“What did you say?” Though Tal had heard him.
The loud music was making the floor and walls vibrate. It was hard enough to cope with the flashing lights, let alone trying to chat to someone to see if there was any spark. What were theysupposed to talk about? How loud the music was? How could any conversation provide Tal with enough information to give him hope?
“I know. I get it,” Louis said. “But everyone here tonight is into something similar to us. There are a thousand shades of grey. One will match yours. All you need to do is give someone a chance. They’re not all dickheads. You’d be very unlucky to come across another Dorian. No way could we have predicted what a prick he’d turn into.”
“I’m sure you’re right.” His easy please-whoever-is-talking answer. Tal currently didn’t have the energy or courage to risk his heart again. It was less painful to stay alone. It still hurt sometimes when he sat in his house trying to lose himself in a book, or empty his head while listening to music, but he knew the pain of loneliness was a lot more bearable than what he’d felt after Dorian’s betrayal.
“You going to dance?”
Nosat on his lips. “Maybe later,” came out of his mouth. Another lie. Once upon a time, he could only have been honest, even though honesty caused problems. He felt a pang of regret that lying had mostly made his life easier.
Tal wasn’t dressed for dancing. He could have left his jacket, tie and waistcoat in the car but he’d chosen not to. He had no intention of moving onto the dance floor. The rigmarole of club manoeuvres left him cold. The moment anyone strayed onto the floor without a partner, they were declaring their availability. Tal couldn’t just dance and enjoy himself, partly because he didn’t much like dancing—the movements were too random. But if hediddance and no one approached, his insecurity would make him a target for the sort of guy he didn’t need.I’m overthinking this.The story of his life.
Even going to the toilet here was like embarking on an assault course, the route lined with guys trying to persuade youto join them for one thing or another. Before Dorian, Tal had rarely been seen for what he was. Guys assumed and they were wrong. Dorian had been different, but as it turned out, not in the right way. In any case, sex wasn’t the answer to Tal’s problems. Only to some of them.
“That guy in leather looks good,” Louis said. “Nice harness, I wonder where he got it.”
The guy Louis was talking about was staring at Louis and licking his lips. Tal smiled. Someone else who was making an incorrect assumption. Louis would never cheat on Benjamin.
It wasn’t just that Tal had to like someone to have sex with them, they had to like him too, with all his faults and foibles and the rest of it. Difficult to think anyone would like him when he’d long since accepted he simply wasn’t a likeable sort of guy.You were fine until you opened your mouth,he remembered one man saying.You hold yourself backsaid another. Tal was still struggling with the consequences of not holding himself back. But he’d learned his lesson. He couldn’t trust anyone. Not totally. He swallowed hard.
He was slowly adjusting to the belief that he’d probably always be alone. He would make the best of it. He’d get up in the mornings and go to work, do his job as well as he could, choose interesting places to go on holiday. He’d not let himself be bothered that no one ever invited him to the pub, or to their stag-do, or their wedding. Though he didn’t miss the contradiction in that when he’d mentally complained about attending his boss’s partyandthis one. But why did he need to socialise with people when he’d rather be listening to music, or reading a book about dead languages, or going for a walk in the countryside or watching clouds?
The argument sounded weak in his head.
Wouldn’t life be better if someone was with you?As usual, it was Louis’ imaginary voice in his ear, challenging him.Someone to make you a drink? Have a laugh with? You could go for a walk. Cosy up on the couch. Don’t you want that?
The answer wasyes.
Benjamin arrived with the drinks and once he’d flicked his tail aside, sat down next to Louis.
Louis kissed him on the cheek. “That was quick.”
“I squirmed unnoticed through the crowd. Blended in perfectly.”
“Thank you, dragon,” Tal said as he moved his orange juice to a more central position on the coaster.
Benjamin glared. “I’m not a fucking dragon. Where are my wings? I’m a chameleon.”
Louis shot Tal a warning look.
“Sorry,” Tal said. “I can see it now. I didn’t spot the big eyes. Excellent costume. What a good idea. You look great.”
Benjamin smiled. He forgave easily. Tal wished he could. It wasn’t that he wanted to hold grudges, but he found they lingered ready to pop up and remind him he was pissed off. There was a whole list of people he was pissed off with, including his parents, even though he no longer had anything to do with them. And Dorian, of course. There should be no chance of seeing him tonight, though Louis would have his back if the worst happened. Dorian would never get near him.
Tal wasn’t here to look for anyone. He didn’t know what he wanted, didn’t trust himself to make the right decisions. In any case, he was at the vanilla end of what happened here, nowhere near chocolate chip or salted caramel. Possibly strawberry at a pinch. His needs were simple but people always wanted more. And that was okay as long as they were upfront about it. He sighed. Maybe this had never been his thing. He’d just slid into it alongside his friends.
He shuddered at the thought of seeing a therapist, but something had to change.Hehad to change. Tal didn’t attractthe right sort of attention. An irony when he wasn’t sure what attention he wanted. In places like this, those who knew what they were doing were already taken, the available hot ones were only interested in those as hot as them, and everyone else was either too desperate which was off-putting, or not in the slightest bit desperate and only here because they had nowhere better to go and at least they could watch and drool, and hope. Or like him, they were here because they’d been persuaded into it by their well-meaning mates. How was he supposed to navigate that treacherous stretch of water to the right haven? Better not to try. And yes, he was aware that made him somewhat of a pathetic coward.
“So how come you’ve never mentioned this cousin you’re spending Christmas with?” Louis asked.
Shit.“We lost touch,” Tal lied. “He lives in New Zealand but he’s over for a few weeks, visiting friends and he invited me to stay and I thought—why not?”
He was careful not to look at Benjamin who could spot a lie quicker than an alcoholic bargain in Waitrose and he never missed those.
“Well, if you change your mind or want to come back to London early, you know where we are,” Louis said. “I’m not working on Christmas Day, for a change.”
“Thanks.”
