I laughed. “Yeah, I’m kind of over getting banged up every other day. I hate how you watch me like you’re worried Imight break at any second—physically or mentally, for that matter.”
He exhaled sharply. “I feel...protective over you. I can’t help it. Trust me, this is new for me. I’ve never really had anyone looking out for me before. I’ve always felt on my own, so I’ve never cared enough to look out for anyone else.”
My heart splintered at his words.
“There was no one there for you growing up?” I asked.
He looked away and groaned. “Don’t you go feeling sorry for me. It wasn’t that bad. I had a great childhood with nannies galore.”
“You never bonded with any of them?”
“We went through them fast,” he said. “My dad hired beautiful young women—shocker, I know. And he never wasted much time before making a move on them. To him, they were convenient lays. What did he care when they left or he let them go? He could just hire a new one.”
I scowled. “And left his son with the most unstable childhood in the process.”
“It wasn’t that bad,” he repeated it easily, as if he had told himself the line hundreds of times.
“And your mom?” I asked carefully.
“Not much to say. I told you already that she passed when I was young. I don’t remember her at all. It’s like she was never there.”
He paused for a moment and I reached out to take his hand securely in mine.
“I really don’t think her passing shaped me in any way, but who knows? Maybe I’m an idiot for thinking that. I have this picture of the two of us at a beach. I’m just a baby sitting in her lap on a towel and she’s got this huge smile on her face.” He squeezed his eyes shut as if picturing the image. “It’s framed on my dresser and I stare at it sometimes. Iwonder if it’d have been any different if she were still here. Like maybe I’d have someone in my corner. But she’s not. And who’s to say she would even care about me all that much. For all I know, she could’ve been just as self-centered as my father.”
“She would have cared about you, Eli,” I said sternly.
“You don’t know that,” he said.
“Yes, I do,” I insisted, even though I couldn’t be sure. “I have to believe that she would see the beautiful person her son has become and be proud of him.”
“Maybe.” Eli smiled and reached out to twist my hair with his free hand, wrapping it around his fingers gently. “But I’ll never know for sure. Like I said, there hasn’t been anyone there for me. Everyone around me has always wanted something. Until you. You’ve only opened up to me in private, without the cameras. You look at me like I’m something special. So maybe I am protective over you, but can you blame me? You’re just so...”
“Pathetic?” I joked.
“No,” he said forcefully. “Genuine. I find myself constantly wondering how you’re holding up—if you’re doing okay in this bullshit environment we’re stuck in.”
I swallowed hard as he leaned in even further. I thought he might kiss me. But he brushed my hair aside instead.
“That’s really sweet,” I said.
“It’s just the truth. If anyone should be feeling pathetic, it’s me. Here I am, hung up on a girl who’s way too good for me. I’m pouring my heart out, but I’m not sure if you’re ever going to let me in for real.”
My heart thudded against my chest as I pulled my hand out of his grasp to wipe my sweaty palms on my pants.
“I get it.” He sighed, his shoulders slumping in resignation. “You already had an amazing love story. You had yourperson. I’m sure I don’t even hold a candle to him.” He pinched the bridge of his nose in defeat.
Hesitating, I opened my mouth, in disbelief I was about to utter these words aloud.
“I’ve never told this to anyone, but I was going to break up with him,” I admitted, waiting to see Eli’s reaction.
His eyebrows drew together. “With Michael? I thought he was your fiancé.”
I took a deep breath, ready to finally get this off my chest after two years of holding it in.
“He was, and he was the best fiancé a girl could ask for. We were each other’s first loves. No one knew me like him. I thought—I always thought we were meant to be. Michael loved that I was quiet and bookish. He never pushed me to match his outgoing energy. He’d go out and I’d stay in. He’d go on trips, I’d stay home and write. He made more friends and his world expanded. And one day I woke up and realized just how small mine was. Michael was my crutch. I had him and that was it. I never felt like I needed to experience new things because I had his safety and comfort. And the more I thought about it, the more it ate at me.
“When I sold my first book, it felt like my world was finally coming together. I felt confident in myself for the first time in a long time. And I decided I wanted to be on my own. I needed to step out from behind Michael and live my own life.”
