“Deal,” he said with a little wink.
Digging my fingers into his crisp shirt, I said, “Will you promise me something? If you ever feel like you’re putting more effort into this, you will tell me? I don’t…want you to resent me.”
“I promise. Besides, there is nothing wrong with needing a little extra.” That smirk that I loved pulled at his lips. “I enjoy spoiling you and taking care of you. It’s not a chore.”
“Okay,” I breathed out and laid my head against him.
I focused on the rise of his chest as he breathed and the beat of his heart. I wanted to cry again because I had a real shot at happiness. But I was afraid of screwing it up. I made a promise to both of us to work on fixing myself so we could be together as equals.
“How—I’m sorry I left you when you needed me, but… how is your sister?” I asked.
He sighed and I glanced up to find an angry expression on his face. I listened intently as he talked about her, describing in detail what it was like not knowing if someone you loved was dead or alive. He was conflicted about the situation, and I understood all too well.
I scooted up his body so that I was at his level. “I knew where to find her because my mom used to go there. And…because sometimes I still go there hoping to find her. I don’t know if she is still alive and I’m too scared to know.”
He pushed my hair from my face. “When you’re ready, I’ll help you find her. If you never are, that’s okay.”
Nodding, I kissed his lips. “You can talk to me about it too. I didn’t get to the anger phase until I was twelve, but it canbe pretty bad. I rebelled hard, always running away from the group homes and vandalizing things. I was pissed at my mother for abandoning me and hurt that my aunt died. I made myself unadoptable, I guess, but few people want to take on a kid with my history.”
He bumped his forehead against mine. “Thanks, baby boy. It’s been hard. My father is a good man, and he never gives up on his family, but I think he’s finally accepted he can’t save her. Our goal now is to spare Amelia as much pain as possible and give her a normal life.”
“Looking back…I wished my mother would have given me up, or the state would have taken me away sooner,” I said. “The worst was hoping she might remember I existed and then having it crushed when she didn’t come home.”
“Mom told me what you said to Amelia Christmas night,” he said.
Nervous heat flooded me, and I looked down. I’d been afraid she might overhear. It wasn’t just that my personal thoughts had been laid bare, but I didn’t want to give his parents a reason to think bad of me.
He tipped my chin up. “You reached a place inside her none of us can. She’s been asking when you’re coming over again. She wants to know when we’re getting married and has her heart set on being the flower girl.”
“You’re not mad?”
His expression tightened in frustration for a moment before he smiled. “Not one bit. We all think it’s good for her to be around someone that can understand what she is going through. Mom was shocked that she knew about the meth.”
“Kids are smart,” I mumbled. “I’m sorry if I overstepped. I just felt like she needed to know she wasn’t the only one fighting monsters.”
“You didn’t, baby boy. We’re all very thankful you were there for her that night. And my parents are extremely sorry we ruined your Christmas. They want to make it up to you when you’re ready. But that will be your choice, okay? Right now, I want to focus on us.”
I nodded and accepted his kiss. It was late and we were both mentally exhausted, but sleep was hard to come by. I clung to him, thankful he was here. In between naps, we talked a little more. I told him about Maria and how I’d inadvertently hurt her because I’d been scared to tell her I was gay. He listened intently as I unloaded my pain, chiming in every now and then to remind me I was worthy of being loved by all kinds of people.
“Jake…I need to tell you something important. I’ve been putting it off for too long, but you have to swear to me you won’t lie about the question I’m going to ask afterward. Swear that to me, baby boy.”
“I swear,” I said as we lay facing each other. He looked sleepy, beautiful, as the darkness of the room revealed his hard edges as if I were the only one meant to see them. He’d seen mine and cherished them regardless.
“You asked about Sean and me before. We were a thing for about a year. We probably would have gone all the way if it weren’t for something I can’t live without, and he couldn’t accept.” He took a deep, shuddering breath and it was strange seeing the vulnerable parts of him. “I have this…need to watch people have sex and be watched.”
His words hung in the air, and I wasn’t sure if I should say something. Judging by the way his expression changed, he was trying to find his words.
“I don’t necessarily partake in orgies. Mostly, I like to watch and occasionally be watched getting a bj. It’s a need for me, like with you and the lingerie. There’s nothing wrong with it, but not everyone is into it.”
I touched his face, his jaw, wanting to comfort him because I was aware he was letting me into a secretive part of his life. He kissed me chastely and smiled shakily.
“Despite the kinky nature of it all, I always dreamed of finding someone that would be into it as much as I am. When Sean and I broke up because of my needs, it left a big scar on my heart.” He skimmed his thumb across my cheek as if he were trying to commit me to memory. “I can ignore it for a little while, but eventually I need to scratch that itch. So my question…if you think that isn’t something you can accept, will you tell me, so we don’t end up hurting each other?”
I chewed on my lip for a long moment. “I’m not sure. That’s the most honest answer I can give you because I…don’t know.”
“I understand. I suppose the follow up question is, do you want to find out?”
I thought about what he’d said. My fantasies and porn consumption had always run on the wilder side so public sex wasn’t all that shocking. But I was worried about my social anxiety.
