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Joe shook his head. ‘It’s sepsis. It’s one of the most missed conditions in the world. It’s only now that hospitals are really getting a handle on the signs and symptoms.’
She put her head in her hands. ‘It was you who picked it up, not me.’
Joe shook his head. ‘Only because I ended up a few steps in front of you. I’ve seen this. I’ve seen this before. Twice. As soon as I touched his cold hands my gut instinct just kicked in. You would have got this, Lien. I know you would have.’
She turned to face him, her emotions more raw than ever. ‘But would I have? I should have gone back over last night. But instead I was distracted. I was with you.’
‘What?’
Joe’s face had fallen. He shook his head. ‘We were together, Lien. You were still available at a moment’s notice. You were still there if you were needed.’
She knew his words made perfect sense. But right now she just couldn’t think straight. All she could think about was the little boy. She’d never seen a case of sepsis before. She knew it was worst in children and in the elderly, but she’d never seen a patient deteriorate so quickly.
She put her head back in her hands. ‘It almost feels like I could see his organs failing, one by one, right before my eyes.’
Joe’s arm tightened at her waist. ‘It’s a horrible condition. It seems to come out of nowhere and it’s vicious.’
He was still here. He was still supporting her, with his arms around her.
Even though she’d lashed out. Even though she’d almost blamed him for keeping her from her work.
Guilt flooded through her. If she’d been alone last night in her house, would she really have got up in the middle of the night, uncalled for, to check on the patients?
She reached out and put her hand over his on the table. She couldn’t hide the fact her hands were still trembling.
Joe’s voice was steady. ‘Maybe you need a break. You work so hard. You’re completely dedicated to the hospital. Maybe you need some time away.’
She felt instantly wounded by those words. ‘Why would I want to be away from the place I love?’
Joe adjusted in his seat. He spoke softly. ‘What I meant to say was maybe you’d like a holiday. A chance to be somewhere entirely different. Like...Scotland, with me.’
She froze. The tiny hairs on her skin prickled. Her brain felt as if it was spinning. This again. The conversation she kept trying to avoid. She shook her head. ‘Scotland.’
It must have been the way the words came out but in her confusion she could see the wave of regret on his face. He looked down at the table. ‘Maybe you need a change. I’d love you to join us. I can’t stop thinking about this. I’d love you to come with us, Lien. Every time I bring it up you seem to avoid the conversation.’ He pressed a hand to his chest. ‘Tell me, Lien, am I reading this all wrong? I want to be with you. I can see a life for us together. You, me and Regan. Can’t you see it too?’
She blinked. He was inviting her to visit in Scotland. The conversation that neither of them had actually had. But it felt all wrong.
‘But you’re going back. You’re going back to put Regan in school. It’s not a holiday, Joe. It’s a relocation.’
He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. ‘My time at the hospital will be up shortly. I’m sure that Khiem and Hoa have already recruited someone for this job. I need to go back home. Regan needs a chance to spend some time with his grandparents again.’ He let out a long slow breath. ‘I just wondered if you wanted to see a little of Scotland.’
Her insides were churning. Part of her had wanted this conversation to take place. She’d half dreaded that he might just step back on the plane back to Scotland and wave goodbye.
What she really wanted to do was throw her hands around his neck and try to keep him with her.
But life didn’t work like that. He had a job back home. A house. A house that someone like her would never belong in. It didn’t matter how welcoming his parents were. After a while they’d enquire about her, where she came from, and what her own parents were like.
Lien didn’t want to leave them. She didn’t want to live in a different country from them. How could she keep them safe if she wasn’t here? How could she try to keep them healthy?
‘You’re going home, Joe. You’re going back to your job, and your life. If I came—then what? You show me around Scotland for a few weeks then I come back here?’
‘I guess that depends on you,’ he replied. His gaze was steady, and she just wasn’t sure if he was nervous about making any more suggestions.
She shook her head. ‘I don’t understand what you’re saying.’ Frustration swept over her.
Joe squeezed her hand. ‘I guess I’m wondering what you’ll think when you get there.’ He gave a kind of hopeful smile. ‘Maybe you’ll love Scotland as much as I love Vietnam. Maybe you’ll decide you want to stay with me and Regan. Work there.’
She could feel all her automatic defences slide into place. ‘Because that’s the only way we’ll work—if I give up my life and come to Scotland with you and Regan? Scotland. A place I’ve never been, and know nothing about.’
He pulled back from her, grasping his hands together on the table and wringing them together. ‘I don’t know, Lien. I don’t know how any of this will work. I’m trying to make sense of everything in my head. I’m trying to think of a way that this—us—doesn’t actually end.’
Again her skin prickled and she took a deep breath. He was telling her that he didn’t want this to end. Part of her heart wanted to sing. But it couldn’t. Because in all his ramblings she hadn’t heard any solution that would work for her.
Try as she may, she couldn’t put the picture of his home out of her head. How many times over could her own parents’ home fit into Joe’s? Tears pricked at the corner of her eyes. She hated this. She hated those deep-down thoughts of not being good enough. It didn’t matter how much she tried to shake them off, the adversity of poverty was ingrained within her. She’d learned to accept those feelings were there. She put her hands flat on the table, as if she was trying to steady herself. ‘You know that I adore Regan,’ she said steadily. ‘And I would love it if you both stayed. But...’ she shook her head slowly and willed herself not to cry ‘...I’m not sure that coming to Scotland is a good idea.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I can’t stay, Joe. I won’t stay. My life is here, in Hanoi. I’ve worked in a few other places for six months at a time. But I wasn’t in either of those places to put down permanent ties. I always knew my permanent ties were here at the hospital. If I go to Scotland and stay with you and Regan, even
for a few weeks...’ she swallowed ‘...it gives him an unrealistic expectation of what happens next. He’s a kid, Joe. He’ll think we’re playing happy families, and if I pack my case a few weeks later to leave again, what does that do to him? To his little brain? He’s already got around losing someone he loved. How cruel would it be to walk away from him? I’m telling you upfront that I can’t stay, but you’re asking me to come without thinking about what message that sends to Regan.’
Joe bristled next to her. She’d never accused him of not paying attention to Regan’s needs before, and this had obviously set him on edge. He went to open his mouth but Lien turned directly towards him and held her hand in front of his mouth. ‘Would you want to tell your son that I don’t love him enough to stay?’ Tears spilled down her cheeks. She couldn’t stop them.
Whatever words had been on Joe’s lips seemed to die in the air between them.
His phone buzzed. A text from the hospital. But she wasn’t interested in the text. She was interested in the fact that a few months on, his screen shot hadn’t changed. It was still Esther.
It seemed so petty to complain about a photo of his dead wife. But it made her stomach ache in a horrible twisty way.
Joe seemed oblivious to it. He didn’t even notice it any more.
But she did.
He reached up to brush away her tears but she shook her head and pulled back out of his reach. ‘Don’t.’
She couldn’t bear him to touch her right now. Touching him would evoke all the memories that would make her crumble. His touch was proving addictive to her, and she couldn’t go there right now. Not when she was trying so hard to be strong.
Joe’s face looked broken. His voice came out of nowhere. ‘Don’t you love him enough to stay? Don’t you love me enough to stay?’
Rage flooded over her like a tidal wave. ‘How can you say that to me? How can you ask if I love you both enough to give up my whole life for you, when you wouldn’t consider it for me?’
She pushed herself up from the chair. ‘You’re not playing fair. Why should I do this? Why should I be prepared to give up everything, go to Scotland and get my own heart broken when I have to leave?’
