up, her eyes remained trained on the floor as she said, “Illara, General. She wanted me to say,” she stopped, blushing. “Well, what she wanted me to say was highly improper.”
I smirked, pulling up and lacing my breeches before working on the buttons of my shirt. “There’s no need for propriety here. What did she say?”
The woman sighed. “She wanted me to tell you that while it was none of your business when she woke up, and that you should keep your enormous nose out of her business and kiss her ass, she appreciates the time you took in getting her medical attention. She also wanted me to remind you to stop stalking her at every turn, and that if she wanted to speak with you, she would find you herself.” The woman nodded once for emphasis. “And then, in the same breath as all of that, she wanted me to find you and invite you to the garden.”
I couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled up. “Very well,” I said. “We wouldn’t want to keep her waiting.”
* * *
“It took you long enough,”a sweet, yet surly voice said, never looking over her shoulder.
Illara was hands deep in the palace garden, Ciena not far away. The two of them had become somewhat inseparable. Where one went, the other surely followed. From the corner of my eye, I noted Ciena sorting through various herbs and flowers. She paid no mind to my arrival.
I crossed my arms over my chest. “My apologies. I’m not usually cheerful at the ass-crack of dawn. Sometimes I like to take a moment to wake up before walking to my verbal flaying.”
She huffed, a sound I wasn’t sure was a laugh or something in annoyance. Illara turned around, raising an eyebrow at me. That thick dark hair was piled on top of her head, as if she had just woken up and immediately made her way out here to busy her mind. Sweat coated her brow, dripped down the back of her neck from the early morning heat. It was enough that I couldn’t look away as a bead ran down the front of her chest and disappeared in between her breasts.
“What is it you’re doing?” I asked, nodding at where her hands remained entrenched in the soil.
“Ciena said she knew what needed to be done to save the man you are all concerned with—Damien, I think. Anyway, she has tasked me with gardening and ensuring we have plenty of ingredients for the elixir she’s making. It’s been brewing for two days already, and still has at least a week before it will be completed.” Her brows furrowed. “I only hope it’ll be quick enough. She told me how dire the situation is.”
Bundles of fresh herbs, flowers, even a few vegetables were neatly laid out in the sun to dry around her. Illara worked on a grouping of poppies, carefully tending the soil so as to not disturb those not ready to be harvested.
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” I said, nodding down at her work. “Between the three of you, I’m sure you could rid the world of every sickness.”
“Well, we aren’t that good.” A small smile graced her lips. “But I suppose we make a pretty talented team. It’s been so long since I’ve been with other women that I almost had forgotten what it felt like.”
“You didn’t have many friends in Caelora?”
She shook her head, cheeks darkening slightly. “No. I kept to myself most of the time. It was easier that way. The world is tough for women, especially outside of Helia. I’ve heard stories of their laws on equality but never deigned to visit until now.” Illara looked around and shook her head. “I regret waiting. It’s truly beautiful here.”
I joined her, sitting down and staring up at the clear blue sky above. Small birds flitted back and forth, chasing one another in the air. Over the garden walls, you could make out the Praeya Mountains, their peaks forever capped with snow. It really was beautiful here. I understood why Eva and Matt loved it so much. Hell, everyone I’d ever come across could easily express the beauty of Helia.
“When my village was destroyed, I didn’t have anywhere to turn. It was so awful, watching everyone around me burn or be butchered. There was too much needless death, and I decided not to sit on my ass and wait any longer. I can’t help but think I should have come to you sooner. I allowed personal issues to prevent me from following my heart.” She looked up at me through thick lashes, her dark eyes shining with worry. “And I hate that I have allowed my fear to rule me, but I no longer want to hide in the shadows. I want to be seen—truly seen.”
Gods. Wasn’t that what everyone wanted? I know I sure as hell did.
