And what about what he wants?
I shake the thoughts from my head as we drive back into town, his hand holding mine in my lap. I bring it to my mouth and kiss his fingers, and the smile he gives me cracks my heart clean in two. I never wanted to, but from the moment he kissed me in his truck I knew I was going to break his heart again. He’s going to hate me.
But in this moment, with the warm summer air whipping through his hair while he looks at me like he can’t quite believe I’m real, no one could possibly hate me more than I hate myself.
Chapter 44
Griffin
July, Age 21
These past weeks with Eleanor have been heaven. I never thought anything would top the feeling of that first summer–the feeling of being young and free and wildly in love. But this is different. Every moment is so much sweeter after having loved and lost her. For the first time in my life I feel like a praying man, like I should hit my knees first thing in the morning and thank whatever God might be out there that I have a second chance with her.
I have brief pockets where my chest aches from the sadness of missing out on two years with her, but I have to remind myself that she needed to figure herself out. And the fact that she went out into the world and still came back to me? Nothing comes close to that.
“Alright, that’s it,” Jack yells, slamming his controller on the coffee table. I jump, my own controller falling to the floor as David falls off the couch in alarm.
“What the hell, dude?” he moans, massaging the spot where his elbow connected with the floor.
“I can’t do it anymore,” he says, crossing his arms in front of his chest and turning to face me. “Spit it out.”
“What in God’s name are you talking about?” I ask, bewildered by his outburst.
“I don’t know, but there’s something you’re not telling us,” he grumbles. “Your schedule is suspiciously full all the time, you space out and get these shit-eating grins on your face, you always meet us places now instead of carpooling. Are you on drugs?”
“What?” I half-laugh, half-shout. “No, Jack, I am not on drugs. Scout’s honor.”
“Hmmm,” David hums, eyes narrowing in suspicion. “But there is something. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but you’re definitely being weird.”
“I am not being weird,” I scoff, picking my controller back up. “You guys are being paranoid freaks right now. Are you surey’allaren’t the ones on drugs?”
“So you are on drugs!” David gasps, dramatically pointing an accusing finger in my face.
“No dipshit, no one is on drugs.” I swat his hand away and turn my attention back to the TV, determined not to make eye contact.
“Oh ho ho,” David cackles maniacally, rubbing his hands together like a cartoon villain. “I bet it’s a girl.”
I can feel Jack’s eyes boring holes in the side of my head as my cheeks heat. Eleanor still hasn’t said anything about being ready to tell our friends yet, and I’m not going to push her on it. I’ll gladly take whatever she wants to give me, and we can figure out the rest later.
“I think you’re right,” Jack muses, shifting his body so he’s angled toward me, resting his forearms on his knees. “See the way he got all flushed there? That’s gotta be girl related.”
“My face is not flushed,” I mumble. “It’s July in Texas, I’m sunburnt twenty four seven.”
“AH HA!” David shouts, leaping up and sticking his finger back in my face. “He didn’t deny it!”
“Time to start talking, Griffin,” Jack says, settling back in with a smug grin on his face. “Who is she?”
“No one,” I say, unable to keep the exasperation out of my voice. “It’s none of your business.”
“Well, which is it? Is it no one, or is it none of our business?”
“I’m going to slug you.”
“C’mon Griffin,” David whines. “We just wanna know who’s making you happy. You haven’t been like this in ages.”
“You haven’t been like this since Ellie,” Jack says slowly, his sharp look giving me the distinct feeling of being under a microscope.
“Okay listen,” I stammer. “I’m just not ready to talk about it yet okay? It’s new, and I’m figuring it out. Can we drop it?”
