‘Don’t worry on my account. I’m not staying long and you look tired. You should go back to bed.’
‘I wasn’t in bed. I’ve been up since five.’
‘Why?’
Charlie turned and headed off towards the kitchen. I hesitated, then followed. He poured water from a filter jug into the kettle. Flicking it on, he leant back with his hands on the worktop, legs straight, ankles crossed loosely.
‘Thinking.’
‘About what?’ I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the answer, but I needed to.
‘About what you said the very first time we met.’
A laugh bubbled out of me unexpectedly, partly from nerves. ‘I probably said a lot, knowing me. You’ll have to narrow it down a bit.’
Charlie smiled. ‘You have a point. I was thinking about what you said about life not being black and white and that it was messy, and that sometimes things don’t make sense but we have to muddle through them as best we can.’
‘Oh. Yes. Well, that does sound like me.’
He smiled, then looked down at his feet. The kettle reached a boil and Charlie turned and knocked the switch. When he looked back at me, his face was serious.
‘I’m sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean it. If I could take it back, I would.’
‘I think we’d both take things back if we could.’
Charlie flicked his glance to a bird as it landed on his patio table and began sunning itself.
‘What would you take back?’ he asked.
This was it. This was the opportunity to fix everything. To try and put things back together the way that they had been before. It wasn’t going to be exactly the same. I knew that, but maybe in time… I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say something I didn’t mean.
‘Nothing,’ I replied.
I walked to the patio door. The bird cocked its head and peered at me for a moment before fluffing its feathers, continuing to soak up the early morning warmth. ‘I know that’s not the right answer. And I’ve ruined one of the best, if not the best, friendships that I’ve ever had, or probably ever will have, but what’s the point of carrying on if I have to lie?’
‘You wouldn’t last five minutes without bursting.’
‘Exactly.’ I tried to laugh but it was so hard with him standing there, looking all ruffled and big and gorgeous.
‘You know you and I don’t make sense in my world of logic and patterns—’
I held up my hands, palms toward him. I didn’t need it explained to me. ‘I know, I know. You don’t need—’ I stopped as Charlie caught my hands and held them.
‘I’m not finished.’
My stomach went all soft and heat rippled through me. This wasn’t good. I mean, it feltgreat, but it wasn’t good.
‘Oh.’
‘We don’t make sense. But we still work. We work great. It’s like you said. Sometimes things don’t make sense but you have to muddle through.’ He looked down at his hands, mine disappearing into his own. ‘I really want to muddle through all this with you, Libby. As a whole lot more than just friends. You and I might not make sense on paper but in the real world, we do. Becoming your friend is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’ve helped me see that sometimes things don’t make sense but that’s no reason not to go ahead and do them because it can bring joy and happiness and that sometimes it’s good to do things just because! For no other reason than that.’
I searched his face.
‘What?’
‘You’ve never done anything in your life without thinking about it. I love you, Charlie. I do. But I don’t want you to go into this just “because”. That’s not enough for you. And I know I’m probably driving you crazy and acting like I’m contradicting myself but I’m not. I can get over you now – in time. But if I let you in, really let you in, then I know how much harder I’ll fall for you. And when you decide that you’ve had enough of “just because” and want someone you can discuss the world’s great questions and, oh, I don’t know, accountancy trivia with, having to get over you then will be so much harder. I can’t put myself through that.’
‘Come here.’ Charlie led me to the small couch that sat at one end of the kitchen. It had a view of the patio and I could still see the little chaffinch preening in the early sun. Charlie sat and pulled me down beside him.
