“I do,” Grey said. “Because I know it hurt you to play these stupid games. I wanted to be near you but refused to tell you my secret. I couldn’t stay away, even though, realistically, it didn’t make sense to pursue anyone until I graduated and left this school.”
My cheeks warmed at his words. “I think we both failed epically at trying to stay away from one another.”
Grey smiled. “That’s fair. But even as we got closer, I couldn’t bring myself to tell you…”
“Why not?” I asked. It wasn’t harsh or demanding, simply curiosity.
“Because what if you decided you weren’t into me next week? Then, not only would I be hurt from losing you, but there’d be someone out there with zero incentive to keep my secret.”
Laughter erupted from my chest. “I’m sorry,” I said once I caught my breath. “In what world would I decide I wasn’t into you?” When Grey didn’t join in on my laughter, I calmed down. “Seriously though, even if we stopped talking tomorrow, you have to know I’dneverbetray your trust like that.”
He looked to his lap again. “I know,” he said quietly. “I’ve known it for a while, but it didn’t replace my fears. I thought half telling you at the wedding would be enough, but…” Grey leanedforward then, burying his head in my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Ethan. Sorry for not being able to trust you sooner.”
“It’s okay.” Now that I knew everything, it was. Everything made sense now—his sometimes-flippant regard for his relationship in trying to get closer to me, his apprehension at sharing the truth, even the way Carina had acted last night. It all made perfect sense. “The most frustrating part was not knowing.”
“Thank you,” he said, his voice muffled by my shirt.
“What now?” I asked. Because knowing the information was only one piece of the issue.Will he continue “dating” Carina? Will he replace her with me in public? Do I want to be his publicly? Wait—are we going to start dating?
My pulse raced, a sudden boost of adrenaline slamming into my system. For so long, I’d been focused on him having a girlfriend and being drawn to him in spite of that fact. Now that I knew the truth, I could see a potential path forward for us. The prospect of a potentialfutureto look forward to both excited and terrified me.
Grey’s shoulders heaved as he took a deep breath. “I don’t know,” he admitted, sitting up. “I don’t know what to do next. I mean… what do you want?”
I hesitated, stumped.What the hell do I want?I didn’t know, which was kind of funny because if he’d asked me at the beginning of the semester, I would’ve had a bulleted list. Now, with all the turmoil and uncertainty that Grey had brought into my life, I found the question impossible to answer. “I don’t know,” I finally said.
“Well,” he said slowly, “what if we take a rain check on deciding what happens next. Christmas break starts next week. Let’s talk after we get back.”
My jaw went slack at his words. Christmas break was starting next week.How have I not realized it was so close?Timeseemed to become elastic when I was with Grey—slowing down and stretching then jolting forward again. It was disorienting and made keeping track of important dates—like major federal holidays, for example—difficult to downright impossible.
“Yeah,” I said, surprised by my own breathlessness. “After Christmas sounds good.”
He gave me a soft smile. “Let’s enjoy our day. We don’t have to make any decisions until then. Deal?”
“Deal.”
Chapter 24
Christmas Break
It turned out that we didn’t get to spend much time enjoying our day together. Shortly after we finished our coffees, I received a call from my mom.
“Hello?” I said, confused.
“Hello, son,” she said dryly. “Did you forget we were coming to pick you up?”
The blood drained from my face. It was Saturday. They always came to pick me up the Saturday after finals. I’d been too distracted by Grey to remember something so simple.
“Um… maybe,” I said. “To be fair, you could have called me. Or texted. Or emailed.”
“Yes, well, I know how you like to maintain your independence when at school,” Mom said wistfully.
I rolled my eyes. She’d totally forgotten to remind me. It was one thing we shared—being so in our heads that wethoughtwe’d had a conversation with the other, but in reality we’d done no such thing.
“How far away are you?” I asked.
“Oh, we’re here already,” Mom said. “We’re just getting coffee at the cutest little shop on campus.”
“You and Dad?”
