‘Exactly.’
‘But he had a wife, Lottie.’ His voice was soft and I let him lead me to the side, to a grassy hill that, if we turned our backs on the show, let us look out over the North Downs, green and verdant, rolling across the vista.
I nodded and the tears had now pushed their way up. One dropped down on to my cheek. I removed my arm from Seb’s in order to brush it away, but he turned as I did so and his brow wrinkled. He was back in the present, his face full of concern.
‘Oh, Lottie, please don’t cry,’ his hand was at my face, gently cupping my chin as the other thumb brushed the tear from my skin. Scooby sat looking up at us, the lead slack on his master’s arm. Humphrey sat and leant against his pal. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you. God, that’s the last thing I want to do. I shouldn’t have said anything.’
‘No, you should!’ I said, catching his hand. ‘I want you to. I always want you to be able to talk to me. About anything. At any time. Promise you will?’ I gripped his wrist, but he remained silent. ‘Promise me!’ I said, a little more desperate.
‘I can’t bear to see you cry.’
‘Well, it’s going to happen sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I’m not strong enough to hear it. Now, carry on.’ I nodded at him. ‘Please.’
‘Do you want to sit for a moment?’ he asked.
‘That’s a good idea.’ We’d long since lost our parents in the midst of the show, but I think Mum had already expected that to happen.
Seb eased himself down and I sat next to him, the dogs around us, our backs to the show and the new leaves of an ancient oak shading us from the strengthening spring sun. He looked down at me, and then gently wrapped an arm around me, and I leant into him, feeling his strength and his vulnerability. There was more too, but things were emotional enough right now and I wasn’t about to give myself any more to think about, so I pushed that away.
‘I am sorry about your friend.’ I shook my head. ‘That sounds so trite. I don’t know what else to say though.’
‘It’s not. And I know. There isn’t much to say. I went to see his widow and sorry was all I could say then too.’
‘She didn’t blame you though.’
‘No. She didn’t. She was angry still, obviously, and grieving. But she told me he was doing the only thing he’d ever wanted to do and she’d known the risks when she’d married him. She’s a strong woman.’
I swallowed, not sure I would have been able to find the strength that this woman had. ‘But you still blamed yourself?’
‘I just kept turning over why I hadn’t insisted I drive that day? Then he’d still be here.’
‘Do you know that for sure?’ I asked. ‘I mean, if you’d hit that device slightly differently, it might have just taken you both. Isn’t that possible?’
Seb looked out across the sweeping view, but I had a feeling his mind was somewhere far less beautiful. ‘I suppose that’s possible, yes.’
‘But you’re still here,’ I said, my voice wobbling more than I had planned. ‘I know you wish that your friend was too, but none of it was your fault. The “if onlys” can take us in circles, but generally they don’t take us anywhere good.’
He rested his head on mine but remained silent.
‘I’m so glad you’re still here,’ I whispered and he dropped a kiss on the top of my head.
We stayed like that for a few more minutes as we both collected our thoughts and memories.
‘So, what happened next? I mean, last Sunday? Once you’d got on your roll.’
Seb shifted position and Scooby laid his dark head across his owner’s thigh. ‘Jamie asked me what I meant about him blaming me too, and I told him. Them. All about how I felt that the worry of me being deployed each time had affected Mum’s health, and then getting injured… That’s a parent’s worst nightmare, isn’t it? I guess it doesn’t matter how old your kid is. Being told something has happened to them? I just…’ he shrugged. ‘I just felt that all of that contributed to Mum’s heart condition and ultimately the attack. My brother and I have always been close and he and Mum – they were so alike. Peas in a pod, my dad always said. And then she was gone. And I had to look at this little brother I adored and know that I contributed to him losing someone he was so close to. Who meant the world to him. And then, of course, there was Dad.’
He shook his head slowly and smiled. ‘I’d let loose this absolute torrent of confession and anger and guilt and he was just looking at me. He’d taken a seat by this time and was just looking at me, no colour in his face. His expression was… the only word I can think of is “shattered”. I’d seen it before on the faces of men and women who’ve seen things you would never wish to. And I’d seen it once on Dad too. When the surgeon came out from the Emergency Department theatre where they’d rushed Mum. Dad knew. We all knew. But I guess they still have to say something. On Sunday, I just looked at Dad and told him what I’d truly felt. That I’d stood there that day and watched the light go out in his eyes. People think he’s this tough old soldier, that nothing bothers him, but, god, he adored my mum. He would have done anything for her.’
I thought back to what his dad had said about considering quitting the army life for his wife and boys and knew that Seb was right.
‘I told him I felt responsible for putting that light out and I didn’t know what to do about it. How to handle having been instrumental in taking the woman he adored from his life. Preventing Jamie’s kids from ever really knowing their grandmother. I didn’t know how to make up for that. Jamie and Olivia kept me close and the kids helped, but I’d shoved this wedge between me and Dad and neither of us knew how to remove it.’
‘What happened then?’
Seb let out a little huff of air that was sort of a laugh. ‘I just sort of flopped into a chair. Turns out emotional downloads can be pretty exhausting.’
‘They can.’
