“You can talk to me,” he whispered gently.
I nodded against the pillow in agreement, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to ruin the moment. Ultimately, talking to him about my trauma was a weight off my shoulders. I hadn’t had anyone to talk to for so long. There were certain things I couldn’ttell Nana mostly because at the time I hadn’t understood them myself. I’d never had the opportunity to tell her I was gay because she’d died before I’d realized that I liked boys. But I knew in my heart she would have accepted me.
No matter who you are, I’ll always love you, Miho. Never forget that.
“My father made sure I remembered I was the reason my mother couldn’t have any more children. Because I was their only son, expectations were sky-high. He believes I betrayed him by being gay and that is unforgivable in his eyes.” My throat tightened as the words left my lips. I’d never said them out loud before.
“Fuck, no, Matteo. That's absolutely not your fault,” he growled.
I shrugged, uncomfortable heat coursing through me. “I know.”
“No I don’t think you do. Being told something like that every day of your life doesn’t just go away.”
“I’ve told myself that it’s not my fault a million times. But…every now and then, I wish I’d tried harder to be what they wanted. And sometimes I wish I were never born because if I weren’t, I would have never hurt my mother the way I have.” The pressure quickly built behind my eyes, and I told myself to stop but heaven had opened its floodgates. “I guess, that’s my religious guilt?”
He pulled me so close I thought I was going to melt in him. All I could do was hold onto him as I slobbered all over his chest again. “It’s not your fault, Matteo. You are a wonderful, beautiful person and deserve life.”
I nodded, knowing he was right, but my father’s deadpan voice echoed in my mind.Because your mother can’t have any more children, you are the future of this family. It falls upon your shoulders to elevate our name in God’s grace.
I sniffled and asked, “Maybe he hates me for it. It’s the only reason I can think of that made him so cold and cruel. Even Nana said she no longer recognized him as the son she loved.”
“I blamed myself in the beginning too. But I’ve come to realize we are only responsible for ourselves. We cannot change what people believe.”
I held onto him because I never wanted him to leave. He tipped my chin up so he could kiss my salty tears away.
“Thanks for listening. I actually feel better.”
A little smirk pulled at his lips. “As if I have a choice?”
I grinned at the jab, everything feel right.
CHAPTER TWENTY
SEAN
I pumped the barbells, barely feeling the weight, my mind on Matteo. I realized that I’d practically told him I’d had feelings for him the night he’d fucked me. I hadn’t thought twice when he’d asked I’d let him do it because it was more than casual. At least, on my end.
Truth was, I wasn’t sure if the sudden butterflies in my tummy was because I’d reconnected with the part of myself I’d buried, or because I’d developed feelings for him. It was all too easy to fall in love with a guy because of his cock. More than that though, I didn’t want to fall for someone that couldn’t return my feelings. He was young and figuring out who he was. By law, he wasn’t supposed to get deeply involved with someone until he’d been around the block a few times. He deserved to have no strings, anonymous sex and experiment.
More importantly, he’d opened up about the trauma and acknowledged the lasting effects. I was pissed off on his behalf. How could a father ever blame their kid for something like that?
“I can be an ear too,” Jere said suddenly, as he set his weights down with a clang. “Danny says I’m a good listener, so…”
“I’m distracted, aren’t I?” I sighed and considered if I wanted to talk to him about this or not. “How did you know Danny wasitfor you?”
He scrunched his face and shrugged. “I’ve always known.”
I nodded slowly, not exactly sure what he meant. You could know someone extremely well, care about them deeply, but that didn’t exactly mean they werethe one. Case in point, Gabriel and I. We got along great, enjoyed the same humor, butour different tastes–needs–set us apart in a major way that had ruled out a romantic future.
“That’s not very helpful, is it? I’m not good at this kind of stuff. Just talk about whatever you want to, and I’ll listen. I’m better at that.”
“It’s okay. I’m just conflicted about Matteo. Neither of us expected things to happen the way they have.” Admitting the truth out loud was a shocker. “He just came out of nowhere and turned everything on its head. I’m not sure what he expects from our relationship.”
He leaned into his knees. “Have you asked him? Sometimes people make it all complicated and shit when just a few blunt words can solve everything.”
I blinked at him as if he’d just solved all the world’s problems. “Jere, you are a genius.”
“Well, I don’t know about that.” He frowned and scratched his chin. “I sometimes think my brain doesn’t work like normal people. Danny says that’s a good thing because most normal people are idiots and me being honest all the time has its advantages.”
