‘You.’
‘For?’
‘Does there have to be a reason?’
He had me there.
‘I guess not.’ I ran my fingers through the fringy leaves again, releasing the scent and then allowing Scooby and Humph to see what I’d bought, just so that they could be sure it wasn’t food for them. After a few sniffs, they were satisfied on this point and we all moved on. ‘So, Jamie?’
‘Right, yes. So, baby brother basically frogmarched me and our dad down to their summer house, away from the kids, and told us that it was about time we both said whatever it was that we needed to as all of this had gone on for way too long, and he and Olivia were sick of it.’
‘Oh. Gosh!’
‘Yeah, I know. I think Dad and I suddenly realised that we hadn’t really considered the impact our… whatever it was… was having on other people. We both just sort of thought so long as we weren’t arguing, it was all OK. Looking back now, I can see it must have been a bit of a trial for Jamie and Olivia, walking about on eggshells, trying to keep both of us happy. It wasn’t fair on them. He was right.’
‘So, you talked?’
‘Not immediately,’ Seb said, raising his hand in a wave to his dad, who had turned from further up the aisle to see where we were. He smiled and waved in return before turning back to what seemed like an enjoyably in-depth conversation about something or other with my own dad. ‘Firstly, we both just stood there and stubbornly insisted that there was absolutely nothing wrong and nothing to talk about.’
‘Aah.’
‘Yeah… that didn’t exactly go down well. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I’ve seen my brother lose his temper. I mean, like really lose it, but he’d had it up to here by then and he just let us have it and said something about being glad that Mum wasn’t there to see us both acting the way we were.’
‘You know, your dad said something very similar when we went up to the allotment. That it would have made her sad to see you two at odds.’
‘He was right. They both were. Of course, because of my hang-up that was kind of the wrong thing to say. Or maybe the right thing, depending on how you look at it.’
‘I’m thinking the fact that you’re here today means it was probably the right thing.’
He smiled, nodding in acceptance. ‘So, Jamie says that about Mum and it just flicks a switch and I yell something about how it’s nice to know that he blames me for Mum’s death too.’ He shook his head. ‘Poor Jamie. He looked so shocked and hurt and I watched all the colour drain out of my dad’s face. My brother asked me what I meant and, the next thing I know, everything was tumbling out. Everything I’d kept inside for so long. All that I told you and more – much more – came out. Stuff I didn’t even realise I was holding on to. It all just…’ he spread his hands, ‘got blurted out.’
He glanced around. Despite his size, Seb was softly spoken, but it was a personal conversation, and the confession had been hard fought. His expression now was one of relief but tinged with surprise, as though he still couldn’t quite believe he’d opened himself up as much as he clearly had.
‘I thought I’d dealt with a lot of this stuff, and I had really, in a lot of ways. But there was still that guilt as to how it had impacted my family. How I’d felt guilty for getting injured and causing my family trauma. Poor Olivia was pregnant at the time and the stress I put her and Jamie under was something I’d completely buried.’
I tucked my arm through Seb’s, suddenly wanting to show my support in any way I could.
‘I hadn’t realised I was still carrying around some survivors’ guilt. I’m not sure that will ever leave me, even though I’ve had counselling and all the rest. It’s a part of me, just as everything I’ve experienced is. But I’d never told my family that. I’d never told my dad – probably one of the few people on the “outside” who would understand. Someone who’d been there and could relate. But I never gave him the chance. I shut those memories away from them all until Sunday, when it all came out.’
I squeezed his arm, not wanting to interrupt but wanting him to know I was listening. That I was there for him too.
Seb let out a long breath between his teeth. ‘That day, my mate wasn’t supposed to be driving. I always drove. There was no reason, but it was just the way it was. I don’t know why that day was different, but my mate called me out on it and said he wanted to drive for once. It was one of those moments that seem insignificant at the time but minutes later can change your whole life, and the lives of those around you.’
‘You wouldn’t have seen the IED either though.’ I said, softly.
‘No. They bury those suckers pretty well. And that area was supposed to be clear. It’s still unknown as to whether it was one that was missed or if more had been put in place since the previous sweep. Either way…’ he left the sentence unfinished. The reality was that it didn’t matter why it was there, just that it had been. And they’d hit it. ‘But the driver’s side took the most impact.’ He shook his head. ‘Billy wasn’t supposed to be driving. That was my job.’
‘No,’ I said, trying to push back the tears that were raw in my throat. ‘You already said there was no reason why you always drove. It was just one of those things. It wasn’t your job to drive. Just as it wasn’t his. Someone has to drive and, that day, he chose to.’
‘I shouldn’t have let him.’
‘Did you outrank him?’
‘Yes.’
‘Were you that bothered about driving? Or about him not driving?’
‘No. On any other day, it wouldn’t even have registered.’
