Why the messenger?
The questions had played on my mind all night, and before I knew it the first appearance of sunlight coloured the horizon. I was exhausted.
Beth drove us to Ueno Park at lunchtime. It was one of Tokyo’s largest public parks. It was a distraction, but I couldn’t shake her. We’d ventured inside Tokyo’s National Museum and cast our eyes upon the famous Shinobazu Pond, which during the summer months was covered in pink lotus flowers. Coupled with the hundreds of blossom trees, it was an aesthetically pleasing experience. The scenery made for a few nice Instagram worthy photos. I sent a quick snap to Paula. She replied with a middle finger emoji, followed by heart eyes. Typical.
We arrived back at Beth’s apartment four hours later, and the panic set in. My fingers began to tingle. My stomach churned, and I felt absent from my body.
“What do I do?” Iasked Beth.
“We’ve gone over this, Hol.” She was sprawled across the sofa with her feet up against the wall and her hips elevated by the countless scatter cushions. It was the same relaxed lounging position she favoured at university. The kind of position you take if you’re trying to fall pregnant, except she’d already done that.
“I know. But she said, ‘I’ll be at Chaos Kitchen at seven’. What does thateven mean?”
I reached into the freezer for an ice pack to cool my body, which currently felt like the bonnet of a black car in the height of summer.
“Is that an invitation? Is it just a statement? Is she letting me know that’s where she’ll be so I can avoid it? Does she want to see me? Why get some random guy to tell me that? Why didn’t she come and speak tome herself?”
I ran the ice pack across my forehead, down my arms, and onto my chest; it was freezing cold, but the shock helped me focus.
“You’ll have to ask her all those things when you see her,”Beth huffed.
She half-rolled back out of her position and marched over to the kitchen island. She pulled the chair out from underneath the breakfast bar and gestured for me to sit. I did asI was told.
“Turn around.” I spun to sit with my back to her, and she softly released my hair from my high ponytail. I had it off my neck for a reason, but I refrained from commenting. I liked it when Beth played with my hair; it calmed me. She gently tugged at the ends with her fingers to loosen any knots.
“I shouldn’t see her, should I? It’s written all over your face.” I sighed.
“Holly, nothing I say is going to change your mind. You know you’re going to see her. From there you can make up your mind, but...”
I let my head roll back to look at Beth, but she pushed it forwards and continued to tend to my hair. It felt like she was plaiting it, which was something we used to do throughout university. Whenever either one of us felt stressed or anxious, we would plait each other’s hair. It was still justas relaxing.
“But what?” I asked.
“Ask yourself why? Why are you going to go? What are your expectations? You need to be carefulwith those.”
“I don’t have expectations.”
“Do you know why?” Her voice was calm and soothing.
“Ow.” My head jerked backwards.
“Sorry, your hair was tangled.” She chuckled.
What was my why? It was a good question. It’s not like we could be together. She lived on the other side of the world. She had a whole new life, and our time had been and gone, right? As much as the thought pained me, I had to be realistic.
“When she asked me to meet her at Nina’s Café a few years ago I thought I’d be gaining some clarity. I felt like I’d made progress since we ended things, and meeting up would be the final step in the moving on process. Does thatmake sense?”
I could see Beth’s head nodding in the reflection onthe fridge.
“But I felt ambushed when she told me about her move to Japan. It threw mecompletely.”
“I remember you calling. It was hard to see you like that,” Beth said.
“That’s when she gave me the letter. I thought reading it would give me the clarity I needed.”
“It didn’t?”Beth asked.
“No, the letter became my obsession. It was the last piece of her. It was the only thing I had of her which nobody could take from me, and I’ve held on to it these past couple of years like it’s the most precious thing in the world.” I gulped.
