“That’s the neat part. They don’t,” Kellan said. “You should see some of the unhinged shit that goes down on the apps the moment you switch it to looking for men.”
I lifted my head so Kellan could see the quizzical expression on my face. “You’ve looked for guys on apps?”
“What can I say? I’m a man of many tastes,” Kellan said, and Josh scoffed. “I told you I’ve dated a guy before, and this is what shocks you?”
“Well, yeah,” Josh said. “It’s one thing to have a guy happen to you like with Ethan…”
“And another thing completely to golookingfor this shit,” I finished for him. “Wait what’s your type?”
“AmIyour type?” Josh teased.
“I don’t know,” Kellan said, taking the question entirely too seriously. “Face, yeah, but I’d need to see some nudes to know for—hey!” He yelped the last word as Josh launched a pillow at his head.
“I guess if you’re looking for motivation to put up with what you’re going through,” Josh said, “if you stick it out, you’ll never have to deal with Grindr.”
I laughed in spite of myself.
With the semestercoming to an end and finals on the horizon, I often had plenty to distract me from boy problems, but that didn’t stop my mind from wandering at inopportune times. I would find myself zoning out in the middle of important lectures, thinking over the situation I’d found myself in with Grey and worrying about the band. Martin’s arrival had brought on so much extra worry. From not seeing Grey as much to now having to closet myself, one thing was for sure: I hated Martin with a burning passion I hadn’t known I was capable of before. I also couldn’t help but notice that I’d had much less to worry about when I’d only been involved with girls.
Meanwhile, the opportunities for Dreamscape were rolling in—which selfishly sucked because that meant Martin was professionally worth all the trouble, even if I felt personally betrayed. The band had been featured in several articles and websites over the past few months, being positioned as the “next hot thing” in indie music. Some radio stations were now playing Dreamscape. And apparently, record labels were circling, but Martin had them holding off until the right offer came through.
As time went on, I began to feel increasingly resentful about my forced closeting.What right did Martin have to demand this of us? Is it even legal?I would stay up late, tossing and turning, fuming over everything. As happy as I was for Grey and the band, I had to admit that I didn’t feel very happy about us. I wanted to talk to Grey about it, but that felt like a dick move.What kind of boyfriend would I be if I demanded that he show me public displays of affection at the risk of greater opportunities for his band?I had to learn to accept this and hope that someday down the road, the restrictions would ease. I could do this. Really, I could. I just needed to be patient.
About a week before finals, Grey and I were walking back to my place after dinner with the band. It was the first night in a while that we’d managed to plan a sleepover, and it had been the only thing that had gotten me through the tough week of coursework. The night had been the best I’d had in a while with everyone participating in good conversation that was almost enough to make me forget my troubles. It was the most normal I’d felt in weeks.
“I had a really great night,” I said as we meandered across campus. My apartment might’ve been our destination, but neither of us felt much sense of urgency to get there. The night air was finally warmer, as it was mid-May, and a chorus of insects sang from every shrub, tree, and tuft of grass in the landscape.
“Me too,” he said. “It’s been too long.”
I must have let my guard down because, in an unusually impulsive move, I reached for his hand without thinking about it. He tensed the moment our skin touched, and I came crashing back down to Earth. Of course we couldn’t hold hands on a cute, romantic walk.We wouldn’t want to ruin things with the band, would we?
But when I glanced around, no one was there. And more importantly, neither were the cameras. We could get away with this even if it was only for a few stolen moments. Apparently, Grey didn’t think so, because he only lasted ten seconds before pulling his hand away from mine.
I stopped in my tracks. My heart raced with a jolt of anger-fueled adrenaline as every good feeling was seared from my body. “Why did you do that?” I asked, carefully keeping my voice even as I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I was wrong about his move. Maybe he’d had an itch that he needed to address and he wasn’t being jumpy because ofthe bandorMartinor any other infuriating bullshit.
Grey stopped to face me, he looked adorably abashed, but I refused to let that distract me from the issue at hand.
“Do what?” he asked.
I was pretty sure I’d never been mad at Grey—I’d been annoyed a few times, sure—but I was one hundred percent certain I’d never been this infuriated with him. I wouldnotallow him to play dumb with me. Weeks of dealing with our new set of rules had left me with no patience to spare. “Why did you pull your hand away from me?”
He tensed in the light from the nearby streetlamp. A gentle wind rustled the leaves in the intervening silence. I could feel him steeling himself, and it made me want to scream.
“We’re in public,” he began. “I didn’t want to—”
“Didn’t want to risk us getting caught on camera,” I finished for him then gestured to our blatantly empty section of concrete. “Unless there’s paparazzi hiding in the bushes, I think we’re good.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “ I know asking you to keep things discreet has been awkward.”
“No, it hasn’t been awkward,” I said flatly. “It’s been isolating. I’ve never, in my life, been with someone I couldn’t show affection for whenever I wanted to. It’s like I only get to love you under certain conditions. I feel like I’m your dirty secret.” Then I said the thing I had promised myself I would never, ever say, no matter how many times I screamed it in my head. “It feels like you’re in a relationship with the band more than you are with me.”
The wind carried a plastic bag past us to get caught on a fence. Somewhere in the distance, a dog barked. Grey remained silent as my words did what I’d intended them to do—hurt him.
“It’s just a really stressful time right now with everything finally starting for the band.” He brushed a windswept bang out of his face.
I hadn’t realized it until now, but he looked incredibly tired. Bags that I’d somehow missed hung under his eyes, and his normally flawless skin looked tight and dehydrated. I felt an instant pang of remorse that told me to hug him and comfort him and not do anything to add to his exhaustion. I didn’t do that. Because we weren’t allowed to hug in public anymore.
“When will things be less stressful than they are now?” I asked.
