1. A Fond (and not permanent) Farewell
Goodbye for now
Ryan
I’d make a great mad scientist. The picture of me cackling maniacally as I mix vials of brightly colored, potentially deadly liquids is so clear in my head. I already have the scientist part down, so all I need to work on is being mad… some might say I already have that down too. Shut up, I say to these imaginary people. You’re just jealous. Huh, now I’m getting in a fight with people that don’t even exist, so yeah, I guess I do already have the mad part down.
I wouldn’t use my mad scientist powers for evil. Wouldn’t use them for good either, but definitely not for evil. Just for selfish reasons. Like cloning. One could argue that would be me using my powers for good because cloning humans would be a pretty cool scientific discovery, and I would humbly accept a Nobel Peace Prize and any other awards for my efforts. Except I wasn’t interested in academic discovery or the betterment of our species when it came to creating duplicates of myself. I just wanted to be in two places at once.
One me would go to Chicago and be a science genius while the other me would stay here in this stupid small town. Maybe I’m not selling where I live. It’s not the town that makes me want to stay; I just don’t want to miss a second of my boyfriend’s stupid attractive face. I’m leaving for two months and while I could wail about the indignities of leaving Luke behind or keep daydreaming about cloning, I could also enjoy every second we still have together.
We were in the barn on my family’s land. We had a barn now! Or like, 3/4s of one. There were walls and bales of hay, but the roof wasn’t complete yet. Luke Chambers lay stretched out on his back atop a hay bale while I sat next to him, trying to memorize his face. I took a million pictures, I didn’t actually need to count on my mind’s eye to remember what he looked like, so I guess I was just staring at him for fun.
And it was fun. Luke’s dirty blonde hair was still in its prime state, strands of yellow and gold coming together in one unfairly attractive picture, though he said by the time I got back his hair would be blonder from working out in the sun while his skin would be darker. Luke started working a week ago at a farm in town and his body hadn’t gotten used to all the manual labor and long hours yet. He had strong arms and tan skin and his beautiful green eyes were currently closed. I would complain, but the light of the moon bathed him in an ethereal glow, and I was content to sit and stare at him like a big creep.
For about two seconds.
“You are so incredibly boring,” I told my boyfriend’s peaceful face. I poked him in the cheek with a finger. I’m a delight and he’s totally going to miss me while I’m gone.
Luke cracked one eye open to glare at me. “Say it one more time but slower so I can really remember this moment and cherish it while you’re gone.”
Why was sass such a turn on? I felt the urge to be indignant and proud at the same time. Proudignant. No, not that. He could shed a few tears, cling to my not-so-strong arms and stroke my face delicately. I was leaving tomorrow, bright and early, shipping off to war and leaving my baby behind. Except not at all like that.
Still. He didn’t need to remind me. I pinched him.
“Ow, what the hell?” he hissed, pouting like a giant baby.
“We agreed we’d pinch each other whenever me leaving was brought up.” I savored the way his eyes looked in the moonlight and also savored his Ryan-is-annoying-me face. It was just about my favorite face of his.
Luke stared at me very seriously, eyes looking both sleepy and alert, and how did his eyes do that, maybe I should study that, but then he questioned, “Are you sure we decided that or did you decide that by yourself in your head?”
Well, the second one but that didn’t matter. “You’re still expected to abide by all the things I think and never tell you.” Duh, I decided that in my head without telling him too.
Luke stretched, and I enjoyed the view for a second before he sat up a bit to look at me. “No way, your mind is too scary a place for me to enter willingly.”
“Say that again but slower so I can remember it when I leave.” Actually, I would miss this part too. Sometimes we were sweet to each other, sometimes we teased, and all the times I enjoyed it.
Luke tried to pinch me and I grabbed his hands. “No, it’s only when you do it,” I informed him.
Being a baseball player and a farmhand, Luke had more strength than me the science nerd, so he used our joined hands to pull me closer to him. I leaned over him while he brought me towards his lips.
“I’m gonna miss you,” he told me softly.
I picked his lips gently. “Me too.” Was there a word for what I was feeling? Love, affection, wanting to go and learn, but also wanting to stay and be with Luke at the same time.
Leaving meant good things for my future. It was difficult when my boyfriend was so lovely and amazing, but him being so lovely and amazing meant we’d be able to survive two months apart. And I had to go to have moments like this where we were on the brink of saying goodbye and we gazed at each other wistfully, hearts bursting with love and fond feelings.
And also. Also…
Look, sitting here with him in a quiet, peaceful moment would be great. Highly unlikely but great. Luke and I were rock solid, as solid as his abs, which I had the urge to touch but my hands were still joined with his. Our relationship was better than ever and that was amazing. If there was a time we could handle distance, it was now when we were at our best.
Only then there would be distance. Nothing was going to go wrong! Probably. Hopefully. But it could. And the not knowing might be something that wouldn’t bother some people who were mature and confident and who knew that you couldn’t control everything and change happened and blah blah blah. I didn’t know because I wasn’t one of those people.
I leaned back a bit, unlinking one hand so I could support myself and sit up while the other stayed connected to his. “Should we freak out now?” I wondered. There wasn’t a lot of other time to devote to that activity. We should have penciled it in earlier. But we were just sitting here because Luke was too tired to do much else, and if he couldn’t summon the requisite panic, I would shoulder that burden for him.
“That’s one option,” he nodded. He smiled at me fondly, dimples showing. Oh dimples, I think I’ll miss you most of all. “We could also not and say we did.”
“Or counteroffer,” I spoke without missing a beat. “We do freak out and then don’t say we did.” Our friends already had enough reasons to make fun of us.
