“Thank you, but I need to ask just one more thing of you.” I didn’t give him time to say no. “If anyone holds the sexual secrets of the universe in them and knows how to unlock the mess of what’s going on with me and Luke, it’s you.”
“No,” he said holding up a hand. “I already had to deal with this from Luke.” He turned to face me now, looking a little worried. “Oh god, did you know about that? If you weren’t supposed to, then I didn’t tell you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, we both decided being totally mortified was worth the potential benefits but me going to Lydia and Alicia really wasn’t helpful. You’re the only one with experience.” I started texting them but they had their own problems, and we never really got around to discussing mine.
“What one person likes might not be what you and Luke like,” Zach told me in a bored voice. “It’s not universal.”
“Yeah, yeah. We’re all special snowflakes and exploring our changing bodies is a journey we take together, but seriously, we are in such trouble. There has to be some tips, some tricks to help.” Wait, I needed to be more specific. “Keep in mind I have no flexibility, zero coordination, and I would probably be really terrible at roleplay even if I have this one fantasy where—”
“Stop,” Zach interrupted. “I’m curious but also terrified to know more.” He thought about it. “No, I don’t want to know,” he decided. “And I also don’t want to hear you go on about your made-up problems.”
This was worth the effort of moving. I sat up so that I could properly glare at Zach. “It’s not made up.” Luke and I were basically on the brink of disaster. “Everything is going wrong. How is that not real?”
Zach gave an extremely dramatic sigh, like spelling out the boring problems of mere mortals was something those on his supreme level of being shouldn’t have to do. “Everything is going wrong but it sounds like you’re doing everything right.”
Yeah, that had been what I was afraid of. “So that’s it then? We’re getting the wrong results even though we’re on the right track, so we’ve got no chance?” I wanted some hope to cling onto, not the final nail in the coffin.
Now, Zach looked annoyed. “Ryan, that’s not it at all.” He sighed again and I begged my eyes not to roll because I did want to hear what he had to say. “Look, not only did both of you go to other people to get advice, even though its super uncomfortable, you’ve both been talking to each other every step of the way.”
“That was super uncomfortable too,” I grumbled. Were there extra credit points we could receive for that?
“Even if you’re not physically together,” Zach continued. “You’re both still around. Complaining, worrying, wondering. It seems pretty clear you’re both present and invested. Maybe it’s not good right now. That doesn’t mean it won’t ever be. You’re both taking it seriously. You’re both trying.” He shrugged. “I don’t see what else there is to do but keep trying.”
“But—" I wanted some hope, but could I trust it?
“Things happen. As long as you’re both committed, you shouldn’t have to worry when there’s problems because no one’s going anywhere so you can focus on figuring them out.”
That’s… that was good news. I didn’t get a Hail Mary play, or maybe I did, but there was no solution because we didn’t need a solution? We were actually doing everything right? Except the hopeless despair, that was probably not right. But the reason I was so sad was because I wanted to hold onto Luke. I wanted things to work.
The intimacy between us was new. It didn’t go great, so we freaked out. We were too busy wondering if that meant something bad, too afraid thinking this could mean the end, that we didn’t notice all the stuff that was going well. That we were communicating with each other, even when it got difficult, that we both cared, that we both wanted it to work.
And since we were doing all the right things and getting the wrong result, that just meant our work wasn’t finished yet. We were in the middle of the experiment, not the end, and we just needed to keep going.
“Huh,” I said eventually. “Sorry for bothering you about all this.” I wasn’t sorry at all, since his words helped me see things in a new perspective but that seemed like the thing to say.
“I have to complain on principal but I almost liked it,” Zach told me, looking proud. Well, he always looked kind of proud, like just his presence was something to be celebrated. “Being the person people go to for sex questions, I could be okay with that.” He sent me a wry look. “It really ruined things when you said you went to the girls too.”
At least we didn’t go to Joey? No, that would not make him feel better. “Only because we figured you wouldn’t want both of us pestering you.” He helped me, so I could try placating his ego.
“Nice save.”
“No really.”
We did both want to send him about 90 million questions, concerns, and thoughts, but Luke said it would be better if just he talked to Zach. And as Zach’s prime concern when coming to meet me today was that I never relied on him for help again, I agreed that probably wouldn’t have gone over well.
Zach nodded in appreciation. “Thanks for knowing what I’m about.” We sat in companionable silence for a moment. “Are we done now?” Zach questioned. A second later he realized he didn’t care about my answer and just got up and left.
I stayed where I was, but I was no longer in a depressed heap. I was in a contemplative heap instead. Or maybe in no heap at all.
Luke and I had two modes. Not talking even though we should and making everything a million times worse or having a terrible idea disguised as a great idea and making everything a million times worse. We hadn’t done either of those things this time.
We were finally learning. We didn’t ignore the problem, we didn’t come up with a crazy scheme. We both agreed we had to keep talking. Even if it would be terrible and awkward, we were both committed.
Go us.
Being able to handle this wasn’t just something we were saying. We really could.
* * *
