I wrote a message to Luke on the plane ride back to Chicago.
I got stuck on the opener for a minute, writing ‘Luke,’ then backspacing it. He knew his name was Luke. Probably. That was too plain. I tried ‘Genius,’ then backspaced. Not right for the moment. Luke L. Chambers? Too formal. Boo? He hated that. No. I would come back to that.
Your name here (I haven’t decided the right way to address you yet!) Boo, I put in tentatively next to that. Then, RYAN, remember to change this part!!! Remember to change that, I instructed and reminded myself firmly.
… Did the guy next to me just glance over at my screen? It seemed like he did as I wrote myself that note, like he looked over and read a few words, then his eyes moved away for a moment, before coming back to my computer and deciding he wanted to read what I wrote. This wasn’t a very long flight; he could surely mind his own business for an hour or so. Maybe he was trying to look out the window?
No, I focused on what I wanted to say.
I have a busy schedule. A bright academic future. And yet I find the time to make a romantic gesture and come visit you. Figures you would ruin it by not even being here because you got it in your dumb head to surprise me.
The good thing about a message was that it wasn’t a conversation and no one could argue with me, but I did admit, Yes, we did the exact same thing. It’s awesome when it comes to me, dumb when it comes to you. Deal with it.
Was that too harsh? I meant it. Luke and I had been really trying with the communication but we just weren’t in sync yet, so I wanted to tell him what I was thinking about as I headed back to Chicago. My window seat was nice, but the guy next me totally was reading this. He kept trying to look at my screen while I typed, so I plastered myself to the wall and tried to compose my feelings in privacy.
Deal with it, I wrote again for good measure.
No, seriously.
Deal with it.
Deal with me.
Don’t give up. I don’t want to give up.
The guy next to me made a sniffling noise when I wrote that but then made a show of being very into the airline magazine when I looked over at him. At least he liked my message? It mattered more what Luke thought, but I guess that was a good sign it impacted this random person, and also who said women were gossipy, because dudes could be just as bad.
Twisting a bit in my chair, I tried to protect my laptop and kept writing. We’re so different. Yet sometimes we think alike. Sometimes it’s like we’re so in sync, but I guess we’re not. We don’t start out that way. We start in wildly different places and come together. So, there’s nothing to worry about. We’re not on the same page yet but this isn’t the end, it’s the middle, and we’ll figure things out. Because we want to.
And I’m Ryan, so never in the history of the universe had I said so little in a conversation whether over email or texting or with words, but I stopped myself from saying more immediately. I wanted to get right to the point. I loved him and wanted to be with him and I shouldn’t say anything else but that.
Also, the position I’d twisted into wasn’t comfortable. I sighed, sat in my seat normally, and lowered my screen a bit while I wasn’t writing anything. The guy made an impatient noise, like he wanted to see how it ended. Did I have anything more to write?
Hmm. I hadn’t even been sure about leaving during the summer. So glad I did. Yeah, this stumbling block with Luke was awful, but maybe we needed something like this. We needed to figure it out. How were we going to deal with college if we couldn’t even handle this? I wasn’t quite ready to think about college yet though.
That wasn’t even what I meant anyway. Just being here, having all of this even when my relationship with Luke went all weird and scary? It was an important reminder. I was my own person before Luke and I would be even after him. Not that I wanted there to be an after him. It’s just.
Living in a small-ish town wasn’t just about your location. It impacted how you looked at things. There was all kind of stuff out there on the internet, but it was distant. Living in a small town made everything else seem small too. I understood there had to be more, I hoped there would be more, but actually seeing it? That was something else.
Chicago was in the Midwest, but it was huge and vibrant and bustling. People there bustled. There was a freaking subway, and I got lost on it at least eight times. I went to so many art museums on the weekends just because Chicago had a lot of them and I managed not to touch anything I wasn’t supposed to touch! I went to a soccer game just for the experience and it didn’t totally suck. The Chicago Bean did suck, why was it even a thing, but I still had like 90 pictures of me and Morgan being stupid in its reflection.
Basically, the world was bigger than me and Luke. The world was bigger than Luke. I wanted him in my world, but I liked the reminder that there was so much more to life. That there was so much more to me.
I put my screen up and added something to the message.
My favorite thing about my summer program is that it’s awesome and I’m doing great at it, so I’m super awesome. The guy next to me made a noise, like he didn’t approve of this edition. I rolled my eyes. I really love it in Chicago, but I don’t have to be sad when the summer ends because I get to come back to you. The guy next to me made a pleased sound. Guess I fixed the part he didn’t like.
I didn’t know how to address you and I don’t know how to sign this, do I need to? You know my email address. And who was I kidding, I totally wasn’t going to change the beginning. The guy groaned next to me but oh well. Love Ryan or whatever. Obviously. No one else better be sending you such thoughtful and romantic love letters, Luke!
Had I said I was going to keep this brief and not get carried away? That had been nice while it lasted. I was so about to get carried away. I—
“BOO IS A GUY?” My plane neighbor wondered out loud. He didn’t seem disgusted, just like it hadn’t been what he expected and now he was confused but maybe ready to mind his own business.
I sent the message, smiled, and looked out my window. Yeah, that was a solid stopping point.
* * *
Luke
