Her eyes burned with cold fury as she clenched her jaw. “Yes,” she said, not breaking eye contact. “I will.”
“It is not simply afuckfor me, Calia,” I said sadly. “And I cannot, will not, pretend it is.”
She shifted on her feet, uncomfortable with my words. I saw how she momentarily chewed on her lip and opened and closed her mouth, deciding which words to say. It was silent as I waited, hoping she would assuage my fears. “Well, that’s all it can ever be for me.”
It was a point-blank shot to my chest, and I wondered if she would leave me bleeding out while she walked away unscathed.
I stepped aside, forcing myself to look anywhere but her. “Then go,” I said, voice hollow and lacking conviction. “I will not stop you.”
She hesitated, only for a moment, before storming out of the room. The door slammed shut behind her, and I sank to the floor, resting against my bed frame.
I did not know what was worse: believing she was dead but might offer me a chance at redemption or knowing she was alive and did not want me.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Idid not know how much time had passed as I stared at the wall with a barely beating heart. Shadows drifted along the furniture as the sun rose, wrapping them in the sweet embrace of darkness. But the light held no joy, and I let myself, too, be consumed.
I could not think, could not feel, for if I did, the truth would ruin me, just as Calia had.
Admitting so came at a great price, and her admission had been just as costly. But like the stupid fool I was, I had been willing to silence the voice at the back of my mind for a moment with her.
I was starved for her touch, her words, her gentle adoration. If only I could remind her of our love, it would be enough to bring her back to me. She was my obsession, staving off a bloody and brutal past to give me a chance at a future that would be my redemption.
But when the door opened and I held my breath, finding Jasper walking toward me with a look of pity, I knew she would not be returning.
“Rion—”
I shook my head, every ounce of fight draining out of me. Her taste still lingered on my tongue, a poignant reminder of what I had lost. “If you have come to give your condolences, I do not wish to hear them.”
He nodded, taking a seat beside me. For a moment, neither of us spoke. What could be said that either of us did not already know?
In an odd twist of fate, the man who had been taught not to crave had found his muse. Only for her to be ripped away in the cruelest fashion. Her presence taunted me, a clever trick I would fall for every time. I wondered if Calia knew how much she affected me or if her mind created a different version of me to suit her newfound opinions.
“I know you said you didn’t want to talk?—”
“I said I did not want your condolences. There is a difference.”
He snorted, running a hand through his hair. “Is there in a situation like this? Because I see two people denying themselves happiness because they’re scared of the consequences. And that, my brother, is a damn shame, seeing as we may all be dead by the end of the week.”
Though the sun had risen, the sky was tinged a deep red hue. The blood moon would peak in seven days before disappearing for another century. We were no closer to finding my mother than before, distracted by adding new members to our little coterie.
It was worth it—I tried telling myself—the wasted time was worth knowing Calia still breathed, even if her heart no longer beat for me.
“I cannot make someone love me, Jasper.” My voice was hoarse, words barely above a whisper. “And Calia is as obstinate as they come. It is but one of the many things I love about her.”
He slid his gaze to me. “You honestly think she doesn’t love you?”
I bit the inside of my mouth until blood coated my tongue. “She told me she could never forgive me, Jasper. She said she would always find a reason to hate me, that what we had done—” I pointed to my bed where her scent still soaked the sheets “—was all it could ever be. And then she walked away without care of the damage she inflicted.”
Jasper said nothing, aware of my limits and that pressing the matter further would worsen them. He pushed off the ground, offering his hand to pull me up.
“Where do we go from here?” he asked, and though I understood his question was twofold, I only knew the answer to one.
“We put an end to my mother.”
“Ballard just phoned,”Jasper said by way of greeting, dropping into the chair before me.
It had been hours since the incident with Calia, and I had immediately busied myself creating a makeshift office toward the back of the library. A small nook had gone unoccupied since I was a boy and offered enough privacy that I would not be disturbed. The open space was large enough for a writing desk and a few chairs, which was all I needed to dig through my family’s records.
