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She couldn’t stop smiling. And she couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt like that. Things were going so well she was considering coming off the meds she’d started taking months ago. She didn’t want to do it without talking to her GP first, but getting an appointment was proving tricky.
The countdown on the calendar was feeling ominous, the end of the swap creeping closer and closer. Soon, it would be time to pack up her belongings and drive the long road back up to Scotland. She should feel happy to see some of her old colleagues, her best friend Ryan—who she’d badly neglected since she’d been down here—and to see the views from her old cottage again with all the fields and sheep.
But, even though she knew she should be happy, there was still a feeling in the pit of her stomach. Or two actually. One, because she wasn’t looking forward to going home the way that she should—and that made her feel a bit guilty. And two, because she still had something really important to do first.
Hannah. She had to have the conversation with Joshua about Hannah. She’d tried a few times, but it had never seemed quite the right moment. But it was beginning to feel that there would never be the right time to have this kind of difficult conversation. She had a duty. To herself, to Hannah and to Joshua.
If there was any chance of them being a family together, she had to prepare herself for times like this. She was still a bit of an outsider—but that might have been why Hannah had confided in her.
As a doctor, keeping confidences was always an issue. Times at work could be tough, and child and family protection issues meant that confidences had sometimes to be broken in order to protect those who needed it.
Of course those kind of issues didn’t apply to Hannah but, as a compassionate adult, Clara knew she had to let Joshua know how his little girl was feeling. His wife, Abby, was such a sensitive subject. She had been mentioned in passing, more so since they’d been at the wedding together and Clara had met a number of their mutual friends. None of those people had made her feel uncomfortable. Clara wasn’t that type. She didn’t expect people who’d known Abby to feel as if they couldn’t mention her in Clara’s presence.
Joshua had loved and respected his wife. That much was clear. But he was ready to move on. He’d told her that, and she believed him. She didn’t have the feeling that she was taking someone’s place, or living in their shadow, and that gave her the security in this relationship that she needed.
But it still didn’t excuse her for not being brave—for not bringing up the subject before now.
Clara sighed and stretched as she looked out of the window. She’d emptied a few drawers in the kitchen, trying to sort out what she needed to keep and what she needed to get rid of. When she’d arrived here, Georgie had this place as neat as a show home and whilst Clara wasn’t quite up to those standards, she wanted to make sure things were still kept tidy.
The door clicked and Joshua walked in, a broad smile on his face. He flung his backpack into a corner and wrapped his arms around her, shuffling her backwards towards the sofa.
She laughed as they both landed on it together. ‘Hey, what’s this for?’
His body was warm against hers. ‘Just missed you,’ he said.
He’d been at a hospital management meeting, and she knew that he hated those. It was part and parcel of being the head of the department, so there was no getting out of them.
‘Want me to make you some food?’ she murmured next to his ear.
He shook his head. ‘Just coffee.’ He lifted his head. ‘Hannah still on her play date?’
She nodded. ‘Hunter’s mum phoned and asked if she could stay longer. It’s an hour before we need to pick her up.’
Joshua let out a groan and rolled off her, changing position so he was sitting on the sofa. ‘I don’t think I’m cut out for this. What five-year-old girl goes on a play date with a boy? Shouldn’t she be hanging out with other girls?’
Clara laughed. ‘Stop being such an old guy. Hannah can go on play dates with whoever she likes. She’s having fun, she’s socialising; that’s what’s important.’
‘Who is this Hunter anyhow?’ asked Joshua. ‘Do we know his mum and dad?’
She shook her head. ‘Oh, no, we handed over our daughter to perfect strangers without a single question.’
The words were out before she’d even had a chance to think about them. But as soon as she said them out loud she froze.
Joshua’s head whipped round and his gaze locked on her with such an intensity that her natural reaction was to back away. ‘Slip of the tongue,’ she said quickly as she stood up. ‘I’ll get the coffee.’
Her legs were shaking as she hurried into the kitchen and she couldn’t ignore the slight edge of panic in her chest.
She knew instinctively within a few seconds that Joshua was following her. She took a few quick deep breaths, trying to calm herself again. It was a genuine slip of the tongue. But it left her feeling exposed.
She stuck the pods into the coffee machine and kept breathing. Maybe this was a sign. Maybe it was time to have that conversation about Hannah that she’d been delaying.
As Joshua came around the corner into the kitchen, Clara spun around and put her hands behind her, leaning against the counter.
‘We need to talk.’ Their voices sounded in unison.
‘Me first,’ said Clara quickly.
‘Okay.’ Joshua nodded, his expression more serious than she’d ever seen before. It felt like being a child called into the headmaster’s office. Which was ridiculous. Of course it was. But she couldn’t pretend that wasn’t how she felt.
‘I need to talk to you about Hannah,’ she said quickly.
‘Okay.’ His brow furrowed a little as if he wasn’t quite sure where she was going with this.
And she wasn’t. Instantly she wanted to delay again because she was sure, no matter how she tried to frame this, Joshua would feel hurt. And it was the last thing she wanted to do. But she had to be truthful. She had to put Hannah first. Before her own wants and needs. And before Joshua’s.
‘Hannah spoke to me a few weeks ago about something. And I know I should have told you sooner but, to be honest, I’ve found it difficult to bring this up without hurting your feelings. Because that’s not my intention, not at all.’
Joshua just looked confused. ‘What do you mean?’
She sucked in a breath, willing herself to ignore the tears that materialised in her eyes. ‘She was worried, Josh. I think she feels pressure—even though I know it’s completely unintentional.’
‘Pressure about what?’ She could see he was starting to get a little annoyed.
‘About her mum. About Abby.’
Joshua took a few steps closer. ‘I don’t understand.’ The coffee machine started to make gurgling sounds behind her.
Clara closed her eyes for a second. ‘It was bedtime and she was tired. She was talking. She told me she doesn’t remember her mummy at all. And she’s sad about it.’
Joshua shook his h
ead. ‘But she was just a baby—’
Clara put her hand up. ‘I know that, and I explained to her that you and Georgie know that too. But she’s sad. She’s sad she can’t remember anything—’
He cut her off. ‘But that’s why Georgie and I have told her as many stories as we can. So she knows it’s okay to talk about her mum, to ask questions.’
Clara paused for a second, letting some silence fill that air between them. ‘She feels guilty, Joshua. She feels guilty she can’t remember, and she feels pressure to find memories that just aren’t there.’
As Joshua’s eyes widened, Clara added, ‘She thinks it makes you sad.’
He took a step back, leaning against the wall in the kitchen. ‘But—’
Nothing followed the word but she could see him trying to process what she’d just told him. His eyes fell on a pile of papers and cartons on the counter top that she’d been ready to take to recycling.
His voice trembled a little as he looked across at her. ‘How long ago did she tell you this?’
Clara hesitated, inwardly cringing. ‘A few weeks ago.’
‘A few weeks ago, and you’ve said nothing?’ There was no mistaking the incredulous tone in his voice.
Guilt flooded over her. ‘I know. But I wasn’t sure how to tell you. I’ve thought long and hard about it.’
‘Did you think long and hard about how many times I might have mentioned Abby to Hannah over the last few weeks? How I might be unintentionally hurting my daughter without realising it?’
The wounded expression on his face told her everything she needed to know.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said quickly. ‘But I did try and explain to her you didn’t mean it. And I told her that maybe when she was older she might want to ask questions, and that you and Georgie would be happy to answer them.’
