Ryan wanted to shrink into a corner or hide in a shadow or something. Slink away like the immature kid he was. But that was a different Ryan. The Ryan he was now was going to take a deep breath and be a mature adult.
"Sure." He stuffed his hand into his pocket to dig around for his keys. "Yeah, come on in."
He brushed past her, smelling a whiff of vanilla as he walked to his apartment. His key slipped into the lock and he walked in, turning on some of the lights as she followed him. The apartment seemed a little too bright right now. He felt exposed under the harsh light, like she could truly see him, and he wasn't sure he was ready for that. He didn't know if he wanted her to see him like that now.
Ryan watched her as Lucy moved around his apartment, her body graceful but respectful of his place. It didn't seem like she wanted to sit down or push herself too far into his world. He watched as her eyes locked on the pile on books on his end table by his couch. They were next to the reading light he had bought recently to help him read and wind down after a tough game or a rough night when he was here alone, without her.
She leaned down to read the titles, still apprehensive about inserting herself into his space.
"More mysteries?"
"Yeah," he tried to reply casually.
She straightened up and finally looked at him. "Sydney said the team gave you a new nickname."
"Booksy."
She gave him a small smile and took a few steps in his direction. "I think Sydney said it was actually Booksy McBooks."
He couldn't help but return her smile, his nickname sounding cool and smooth on her lips. "That's my formal title," he replied.
Lucy took another step forward, then stopped herself from getting much closer. "It seems fitting that you have a different nickname," she said. "You seem like you've been different lately."
"Really?"
He tilted his head skeptically as he looked at her. Sure, she was right. He did seem to feel like a different person lately. Like he was playing different or carrying himself in the world different. He knew some of the guys noticed. He just didn't think Lucy saw it too. But she had. She nodded in agreement, trying to be encouraging while still holding herself back so she didn't expose too much of herself.
"You seemed to be a different player on the ice," she said quietly.
"Sam told me the other night that he thought I had changed, that I've grown up a lot this season."
It felt good to hear Sam say that at the time. But now, it felt weird and odd to tell that to Lucy while they were standing in his apartment. They were supposed to be friends who were working on this friendship thing so they could move forward from however their previous relationship with each other was defined. It just wasn't working out the way he wanted it to. Lucy had broken his heart. The last time she was in this apartment, she broke his heart and said she couldn't be with someone immature like him. He didn't mean to change after that. It wasn't some conscious decision to win Lucy back or something. He just… did.
The awkward silence was getting too awkward between them, but he didn't know what else to do. He had looked out the window behind Lucy, out at the twinkling lights of the city. He looked at the wall. And finally, he looked down at his feet. He couldn't help it. It felt like the only safe thing to do with this woman in his apartment.
"You really do seem different."
She took another step towards him, forcing herself into his line of sight, but he couldn't handle that. He exhaled and took a step back, trying to force some space between them. Because really, he needed some space. This was all getting to be too much. If Ryan had been expecting her, maybe he could've psyched himself up or somehow mentally prepared. But Lucy was this surprise on his doorstep and he wasn't sure how to handle it.
"Ryan."
She reached out for him, and he flinched, pulling himself away from her grasp.
"What do you want me to say, Lucy?" He stepped back again, bumping up against the edge of the kitchen counter. "Are you just here so I can tell you I'm doing OK?"
"Are you OK?"
"I am."
The words were out of his mouth before he could take them back. Lucy looked a little hurt, and it made his heart break. He didn't mean to hurt her. He never meant to hurt her.
"Listen, Lucy, being with you was a safe place, and I'm lucky I found that. But I've also found a safe place by becoming a better person."
"I just…" Her voice trailed off, the silence hanging in the air before she finally looked up at him with those blue eyes of hers. "I hope you didn't change all of that because of me."
"Honestly, I didn't change for you. I changed for me."
It was the first time he had really articulated it that way. The first time he really acknowledged that out loud. That he had changed for him. And it made Lucy smile.
