‘She sounds like a very special lady.’
‘She was,’ I said, my throat constricting as I replied, causing the last word to crack. I dropped my gaze to Jesse’s arms and drew a finger back and forth on one as I talked. ‘Mother was very loving, from what Nanny told me, but I don’t remember her at all. I wish I did, but then at other times I wonder if it’s best that I don’t so that it doesn’t hurt as much. I don’t know if that makes sense.’
‘I know what you mean. The “is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” question.’
‘Yes.’
‘There are arguments for either side as you say. So you carried on seeing Nanny?’
‘Yes. Until the day she died. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone as I did the day she passed. She knew she was going and asked me to come over. I almost didn’t go. After all she had done for me, I thought about refusing to go. Isn’t that awful?’ I still felt shame from those moments of doubt.
‘Why didn’t you want to go?’
‘Because I didn’t want to face the fact she was… leaving. And in my twisted psyche, for a few moments I thought if I didn’t go, I could delay the inevitable.’
‘But you went.’ It wasn’t a question.
‘Yes. She had lots of friends she’d made moving out there. That made me happy. That she’d had more of a life than she’d had living with us. In truth, she could have left a long time before my father’s bankruptcy. I was long past needing a nanny but she stayed anyway. I’ll never be able to thank her enough for that.’
‘It sounds like you were incredibly special to her. She could have left and she didn’t.’
‘Probably because I begged her not to. Selfish, now when I think of it.’
‘No, I don’t think so. From the sounds of it you were a little girl without a mother and she was next best thing. It might have been different if your father had acted better but there’s nothing to be ashamed of in wanting to be loved by someone, Fliss. And when it came to it, she wanted you there, at the end. That says just how much you meant to her.’
I nodded against him. ‘There’s a ring in your safe. A thin gold band with an amber setting. It’s not worth anything much but to me it means everything. If anyone robbed the rest, I wouldn’t care so long as they left that. I usually wear it all the time but at the moment, trying to get stuck into things on the house, I’m afraid I’ll break or lose it.’
‘She gave it to you?’
‘Yes. She always wore it. Her mother had given it to her on her twenty-first birthday and she’d worn it ever since. She wanted me to have it. She held my hand, slipped it onto my finger and held on for a few more moments. Then she patted my hand, closed her eyes and…’ The tears were flowing now as I relived that heart-wrenching day. The day my heart had truly broken. If I was honest, it had never quite fitted back together the same since then.
Jesse didn’t speak, just held me close and kissed my hair until I was done. After a while, he shifted position and sat us both up, turning to kiss me on the lips this time.
‘Thank you.’
I wiped my fingers under my eyes. ‘I probably look a complete fright now.’
But he shook his head. ‘As beautiful as ever. In fact, even more so.’
I smiled back. ‘I’ve never told anyone about Nanny.’
‘Your ex-fiancé must have known about someone that important to you, surely.’
I dropped my gaze. ‘No. He didn’t. No one did.’
Jesse’s finger caught under my chin, lifting it enough for me to meet his eyes. ‘Then thank you for trusting me enough.’
Trust. That most elusive of feelings. I’d only ever trusted one person in my life, and now I’d trusted someone else enough to tell them about her.
We sat together, not speaking, for a while longer. The truth was I didn’t really want to move but I had things to do and so, reluctantly, I eventually pushed away to finish getting ready.
‘So, getting back to why you don’t leave clothes here…’
I looked back at him as I redid my ponytail. ‘It’s a good job you’re handsome, because you can be terribly annoying at times – you do know that, don’t you?’
‘Noted. And thank you. But now the reason.’
‘Ugh! Jesse!’ I said, sitting heavily on the bed to pull on my jeans.
