4. Our Problems vs. Other People’s Problems
Let’s focus on the second one.
Ryan
My life in Chicago had gotten off to an interesting start. This summer program was about learning and science and whatever, it wasn’t a competition… but if it was, I was totally winning.My friend Morgan Turner and I were at the top of the class. Morgan was genderqueer—agender to be specific—but that wasn’t why we were friends. We got along because kicking ass was more fun when having someone to enjoy it with.
Being awesome and winning this not-competition competition was the bright side. The downside? I was excelling here because I was basically throwing myself into work, not giving myself time to do anything else, so I wouldn’t sit around and worry about my relationship. At least I was managing to not freak out, which greatly surprised me, but in a good way.
Me and Luke didn’t speak for a little while mouth to mouth but we texted. We were both regrouping. We had to speak eventually. We were trying this thing where we were in a healthy relationship, which probably involved conversation.
Yet I wasn’t quite ready when he did call. I had to face this eventually. I had to answer. I liked my boyfriend. I had to remind myself of that. Sure, things would be awkward. More awkward than things had ever been, which was saying a lot since our relationship already had a lot of embarrassing and awkward moments. Still, this was a new level. A scary level and—
The phone kept ringing. Right. I had to answer that.
I did. I answered the phone. Hey, way to go me! I was so surprised and pleased at myself that maybe I forgot what came next. Because instead of saying hi, I made a high-pitched noise and hung up. So… Not my finest moment. My roommate Jeremey even turned around from his desk to give me a look—of course I had to get the biggest, scariest guy here as my roommate—so I made a quick exit when Luke called back.
I stood in the hall and answered the phone again. I didn’t say anything that time. I didn’t have to. “Dude,” Luke opened with instead. This should not be a place of judgement. It should be a safe place! Okay, I was judging me too for panicking and hanging up.
“Technical difficulties?” I offered weakly in explanation.
“You can’t say that every time,” Luke said. What? When had I- oh, I hadn’t actually pleaded technical difficulties, but he was making a joke about our terrible attempt to get closer. Who told him that was okay?
“Hey!” I said. Any jokes on the subject right now might seem too much like laughing at me rather than laughing with me. If I wasn’t laughing, it was hard to laugh with me. I paced around in the hall.
“Just trying to make a joke,” he offered brightly but a little tensely. Jokes and sarcasm were my defense mechanisms, not his.
“Stick to your strong suits,” I advised him and now I was judging both him and me and wasn’t this supposed to be a safe place?
Just when you thought it was safe to get back in the water, there was Ryan with his sharp teeth of judgment... If I was a shark, I could swim away from this situation. Also, all-you-can-eat seafood.
Luke sighed. “Ryan, we have to talk.” He sounded determined but like he wasn’t looking forward to it either.
“I know.” On the other hand… “But how about we don’t talk? Think that would work just as well.”
I probably didn’t want to have this conversation out in the hall, so I went back into my room. Scary roommate would have to deal with it and hopefully not kill me.
“No, it’s not us we have to talk about right now,” Luke told me. There was a god! Don’t know if that was an upside or downside because now that I knew a higher power existed, we were in a fight. Why couldn’t he have helped Luke and I have a sexier time?
…
That probably wasn’t god’s job, according to most religions.
“There’s something else we need to be talking about?” I asked hopefully. Hallelujah, a reprieve. I was new to this faith thing, was that the right time to use Hallelujah? The only experience I had with the word was the drag queen who said it all the time.
“Eventually, we do have to talk about that.” There was no god again. Now who did I blame for this problem? “But not right now. I’m kinda freaking out here.”
“You said it wasn’t about—” I rushed, voice sounding a bit screechy.
“It’s not. Well, not about our sex.” Male. No, the other kind. Terrible! No. Yes, but no, don’t want to think about that. “Someone else’s.”
“Wait, which kind? The gender kind or—” I hesitated, trying to figure out how to say it.
“The kind you and I are bad at?” Luke filled in. I wanted to reach through the phone and smack him.
“Oh my god.” So not helping.
“I’m going to keep going,” Luke informed me. At least he was helping out, taking on the responsibility to make things more awkward; that was usually my job. “It will be funny eventually,” he insisted.
