“That sounds like a great place to start,” Maya smiles softly. “I’d like us to explore resourcing before we talk more about your experiences. We can build up practical tools that you can use when you’re feeling stressed and unsafe. At the moment, it sounds like your body is responding to perceived threats by shutting down. Sort of like how a hedgehog might roll into a ball if it feels threatened. It’s common with survivors of abuse, where fight or flight isn’t an option. That freeze response was helpful when you were with Aidan—it probably kept you alive—but you’re not in danger anymore, so that it is no longer appropriate.”
I breathe out a sigh of relief. She gets it.
There’s zero judgment, and she understands why it was so hard to run from Aidan. Throughout the rest of the session, we focus on breathing exercises, visualizations, and grounding techniques. Some of this is similar to what I have learned already. From Jackson, Doc, and even my mom—but Maya explains thewhybehind each one. And somehow, that makes all the difference.
With the session’s end, I’m considerably more hopeful regarding the future. Maya told me she has worked with lots of women like me. She says that thingscanget better. And I want to believe that maybe I can, too.
I thank Maya and ask her if it would be possible to do my sessions daily at first. She explains it isn’t typical, but she will initially try doing sessions each weekday, as long as we both perceive it as beneficial. I’m so conscious of the time pressure ofmy looming birthday and the fear that I might need to run again. Just like with self-defense, I want to get as much as I can, while I can.
“This is all about you, Emily. I will collaborate with you to do this in a way that suits you best. I’m committed to empowering my clients, and one of the best ways to do that is by letting them make their own choices.”
“That sounds like exactly what I need,” I say with a genuine smile. I’m exhausted after my first session, but it’s a good kind of tired. “Thank you so much. I’ll see you tomorrow for our session.”
“See you tomorrow, Emily. Don’t forget to practice your resources. They’re only helpful if we do them consistently.”
When I hang up, I grab a notebook and write out everything she suggested.
Looking at it in black and white, healing doesn’t feel so impossible.
Chapter 23
Emily
My room, once cozy, is now too small. The sound of my breathing is magnified, echoing in my ears. I can’t shake the nervous energy coursing through my body. The scent of anxiety hangs in the air, mingling with the aroma of lemon and green tea from the mug I’m clutching. Each passing second is like an eternity, intensifying the prickling sensation on my skin. I can’t help but wonder what awaits me on my call with Maya today.
I didn’t have time to panic yesterday because Sofia sprung it on me with so little time. But today? Today I’m a mess. My skin crawls like something is trying to escape from underneath. I haven’t seen Jackson yet today either and the realization that my mood is already so tied up with seeing him hits me like a lead balloon.
Such a pathetic little bitch. So fucking needy.
That inner voice has my mind spiraling and all of those techniques we discussed yesterday are a distant memory.
“Hello Emily, good to see you again,” Maya says as our call connects, interrupting my descent into self-loathing.
“I’m not sure where to start today. I’m really nervous,” I confide, my voice shaky and small. Although getting those words out has the nervous energy easing a little.
“That’s okay. It's hard to know where to start, especially as this is all so new for you. Yesterday, we looked at an overview of the relationship with Aidan. How about today we look at the aspects of your current life most impacted by your past relationship in the here and now?”
“Like how I act when his voice pops into my head?” I ask quietly.
“Yes, exactly. That’s a great place to start.”
“Um, okay,” I stutter as heat blooms in my cheeks. It happened only moments ago, but honestly, that wasn’t the worst time for Aidan’s voice to echo in my mind. I’m not used to talking about sex, but I guess this is the one person I can talk to without worrying.
With Jackson, I worry he will think I’m broken and then it feels a little unfair to tell Sofia if I haven’t told him. But Maya is impartial. And she doesn’t seem to judge.
“This is kind of embarrassing, but can I talk about sex stuff?”
“Absolutely,” Maya says without hesitation. “You can talk about anything here.”
I almost laugh at how untrue that is. But that’s not fair to Maya. It’s not her fault that she’s human and has no idea that wolf shifters exist.
“Okay, well, sex with Aidan wasn’t very, um, enjoyable.”
Maya’s expression softens, her almond eyes focusing on me without judgment. “Did he force you, Emily?”
“No, not like that. He never held me down or anything like that. It was just that I knew I couldn’t say no because then he would hurt me.” I take a breath as a memory comes to the forefront of my mind.
“What fucking good are you to me if you can’t even spread your legs when I want you? You should be thanking me for still wanting your used-up, loose cunt when I could have any girl in the pack.” Spittle flew from Aidan’s lips as he screamed in my face. One of his large hands around my neck—choking me—while he repeatedly slammed me back into the wall. The impact of each blow reverberated through my skull, causing sharp bursts of pain and blurring my vision. “Fucking pathetic,” he snarled before dropping me in a heap and storming out of the room.
