25
Seb bent and gave Scooby a head rub. Humph scooted around my legs to get in on the action and Seb’s soft chuckle made me smile as he fussed my own dog too before straightening and beginning to walk on.
I hesitated for a moment and he reached back with his free hand and took mine.
‘Keep up,’ he teased, as I caught him up and he dropped my hand.
A tractor came chugging up the lane, shattering the bucolic peace. We stood to the side, keeping the dogs behind us, and the driver waved in thanks. Once it had passed, we stepped back out into the lane and continued our walk.
‘I told you about Mum. Her heart attack, I mean.’
‘You did.’
‘I always blamed myself for that. She’d been fine before she got that call to say I’d been injured on deployment.’
‘Seb…’ I tucked my arm around his. ‘It’s not your fault. You can’t blame yourself for it. She wouldn’t want you to, and nobody else does.’
‘My dad does.’
I felt the air freeze in my lungs for a moment. ‘What do you mean?’
‘My dad. He feels the same way I do. About the stress affecting Mum. Having a… detrimental effect.’
My mind fizzed with confusion. ‘Are you sure?’ I started. ‘I mean… he hasn’t actually said that.’
‘Not in so many words. But I don’t…’ He stretched his neck from side to side and looked down at me. ‘You don’t need to hear all this, Lots.’
I squeezed his arm a little. ‘I want to. Please tell me.’
His eyes remained on me for a moment, his mind apparently trying to decide which way to step. ‘Don’t get me wrong. I love my dad. I just wish I could relax with him. I don’t blame him for thinking I’m the cause of his wife’s death. I already feel that, so it’s nothing new.’
‘But you don’t know that’s the case,’ I said, softly. I didn’t want to contradict him, but that was a heavy burden to carry around, let alone feeling that it was reinforced by your own father.
‘When I see my dad, which is usually only when I’m at my brother’s, I just feel…’ he dipped his head and scratched his stubble, keeping my arm tucked around his as he did so. ‘My dad was in the services. And when I see him, I feel like I still am too. I feel like I’m a soldier in his company and that soldier is a disappointment to him.’
‘Oh, Seb,’ I said, squeezing his arm but not looking up, my heart contracting at his words and the pain he’d done his best to hide. To a lot of people, it probably was hidden. But I’d known Seb a while now, talking to him every day. I knew his normal voice, I knew his voice when he’d discussed difficult situations at work, frustration at not being able to do everything he wanted to for people, and his voice when he spoke about cases, as much as he was able to anyway, that clearly really got to him. The ones that caused him pain. Just as this did. ‘I’m sure that’s not the case.’
He said nothing but briefly laid his other hand over mine as it curled around his forearm, Scooby’s lead loosely sliding up his wrist.
‘What does your brother think?’
‘Well, he’s kind of stuck in the middle, so I try not to bring him into it. We have dinners together and both just try and be civil for the sake of my brother and his family but tend to stay out of each other’s way as much as possible. Kids, thankfully, are quite a good distraction.’ As soon as he’d started to talk about his brother’s family, the tension slid away and the light came back into his eyes as the shutters opened once more.
‘You obviously love spending time with them.’
‘I really do. I wish I was closer.’
‘So, why aren’t you? You never really answered me. I mean, I would have thought that you’d want to be closer after… everything.’
He gave an exhale that was part laugh, part exasperation, although I wasn’t quite sure if the exasperation was aimed at me or something else.
‘Honestly, I think that’s exactly why I moved.’
I wrinkled my brow, squinting up at him as the lowering sun shone in my eyes. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘I didn’t want to rely on them. I wanted to prove that this wasn’t going to change who I was or take away the independence I’d always valued. I’d spent months having to rely on people and it did my head in. They were worried about me, obviously. Wanting to do stuff for me and I couldn’t deal with it.’
‘But I’m sure that wasn’t because they didn’t think you could do it yourself. It was because they love you.’
