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‘You told my daughter all that, but you didn’t think to sit me down and tell me too? To let me know that I’m clearly failing my daughter.’ The words were spat out, and she knew he was angry, she knew he was hurt. Those words took her back to the first time he’d sat down on her sofa and opened up. Opened up about wondering if he was getting things right with Hannah. It was clear that those underlying fears had never left him.
She stepped forward but something in his expression made her halt. ‘You’re a great dad, Joshua. Don’t doubt it. Hannah is a lucky girl. And she’s a real credit to you.’
Even as she said the words she could feel the shift in the air between them. It didn’t matter that she was taking steps closer to him, it felt as though they were pulling further and further apart.
He shook his head and rested his hand on the countertop, not meeting her gaze. ‘I can’t believe you didn’t talk to me about this right away. Don’t you get how important this is?’
The implication in the words stung. She kept her voice low. ‘I know how important it is. Why do you think we’re having this conversation now? Do you think I wanted to do this? Do you really think I want to tell you not to talk about Abby to Hannah?’ She held up her hands, ‘How dare I? I didn’t know Abby. I have no right to say something like that. Because I understand how hurtful it is.’ She shook her head and looked down. ‘I’m new to all this parenting stuff, Joshua. You know that. But I know what the right thing is. And this,’ she pointed her finger down to the floor and said the words a little more resolutely, ‘is the right thing to do. Because you and I aren’t the important ones here. Hannah is.’
‘You think you need to tell me that?’ His voice was raised, cutting through the kitchen.
Clara threw her hands back up. ‘Of course I don’t. But you’re so angry at me right now I think you need a reminder.’
Joshua turned his back on her, leaning over the counter top, his eyes fixed downwards. Clara wasn’t sure what to say next. She was trying to quell the tightness in her chest. A few days ago, everything had been perfect between them. Should she have kept quiet—said nothing at all? But what kind of person actually did that—didn’t loving someone mean loving all of them, and not being afraid to talk about the hard stuff?
She turned and pulled out the cups from beneath the machine. She wasn’t even thirsty, and if she could pick a drink right now it wouldn’t be coffee. But it gave her something to do with her hands. Something for her brain to focus on while Joshua’s brain focused on how much he hated her, and what a bad parent he was.
But the next words she heard were totally unexpected. ‘Clara, what are these?’
She turned back around. He had an empty cardboard pill box in one hand and a catalogue in the other. The sperm donor catalogue. The things she’d planned on placing in the recycling bin.
Her heart stopped.
Joshua was shaking his head and looking thoroughly confused. ‘Are you trying to have a child?’ he asked.
The words stuck somewhere in her throat. This wasn’t a conversation she’d ever planned to have with him. ‘I... I...considered it,’ she said finally.
‘You considered it?’ he repeated, disbelief on his face.
She nodded and swallowed. Coffee might be useful right now. Her mouth had never been so dry.
‘And this is another thing you didn’t think to mention?’
She shifted uncomfortably, but somewhere deep inside she felt a little flicker of anger. ‘I didn’t mention it because it didn’t affect you. This was something I was considering before I came down here. I hadn’t decided if it was a step I wanted to take, but I wanted to find out more, so I did.’
‘And you didn’t think it important enough to mention to me—even though we were in a relationship?’
When he said those words out loud, it made her feel ridiculous. Even though it all made perfect sense in her head.
Something flickered across his gaze. ‘And was IVF with a sperm donor the only way you considered having a baby?’ Ice dripped from his words so clearly it made her shiver as the implication penetrated her brain.
‘What?’ She couldn’t help but raise her voice. Surely he couldn’t be accusing her of that?
He kept his gaze locked firmly on hers. ‘Answer the question.’
She couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t believe his brain would actually work that way. ‘You’d better be joking,’ she snapped, her temper finally fraying.
Joshua started pacing. ‘Why would I be joking, Clara? The person that I’ve told that I love, that I want to make plans with, has been keeping secrets from me. I thought I knew you—but it turns out I don’t know you at all. Maybe this relationship is all just a convenience to you. Charm the local guy and see if you can get pregnant. Is that what I was to you—a convenience?’
Now she was shouting and she couldn’t stop herself. She didn’t allow herself to start where he had just left off. She started with the whole ridiculous idea. ‘Are you crazy? What I feel about you is hardly convenient. How could it be? In a few weeks we’ll be parted again. You’ll be here and I’ll be back in Edinburgh. The job swap will be over. I won’t get to see you every day. I won’t get to run up the stairs and knock on your door whenever I need a Josh fix. I won’t get to pretend to want to use the gym just to see you in those shorts. What part of being hundreds of miles apart seems convenient to you?’ She took another breath. ‘And then, on top of all that, you make stupid claims. That I’m using you as a potential sperm donor. Words can’t even describe how insulted I am. You honestly think I would do something like that? Casually sleep around and try to get pregnant. Just what kind of human being do you think I am?’ Angry tears started to spill down her cheeks. She needed to get her temper in check. Her brain wanted to transport her body to the gym upstairs so she could have a go at one of the punch bags. It might be the only way to let all this pent-up frustration out.
Joshua was still shaking his head. He picked up the cardboard pill box. This time his voice was quiet. This time his voice sounded sad. ‘And why didn’t you tell me about these?’
She blinked, becoming automatically defensive. After a few moments of deep breathing she tilted her chin upwards. ‘Because what prescription medication I take is my business. I don’t need to share that with you. You’ve been in this job a long time, Joshua. I know lots of doctors who’ve taken anti-depressants, now, and in the past. It’s a stressful job. Things happen. And sometimes you need to seek treatment. I’m not ashamed. I’m not embarrassed. This has been part of my life for a long time, and I’ve accepted it. I also don’t think I need to explain myself to you. I’d actually just decided that I was feeling well enough to come off my meds, but again, that’s nothing to do with you.’
He turned back to the counter and pressed his hands against it, bowing his head. By the time he turned back around she was stunned to see he had tears in his eyes.
‘I can’t do this,’ he said simply.
‘What?’
‘I’ve lived this life. It almost broke me. I can’t do it again.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘I had a wife who kept secrets from me. She knew she was sick. She knew the treatment could harm our baby. She chose not to share with me. She chose to keep it to herself until after she’d delivered our baby.’ He paused and she could see the hurt on his face and in his eyes. ‘She didn’t trust me enough to tell me.’
The words sliced through her. More than she expected them to.
He shook his head again and, although there was a tremble to his voice, it also seemed firm. ‘I can’t be with someone like that again. Someone who can’t trust me with their personal issues. Someone who keeps secrets.’
She knew he wasn’t talking about the sperm donor. She knew he was talking about her mental health.
Part of her felt guilty. She’d never thought about this
from his perspective before. She’d been so worried about hurting his feelings over the conversation about Hannah that she hadn’t even considered this—even though she knew his history. Why hadn’t she made the connection? It made her feel stupid.
‘Talking about mental health isn’t easy.’ She started slowly, meeting his gaze again. ‘Particularly when the person you’re going to talk to is also technically your boss.’ His expression remained unmoved.
‘If I tell people I suffer from depression then—no matter who they are—a judgement forms in their brain. She can’t cope. She isn’t grateful for what she’s got. She can’t be relied on. Don’t give her more than one thing to do. What on earth has she got to be depressed about? I’ve heard them all, Joshua. So I stopped talking about it.’ She held up one hand. ‘How do you explain depression when you can’t link it to one thing? How do you explain that you just lose interest in things you previously loved? That you can’t find the energy to get out of your chair, let alone do an extra shift? That the edges around your world feel dull and greyish? The first thing people ask is why? What they can do to help. What they can do to make you better.’ She sucked in a deep breath as her voice started to shake. ‘I guess somehow I thought that you might be like that, Joshua. That you might try to—’ she lifted her fingers ‘—fix me.’
Another tear rolled down her cheek. ‘I don’t want you to fix me. I don’t want anyone to fix me.’ She pressed a hand to her chest. ‘Because this is me. This is who I am. And I want to fix myself. And you have to take me as I am, Joshua. All of me. Even the parts you don’t like.’
He blinked, clearly slightly stunned by her words. One minute both had been raising their voices, now they were speaking in barely a whisper, so much hurt in the air between them.
Clara blinked, trying to pull back the memories of their weekend together and how they’d been so happy. Life had seemed almost perfect. She’d met a man she loved, with a little girl she adored. Work was great, and they were making plans for a future together. Maybe that future could include the large family she’d always wanted?
