“He’s right you know,” I said, casting him a tender smile. Danny was damned lucky to have a man like Jere unconditionally devoted to him.
“Of course he is. Danny is the genius, not me. He is the smartest person I know.”
“Agreed.”
We did some more sets, the beginning of a burn starting in my biceps. As we worked, I mulled over my thoughts. “It’s not necessarily that I don’t want to ask, but more along the lines of, I’m afraid of the answer.”
That contemplative look crossed his face for a long while and I knew he was churning the words in his mind. “Danny said he had a crush on me since we were kids. He never told mebecause he thought I couldn’t love him in that way. We lost years because he was too afraid to tell me.”
I set the barbell down and sighed, conceding his point. Reality hit me hard, like a fifty-pound disc to the face. He was right of course, and I offered him a half-smile. “I get it. I know what I need to do.”
“What’s that?”
“Decide if I want to spill my heart and take the chance of losing him, or just enjoy the time we have now for however long or short it might be.”
He furrowed his brows, and I knew that didn’t make sense to him.
I punched him in his solid arm. “Thanks for being an ear. And you’re pretty good at giving advice too.”
He gave me a rare smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling. We spent another hour in the gym, working various muscle groups and chatting lightly. He was excited to go on his Valentine’s Day date and talked endlessly about the gift he’d commissioned for Danny. We took a shower and went our separate ways.
When I left the gym, it was still light out, the winter sun sliding toward the west. I inhaled deeply, a blend of worry and hope swirling inside of me. I entertained fantasies of pouring my heart out to Matteo while he returned my feelings, and we lived happily ever after. But life was never that easy and rarely followed the path of romance novels.
My phone chimed and I quickly dug it out, only to find that it was from Gabriel.
GABE: Still alive?
Instead of responding to his text, I phoned him. When he answered, I said, “Are you being lazy today?”
“Client canceled, so just watching porn on mute in my office. Not all that fun. Haven’t heard from you in a while,” he said. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I’ve been distracted.”
“The good kind of distracted?”
“Oh, yeah, the best kind, but… Do you want to meet up for lunch sometime next week? Hang out and catch up? I’m developing a terrible habit of neglecting my friends and it needs to stop.”
“Yeah, a good distraction will do that to you,” he said with a knowing laugh. “Sure. Let’s meet up. I usually eat at Marco’s for lunch. Are you okay? You sound…conflicted.”
“I am very much conflicted. I’ll tell you about it next week. Sorry I’ve neglected you,” I said honestly, feeling like a shit friend lately.
He let out a sigh. “Don’t let it bother you. I treat you like you don't exist when Bev starts her shit again.”
“That’s different. It’s family stuff and important. Ignoring my friends for some ass makes me an ass.”
“That’s some deep and introspective, Buddhist shit there.”
“Maybe.” I failed to hold back my chuckle. “I’ve been doing a lot of introspective shit lately that I’ll tell you about next week.”
We hung up and I made my way to my apartment.
When I got home, it was unusually quiet, and Matteo was nowhere to be found. He’d left a note for me, taped to my bedroom door informing me he'd gone out and would be back in a few hours. It was fine by me because he needed to get out and if he needed anything, he had my work phone and the bus pass I’d given him.
Alone, I wasn’t sure what to do with myself, so I got comfortable in a pair of joggers and laid in bed. The lonelinessrushed back and smacked into me, reminding me that it hadn’t been far. Gathering the blankets in my arms, I buried my face in them, noting they smelled like him. Like us, mingled together. All the sleeping together had left his scent in my sheets, and it provoked all kinds of emotions.
I wanted to be one of the rare few, like my bosses who found true love and kept it.
It was dark by the time Matteo came home. He moved around my apartment for a few minutes before slipping into bed with me. He spooned me from behind and I wondered if we could do this for the rest of our lives.
