Suddenly, the forced jokes were too much for me tohandle. The sadness that they weren’t true broke the dam inside me, and tears flowed freely from my eyes.
“Why is this so hard?” I choked out. My sobs became more forceful as I wiped my eyes on one of my sleeves.
Oliver released the chains of my swing and clutched me to him, lifting me off the seat. He pressed his face into the top of my head. Everything in me felt like I was going to be physically ill. I had never had a relationship serious enough to be well-versed in breakups, but this felt abnormally difficult. How could it hurt so much that I could barely breathe?
“Why does it have to be like this?” I asked. “How am I supposed to leave you behind?”
“I like you more than I ever thought possible,” he murmured into my hair. He sighed deeply before pulling back to stare into my eyes. “I’ve never cared about a girl the way that I care about you.” He pressed his lips to both of my cheeks, kissing the tracks of my tears. “But you’re headed to New York and you’re going to kill this new job. I wish—” He let out a sharp exhale. “I wish that I could be the type of guy that gets you in the end. The one with a buttoned-up job and a college degree. But I don’t deserve you, I never did. I don’t belong in New York, just like you don’t belong here.”
His words were like a knife slicing right into my chest and turning slowly. Everything around us faded into the background. There was only me and Oliver.
“This isn’t fair,” I whispered.
My whole life, I’d been on this hamster wheel, honed in on a single direction. Now that I had veered slightly off course, getting back on track felt nearly impossible. How was I supposed to turn and walk away from him? He’d changed my life for the better. He made me happy—being here in this town made me happy.
But how could I stay? How could I give it all up?
“Frankie,” he whispered, his eyes scanning mine as if in pain. “Trust me, if I could, I’d be yours. No question about it. But you’re bigger than me. You’re meant for more.”
That made me cry harder.
“Hey,” he said gently, but when I pulled away to look at him, I saw that his eyes were wet too. “No crying, okay? Tomorrow is our last day together and I want to see your smile so much it’s permanently ingrained in my brain.”
I sniffled.
“Okay?”
“Okay,” I said.
“Now come on.” He jerked his head toward the rest of the playground. “When else are we going to get to play on one of these things without any judgy mothers staring us down?”
We were off, climbing on monkey bars and sliding down slides. Only Oliver could have me smiling so much it hurt, while simultaneously still feeling the dry, cracked tears on my cheeks.
Was this what love felt like? It had to be.
Ever since his accident, when I’d seen him all vulnerable in that hospital bed, I was pretty sure it was love. Now I was certain.
Those three little words swam around inside my mouth—like they could gush out at any second, but I held them back. They’d only cause more pain. I couldn’t tell him I loved him right before we said goodbye. It wasn’t even the fact that I was worried he might not say them back. It was the fact that if I said them, I was worried I might never be able to let him go.
THIRTY-TWO
Oliver
“You had to outdo yourself, huh?”Frankie asked as we piled into the small cart set into a metal track.
Lately, our relationship had revolved heavily around healing, support, and letting each other in. But that wasn’t where it had started. It had all started with fun. And what better way to end our time together than barreling down on a mountain coaster on a beautiful spring day?
“I figured I wouldn’t be cruel and force you to do a physical activity on your last day here.”
She sat between my legs, and I squeezed her tight as we fastened our seatbelts.
“I’m worried I might go into adrenaline withdrawal without you checking up on me,” she said.
The employee ran through a few safety instructions before sending us down the hill. Frankie squealed almost immediately as our speed increased and the trees whizzed by us.
“Press the brakes!” she demanded. “This is too fast!”
“Life is too short for brakes!” I yelled, laughing as gusts of air breezed against our faces, whipping our hair back.
