Shame for not having pieced it together sooner.
Regret for having ever started it in the first place.
I ran my hands through my hair. “All this time,” I whispered, more to myself than to her. I searched my mind, hoping to find something that would prove her words to be false, but the more I sat with it, the more I knew it was true. “It was you all this time, and you saidnothing. You made me out to be a fool.”
“No,” she said in a rush, her hands splayed on the table. “No, Kalen, that’s not true. I never intended for this to happen like this. It was just a way to check in on you at first. I was sitting in the corner when you and Matthew walked into that small pub in the middle of nowhere. You took my breath away, stole every thought I had as you walked up to that bar and began flirting with the girl. It took everything I had not to jump from my table and run into your arms. Hell, I couldn’t believe my misfortune—or luck—either could be appropriate. I’d avoided you ever since—”
“Since you faked your death and sent me body parts in parcels?” I couldn’t keep the venom out of my tone. I shook with anger and disgust, my voice rising as I fought through the century of pain threatening to break me. “Howconvenientfor you to avoid the hurt you caused, when every day I found my mind wandering to you. I’ve been the one to carry the guilt of your death with me as I’ve walked this life alone. Did you know there were days Ren and Matt had to watch me, ensuring I didn’t take my own life?” I shook my head. “But I’m so glad you’ve been able to avoid me for so long and spare yourself that hurt.”
“I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you, Kalen! It was never part of the role I was supposed to play, but gods… You forced yourself under my skin and ingrained your name within my heart. I tried to convince myself I was just doing my job, my duty, yet there was something in the back of my mind that whispered I was nothing more than a liar. Before I knew it, we were married, and it was the first time I’d felt true happiness in my life.”
“And what about Sascha?” I pushed, my anger rising. “Was she a way to punish me further? To eviscerate my hope for happiness and a future?”
Red-rimmed eyes met mine. For the first time since we’d begun this conversation, guilt ate away at my conscience.
“Sascha was never meant to be, but I wanted a child with you more than I wanted anything else. When I found out I was pregnant, I tried to keep it a secret for as long as I could. Not because I didn’t want to share the news with you, but because I didn’t want Lachlan to find out. He’d already known I’d gotten too deep with you, but he’d told me he could use that to his advantage. I was stupid enough to believe him, and reckless enough not to ask questions because I didn’t care why I could stay with you. It doesn’t matter, of course, because he found out, and he was so angry that he—”
My blood chilled, each word clipped as I said, “He didwhat?”
Arabella took a deep breath, clenching her hands together. Even though I knew nothing good would come from her mouth, her admission took my breath away all the same. “H-He cursed me, forcing the babe from my womb as punishment.” Her voice broke, soft tears freely falling from her eyes. She didn’t wipe them away, letting them roll down her cheeks as they marked her skin.
My world spun, vision blurring as I slammed my fist down on the small table. It cracked; the sound echoing off of the small wooden walls of the cabin. Arabella flinched, but didn’t move away. I’d always known the bastard was a sick fuck, but this was worse than anything I could have imagined.
And she’d experienced it all by herself.
“Why didn’t you tell me about all of this? I could have helped you!”
“There was nothing you could do,” she said sadly. “I was tied to him by a blood-sworn oath—one I’d made when I was young and idealistic. He made bold promises, had said that he would restore power to the witch covens and force them to see my sister and I as equals and not as the anomalies we were cast as. Ciena and I, we were never meant to exist. Somehow, our mother was able to circumvent the laws of nature, though. Our lives were hard, Kalen, and I thought I was doing what was best. It was too late when I realized that wasn’t the case.”
“That’s not a good enough reason for the hurt you’ve caused over the past century,” I said, letting her admissions wash over me like an incoming tide. I slumped back down into the chair, bracing my arms on the table. “You know, there’d been moments—” I started staring down at the calluses on my hands “—moments when I’d felt as if I’d known Illara forever. I wracked my brain so many times, trying and failing to come up for a reason why she felt so familiar, but I always came up empty-handed.” I turned my gaze back to her, a faint blush creeping across her cheeks. “I suppose this explains why. It was all a trick to deceive me.”
“No!” she blurted out. “No, that was never meant to deceive you. I just… I wanted to feel solace for the first time since I’d left you. It was a selfish moment of weakness, and I only meant for it to happen one time, but it felt so wonderful to be back in your arms that I couldn’t stop. So, I convinced Lachlan that I was investigating the little town to stay behind without him asking questions. And then,” she paused, shrugging. “I helped. Or I tried to, at least. I deterred members of The Horde who were nearby or passing through, sending them in different directions. Hell, I’d even put together a small community force to try to run their kind out of Caelora altogether.”
“And what about the night at the barn?”
She ran her fingers along the edge of the table. “I received word that you and Matthew needed assistance. There was a regular patron who owned the land. He’d said that when his parents had died, he hadn’t had the heart to sell the place, but it was mine if I wanted it. I think he was sweet on Illara. I didn’t think about anything else other than helping you, which is what I’d tried and failed to do.”
My fingers thrummed against the wood, a steady beat against my rising emotions. “And then you ran when things became tough. Just like you always do.”
“Please Kalen, believe me when I say I never intended to cause you further harm. When I saw you—I don’t know—I lost all sense and couldn’t let you get away. It was wrong, I know that now, but she was someone who could right my wrongs and someone you could easily fall in love with. I didn’t have to pretend anymore. Arabella didn’t exist when I wore her skin. It was a second chance.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I spat. “That you had a conscience after a century about the things you’ve done? Or that you deceived me yet again?”
She shook her head furiously. Her hands balled into fists, and I knew she was growing angry.Welcome to my fucking world, I thought. I’d been angry since the day she left. “That night in the barn, it put everything into perspective for me. I saw firsthand the pain I’d caused you, even before Cassius goaded you. He may have exacerbated the issue, but every emotion you feel is written on your face. In your eyes, especially. The moment your first blow landed, I knew you weren’t going to stop until he was dead. I couldn’t stay after witnessing what I’d done. When we began working together again, I could tell you all were struggling to unlock Damien’s memories and needed to get into the castle to speed the process up.”
“So you entered as Illara.”
“Yes,” she breathed. “And once I was inside, his stay in the medical wing made my task easy. I came to him as an old witch, passing along the information he needed to unlock those memories.”
It was too much to process. I slipped between anger and understanding, when in reality, I wanted to feel numb. After a century of feeling things too much, too strongly, I wanted the peace Arabella sought for herself. If the roles were reversed, would I have done things differently?
“I don’t deserve forgiveness, and I’m not searching for it. Not anymore,” she began, “but I wanted to explain myself before the world goes to shit.”
I looked up at her. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Silence stretched between us. I could see her mind working, trying to figure out how much she should tell me. Finally, she leaned back in her chair. “Lachlan is going to launch his attack on Helia before night falls. I tried to stop it, but I—” She looked away, the corners of her mouth dipping down. “It wasn’t enough.”
“Then what are we still doing here?” I asked, standing up. “We need to go. We need to warn them. Perhaps we can evacuate others to safety before his armies arrive and limit the casualties.” I was already running scenarios in my mind. Once I knew where we were, Arabella could take us back to the palace. Surely there was enough time. I couldn’t have been unconscious that long.
