What’s wrong? You said whenever.
McKenna
I’m not home, Van. I need at least 30 to get myself back to my place.
Holy shit. Was she implying that she was out, or that she had never made it home? Did she go home with Nathan’s friend and spend the night? I didn’t want tothink about it.
Donovan
Ok, well, we will occupy ourselves. Would 11:45 work?
McKenna
11:45 sounds great. I will see you guys at the Sunrise Colors Café then. I’m really glad I get to steal another moment with you and Audra!
Donovan
Me too.
Next on my list, I pulled up some contacts that I hadn’t used in years and sent out a group text. It felt odd and took a while to come up with how to break the ice, but it felt important to me. I wasn’t sure how the text would be received, but seeing Big Mike jarred some deep, unresolved feelings. I’d been carrying guilt and a chip on my shoulder around for a long time … too long … so I bit the bullet and hit send.
Donovan
Good morning, old friends. I have no idea where any of you are right now, so Proposition: Coffee at 1:30 at Arvaci. I know it’s not quite as exciting as kayaking fjords, but I’m in town until this evening, and after randomly seeing Big Mike last night, I’d selfishly like to see you all.
My travel group used to do that all the time: say ‘Proposition’ and then follow up with whatever crazy fucking thing that came to mind. That list was quite extensive and ranged from dropping ecstasy at the latest club to going to an indoor skiing place in Dubai. It had been forever since I typed out those words, and it was because I was the one who pulled backafter Tommy died. It was a trauma I was too young and too alone to process. I covered that extensively in therapy too.
We had been on a boat at Horizontal Falls in Australia. It was an adrenaline junkie’s happy place. The five of us had hired a local with experience to take us through the gorges. Tommy was out of it, lying down on the back of the boat, but we had been out late the night before, so I didn’t think too much of it. None of us were operating at our full capacity. Real smart move going into something like Horizontal Falls, but we were young, dumb, and invincible.
When we came upon the falls, it was a narrow gap you had to shoot through at high speeds. It was supposed to take less than a minute to clear the first one, but it only took that one minute to turn my world upside down.
Just a couple of seconds in, Tommy stood up looking out of sorts, and I watched him stumble a bit. He had struggled with opioids in the past, and although he said he was staying clean, I had noticed some changes. He regained his footing and shuffled to the side of the boat, right by the edge, to lean over and feel the spray. But he looked confused and slow, different from the rest of our hangovers. Then, I got a look at his eyes, and I felt a chill in my veins. I knew that look. He wasn’t hungover.
I started moving towards him, and I shouted for him to step back, but we hit a wave. Between him trying to look at me and how high he was, he lost his footing completely, and fell over the side. The rest felt like slow motion.
He had a life jacket on, but it wasn’t clipped at all, and it slipped off as soon as he hit the water. I screamed his name and leaned over as far as I could to grab him, but he went under almost instantly, pulled one way by the current while our boat kept speeding off in the other. My last view of mybest friend was him looking at me with panic and fear on his face. It was a snapshot that was forever burned into my brain. It still haunted me because that face told me he sobered up instantaneously and realized the inevitability of what was happening.
I got my leg up and over the side so I could jump in to help him somehow, but Elliot and Scotty grabbed me while Big Mike then wrestled me to the ground. He sat on me with my hands behind my back while I screamed at all of them to let me go—that I was an Olympic-level swimmer and could handle it, that I needed to save him, that they were terrible because they didn’t care about Tommy, and much, much worse. I was thrashing around on the ground and fighting so hard that I still had scars on my body.
Tommy never resurfaced that day. When we went through his things at the hotel, we found a bottle with thirty-seven oxys in it, so I knew he was completely fucked when we were out that morning. He just couldn’t outrun his demons. I hated my friends for not letting me jump but moreover, I felt a deep mix of hatred and all-consuming guilt towards myself for a long time; for not knowing he slipped back into it, for not knowing he was so high that morning, for yelling his name to step back at the wrong time, for not being allowed to jump in after him. I didn’t know if I’d ever feel completely absolved of it. My obsession with getting Quest up was directly related to my hope that it would be the final piece I needed to forgive myself. But that is when I shut everyone out. I already had a chip on my shoulder towards most of the world, but after that, I had that chip towards the few people I called my friends, too. It felt right at the time, almost like retribution for Tommy, but after seeing Mike, it shook something in me. The replies came within minutes.
Elliot
Donovan. Fucking. Wright. I could think of 100 other Propositions that I would have bet on receiving today over a text from you, and that includes if I had gotten an invitation to outer-fucking-space from NASA. I will save the chatter for Arvaci, but this has made my day. See you in a couple of hours.
Big Mike
Hell yeah, brother. I thought you were leaving early. I’ll sneak away.
Scotty
Holy shit. This is random as hell. I haven’t heard from you in years, and now you want to meet at Arvaci for a coffee in a couple hours like it’s no big deal? Is this even you? I mean, is someone trying to kidnap the rest of us? Is this a ransom situation?
Donovan
I’ll save the details for later, but I’ve switched some things up in the last couple of months, and I happened to be here right now. I’d love to see you all.
Scotty
