On my way back home, I sent Ryan a voicemail, phone on speaker and resting on my thigh while I drove with both hands on the wheel like a responsible person. There were lessons and wisdom and encouragement I wanted to send to him, things he needed to know, but I found myself just talking. That was okay too though.
For all he was a chatterbox, Ryan was also really easy to talk to, even when he wasn’t there. At least for me. Maybe because I always wanted to talk to him, even if I didn’t always know what to say. He was better at telling me all his thoughts than I was with him, but I wanted to tell him all my thoughts, so I tried while I drove.
“I miss you,” I started with. “I didn’t want to say it too much because I didn’t want to make you feel bad for being gone. Maybe it’s a good reminder when the distance and things get difficult that it’s all worth it because I miss you and like having you around.” Talking for so long without being interrupted by Ryan was weird. “Even though I’m totally glad you’re doing your science thing, I still miss you.”
The road was quiet, peaceful. Just me and the occasional other late-night traveler or semi-truck driving too fast and leaving me in the dust.
“These days,” I continued. “My life all about relationships.” It was so weird. “It’s so weird.” Well it was. “Especially since things with us have gotten… whatever they’ve gotten, but all people wanna talk to me about is who they’re dating. Like even your dad.”
Ryan was making progress on accepting his dad dating again but maybe this wasn’t the greatest topic. Oh well, it was what I was thinking about. Mr. Miller brought her up at work a lot.
“Pretty sure your father is brilliant actually,” I mused. “He knows that if I like his girlfriend, that’s the best way to get you to like her because you can’t resist me.”
I paused as I switched lanes and took an exit, then kept going. “And before you instinctively protest that, consider this: One, you so can’t resist me. Don’t even try.”
I wasn’t trying to be cocky but sometimes when we said I love you, I said, I love you, Ryan and he said, I love you, dimples. Like not as a pet name, pretty sure he was just talking to my actual dimples.
“And two, you did come back home to visit me.” He so couldn’t resist me. And I came to visit him, so obviously it was mutual. “Not saying it’s your fault,” I added quickly. “But take a moment and think about the situation.”
I paused, to give him said moment.
“Us both trying to visit each other at the same time? Totally something we would do.” Totally. “And if either of us were going to catch that, you’re the one who understands,” I drew a blank. “I don’t know, foreshadowing or irony or whatever this is. You understand it more than me, so you should have caught that.”
Oh, wait. “And yes, I know foreshadowing is a literary term and not how to do makeup on someone’s forehead.” I was leaving him a message, so he couldn’t talk back in real time, but that didn’t mean I was safe. “I made that mistake one time and I’d been drinking.” I glared at the road in front of me while I protested. “How was I supposed to know you and Zach were actually talking about homework and not that stupid drag queen show you watch?”
That show sucked. Wait, that wasn’t the point. “That show sucks,” I said. Wait again. “None of this is the point. I mean, it is. We’re the point. It’s just, everyone is suddenly coming to me with relationship stuff. Lydia, Alicia.” I already had two best friends, so while I didn’t mind being the fill-in for Ryan while he was gone, it was still a lot.
“Lydia and Zach are pretty self-sufficient,” I continued. Usually. “But there’s always that chance they’re going to kill someone and then I’ll be that phone call they make to help them cover it up, because let’s be real, they can’t call each other.” If only. “They’d sell the other out in a heartbeat, so I’ve got to fill in even though I’m not the best choice for murder and murder cover ups, but I still want to do a good job.”
Being the cleanup guy was a big responsibility. Also, it was good nobody in the occasional vehicles on the road could hear me.
I was totally doing a Ryan thing where I was just idly thinking stuff while driving but also saying it too. Crazy.
Hey, speaking of Zach. “And even Zach is sharing his love life with me recently.” It had been really surprising. “It’s not bad, I just don’t know why. Maybe he’s trying to gloat, that seems likely, but I’d expect a little more smugness. Or he’s giving me tips, which seems less likely but maybe. Or he’s just acting like an actual human friend and telling me stuff.” I frowned. “Also unlikely but plausible I guess.” Maybe just surprising the hell out of me was the point?
He event sent me some risqué pics he took of himself—even though I had done that on accident!—but he apparently thought that was something we did now. I didn’t know how to make it stop. Was he my most annoying friend? I didn’t even know.
I told Ryan about another stupid friend’s antics next. “Joey is falling in love with every girl at the pool who wears a bikini and then counting on me to set him up with them.” His three conversational topics were baseball, cars, and Megan Fox, so it wasn’t going well. Maybe lifting weights but that was more just a way of life than something he could verbalize.
“Basically, relationships,” I summed up. “Everyone is telling me about them. Why? Most of our friends are assholes,” That sounded off topic, but it wasn’t. “They’re giving me a lot of shit about this thing with you and me.” Which made it even weirder they were coming to me. “They know all about the embarrassing personal problems I’m having and they’re still there trusting me about relationships.”
I have my own problems. They know about said problems. Why trust me when they know about said problems? “Maybe they know what I know,” I continued. What I know now. “That we’re going to get through it. Because we’re all stable and disgusting now.”
Which was great, because something just occurred to me.
“Dammit, this is a voicemail.” Duh. “You didn’t know I don’t like that drag queen show you watch all the time and make me watch cause I pretend I don’t hate it for your sake… I kind of hate it.” Good thing we were committed to honesty.
And also, “I would just erase this message, but I’m committed to it even if it’s not great. I just think you need to know what I’m thinking, some of my thoughts. We’re worried about this big thing and we haven’t been sharing some of the other stuff about our lives, when we should be we should be sharing all of it.”
“I don’t even totally hate being a relationship expert that everyone comes to. Which, what?” I was an expert! And this wasn’t even baseball we were talking about. “I’m an expert on so few things. I’m not even sure I am an expert when it comes to you but maybe I am. Or I will be. Because I heard this definition that says you need 10,000 hours of devoting yourself to something to be an expert in the subject. I don’t know if I’ve logged that many hours yet. If I haven’t, I will. I’m determined.”
I probably needed to get out of the car soon, stretch my legs and get gas, but I could drive a little farther.
“Maybe I won’t always get things right,” I told Ryan. “Neither will you. Together we’ll screw up even more. But I think you’re willing to put the time in too. So, we will be fine. We’ll get there.”
It was only a matter of time.
