“What?”
“I mean, can you give me an idea of when I’ll be able to touch you without us having to worry about pictures or people or any of it?” I asked. “I genuinely want to know. Because what happens when you’re on tour or have record deals to lose or are on pageone of some tabloid? The more you get, the more you have to lose. Where does that leave me, other than someone you fuck but you can’t take out in public?”
He looked at the ground, the muscle in his jaw working. “I—I don’t have an answer for you. I hate that it has to be this way. I hate that I can’t touch you unless we’re sure no one’s around. I hate that I could lose the deal with Martin. What I hate most is that you’re right. It might only get worse with more eyes on me. And I don’t know what to do about that.”
I didn’t have an answer. I couldn’t very well tell him to give Martin the middle finger and then live his life with the consequences. The cost was too high for that.
“Ethan,” he said, “I do love you. So much. But I also have to think about the band.”
The wind turned from a breeze to a gust in that moment, ripping at my shirt as I stood there feeling like the world’s biggest idiot. “You know, I didn’t even think about guys before you,” I said. “But when you came into my life, I changed so many ideas I had about the future to fit you into it. I came out to my friends without hesitation—hell, I even told my parents about you without a second thought. I get that this is different, and I can’t ask you to choose me, but…” I looked away, unable to meet his gaze while I said the next words. “Sometimes, I wish you had just left me alone. Then I might never have known what it was like to fall in love with you.”
I turned to walk away—not that I was particularly certain of where I would go since we were already on the way to my apartment. I just knew I needed to get as far from Grey as possible. I’d thought that if I ever got to the point of this conversation, I would be screaming or crying or some dramatic scene. But I didn’t have the energy left to yell.
“Wait, Ethan.” Grey’s hand closed around my wrist.
I smiled darkly at his hand. So, that was what it took to get him to touch me in public. “For what?”
“Let’s talk about this. There must be something I can do to fix this.”
“Grey, unless you’re willing to throw away everything you and the band have worked for, then there’s really not much more to say,” I told him. “I can’t give you what you need, and I can’t ask you to give me what I need. It’s for the best if we call it quits now. We’re over.”
Eyes going wide, Grey let go of me in shock. I wavered at the sight but forced myself to walk away. I’d thought heartbreak was a metaphor, but I could swear I felt something physically crack in my chest. Tears sprang to my eyes as my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.
Chapter 36
After Grey
The next day, Grey tried to call me. Then he tried to text me. Then he messaged Kellan and Josh on Instagram to have them come pester me. Thankfully, they didn’t barge into my room—which was probably what Grey was hoping for. They waited until I found my way into the kitchen in search of snacks or liquor. I hadn’t really made up my mind which would be the preferable find.
“Everything all right with you and Grey?” Josh asked from behind the stack of books and a pile of color-coded notes he was reviewing in preparation for finals.
“He messaged us on Instagram asking that you call him back,” Kellan said from a much-less-studious perch on the couch while he played his PlayStation.
“Sure, yeah, things are great,” I said with only a drop of sarcasm. I wasn’t in the mood to get into it with them.
Opening the freezer, I found it stocked with a half a gallon of ice cream and a bottle of rum. I went for the ice cream to find it empty except for an amount so tiny I doubted it would even be a spoonful. “Seriously, guys? I thought we talked about not being snack teases.” I threw the container in the general direction ofthe trash can—somehow making it in—and snatched the rum instead.
“Because rum for breakfast is usually an indicator that life is going well,” Josh said.
I made a bratty face at him, flicking the lid in his direction before taking a swig. My eyes watered as liquid fire shot down my throat.Fuck it, I might as well tell them.“I ended things with Grey last night.”
Thatwas enough to make both roommates stop everything. Kellan dropped his controller in surprise, and Josh carefully set down his red pen.
“What happened?” Kellan asked, turning to look over the back of the couch and leaving his teammates to be slaughtered in the game he’d been playing on the screen behind him.
“I just couldn’t do the discreet thing anymore.” I took another swig of rum then put the bottle back in the freezer. I didn’t know where the lid had gone, so I set it upright and hoped it wouldn’t spill.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Josh asked.
“Not really,” I replied. Then I proceeded to give them a play-by-play of the previous night’s conversation, from how it had started with Grey pulling away to me realizing I couldn’t take it any longer.
My roommates were silent as I described it all.
“I don’t know,” I said after I finished my story. “Was I being too harsh?”
They both shook their heads before the sentence had even finished leaving my lips.
“Absolutely not,” Josh said.
