Renai shifted on her feet. Whatever I had felt a moment ago was gone as I studied her face. There was genuine pain there. She worried her lip. It seemed as though she was only a second away from biting the thing off. “I worry that Damien has taken too much interest in me lately, much like he did to you, and I don’t want to contribute to his delusions.”
I closed my eyes, letting her words wash over me. There was more to her situation because, up until now, she’d given Damien a glowing report from her sessions with him, but there was no time to dissect their relationship. “Fine. You can stay here and assist my father, then.”
His head popped up when I mentioned him, and he took the time to excuse himself from whomever he was talking with to join us. “What can I do?” he asked, his forehead creasing.
“I have to speak with someone about an urgent matter, but could you show Renai what remains to be done so she can assist you?” There was no relief in Renai as I spoke, but a quiet, lethal calm instead. Her eyes hardened, as if needing to prove herself useful in this situation. Whether or not she had felt it, she had already helped more than I could say. She would not have fought speaking with Damien unless she had a good reason. That was all I needed to know.
My father dipped his head in confirmation, though he narrowed his eyes at me. His scrutinizing gaze missed nothing, including the erratic tapping of my foot. “Of course,” he paused, looking at Renai. “Why don’t you talk to Captain Simone? She can show you what we’ve prepared so far. Your insight would be extremely valuable.” Renai dipped her head, hurrying over to the woman without so much as a second glance. My father and I stared at one another, neither of us looking away. He wanted answers, and I had none to give. “Everything is an urgent matter right now, Eva. Where are you going?”
I hesitated, knowing when he heard what I wanted to do, he would advise against it.Strongly. Still, I felt like it was something I needed to do. “I am going to speak with Damien. There may be new information since it has been a few hours since the elixir was taken. It could be a waste of time, but we have to try everything.”
As I knew he would, my father balked. His eyes raked over me, worry shining brightly back at me. “Eva,” he began, reaching out for me. I was only a moment away from succumbing to the surrounding pressures, and we both knew if he touched me, I would crumble. Instead, he brought the hand to his chin, rubbing the near invisible stubble lining his jaw. “Are you sure? I could go, or I could send—“
“No,” I said, shutting him down. “I can do this, Father. Ihaveto do this.” It was strange to find I meant the words. I could tell myself it was for everyone in this room and beyond, but there was a selfish reason I needed to do this as well.
I found Iwantedto see Damien. I wanted to see if I still recognized the man I once knew, or if he was gone forever. Even if the prospect of seeing him scared the shit out of me, I couldn’t let the last time I had seen him truly be the last time. Once upon a time, he was my best friend. We had both ruined our relationship, letting our demons fuel our fears until the fire between us was out of control and unmanageable. Ashes on the wind were all that remained, and they had been scattered to the far ends of the earth until there were no remnants of what we used to be.
But could I live with myself if I somehow survived the day, only to find that he had perished?
No. No, I could not.
My father brought me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me. His chin rested atop my head, and for just a moment, I pretended everything was okay. My mother and Erina were alive, both of them happy and laughing, just as they always used to be. My father never lost that mischievous twinkle in his eye, the one I remember vividly from my childhood. Matthew was here, his love strong enough to keep me grounded.
But then I remembered that while some of that was true, most of it was not. That dream was not my reality.
“I do not tell you enough about how proud I am to be your father, Evalyne. And, though I should, I have never apologized for the burden that has been placed upon your shoulders because I was not strong enough to bear it myself.” I pulled back, looking into his stormy eyes.
Words failed me, because what could I say that would adequately express how wrong he was? “Father,” I began, bringing my hands to cup his face. “You have never needed to voice these things because either I already knew them, or they were absurd.” He let out a choked laugh, his hands covering my own. “If either of us should apologize, it should be me, because I am the reason you’ve lost so much.”
He pulled me to his chest, his thundering heart racing under the skin. Each beat centered me, gave me a purpose, and reminded me why I was here. “I love your mother and Erina more than there are stars in the sky, and I will never forget them as long as I draw breath,” he hesitated, his voice cracking. “But Evalyne, I have not lost nearly as much as you believe, because I still haveyou. I should have told you that more, ensured that you knew I did not hold you at fault for anything that has happened.
“I hugged him harder, terrified if I let him go, he would disappear. “You know, I have tried to convince myself every day that you do not harbor that mind-numbing grief inside of yourself, but I saw it in your eyes. You have been haunted by your ghosts since you were a child, always taking everything to heart, but now it has taken a toll on your soul.” He slipped his fingers underneath my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. “You have to forgive yourself, Evalyne. No one else can do that for you.”
His words shattered me, breaking me into a thousand pieces. I loathed them, hated the way they made me feel. I hated it even more when he continued.
“I love you, Evalyne. I have loved you since before you were born. There is not a thing in this world that could change that.”
If he had not been holding me, I would have fallen to the floor and cried. I did not care if we were surrounded by strangers in a crowded room. The relief I felt from his words was insurmountable, something I had always dreamt of hearing, even though I knew I would never believe the words themselves.
With a kiss to my forehead, my father excused himself and went back to the table. I watched him go, only stopping as my gaze landed on Renai. Her red-rimmed eyes drew my attention, and she wiped away a tear before it fell. She placed her hand over her heart and nodded once. It came as a surprise to me. I had not felt shame at her hearing the conversation between my father and I. Instead, I felt comforted knowing I had her on my side.
Shouts rang out from the hallway, grabbing everyone’s attention. We waited on bated breath, none of us moving as a sentry burst through the door. His chest heaved as he gasped for breath.
“What is it?” my father demanded, clenching his jaw. “What has happened?”
The sentry looked up, his eyes filled with every terror we had been fearing. I held my breath, praying he did not say the words I knew would come from his mouth. “They’re attacking the eastern wall.”
Chapter34
Kalen
Icouldn’t help but laugh. There was no way Arabella could be Illara. They were so different from one another. “That’s absurd.” But as her guilt-ridden eyes met mine, I knew she wasn’t lying.
“You’re serious?” She nodded numbly, looking away. “B-But how? I met her at the pub where she worked, in Caelora, and you weren’t there. I still thought you were dead, and I—”
Oh gods, it hit me all at once. Memories flashed before my eyes, each one of them further cementing the truth. There’d been a familiarity with Illara since I’d taken her to bed, one I couldn’t put my finger on. For fuck’s sake, I had been so intrigued by her, and this was why. Why hadn’t I stopped to question things? To understand why the fuck I felt that way about a woman I’d only just met?
I’d been blind, pushing aside my instincts because being with her had felt like the crushing weight had been lifted off of my chest for the first time in nearly one hundred years. I’d thought I’d deserved happiness, but I should’ve known it was too good to be true. Nothing good like that happened to a man like me. I felt as if I’d be sick—full of shame and regret.
